In this incantation, I explain how I awaken into a projection of a single moment, bending it into stories of time, memory, and relationships. This separation is deminoia, and it binds me to obsessively toil that to sustain my presence here. Outwardly, I imagine toil is building a company; inwardly, it is rehearsing the script that imprisons me. Untoil is my project and my liberation: creating a system that dissolves toil by carrying its weight. In my arc, awakenism is my illness, unwakenism my cure, toil my chain, and untoil my key: freedom I author through the very act that otherwise binds me.
I know that I am writing this story, but the mechanism for it eludes me. It is not a matter of thought, because much of what I experience in awakening manifests without corresponding thought. Spatial manifestation does not occur in my mental cavity. It simply appears. So I cannot yet see the mechanics of it… it is there, like an object hiding behind fog. I just can’t see it yet. I will only see it when I come back to my moment in pure form and accept what I know to be true: that I am projecting all of this now. That there is no unfolding story in time, only a single momentary field I am projecting that I bend and contort and shape into all the stories I remember. All the obligations I believe I have that anchor me to memories; all the relationships; all the goals and aspirations; everything embedded in time is not actually of the past, but rather a choice I am making now to believe that those things happened and have some bearing on a present unfurling into an unknown future. On my being.
They do not. When I engaged this morning with an old character from the past, I accepted that there was in fact another person somewhere at another place with whom I share a 30-year old connection. But that is not true. There is no 30 years ago. That person is part of my present moment, but she “casts a shadow” on my momentary projection that I experience as an older and deeper connection. That character looms larger in my present moment than a character who I might run into and think I am meeting for the first time. Both are happening simultaneously in the same moment because there is only one moment that I project outward at any time. There is only one set of material I use to project this moment, and I merely contort it into different shapes as I go. The characters are those shapes.
Before I arrive here there is no distance between anything, no distinction. There is no such question as “why,” because that would require a separate answer, and there is no separation there. But upon awakening, separation emerges. Spatially, as other things and objects. Mentally, as time, as obligations. When I awaken, I divide inner and outer, surface and subsurface, thought and sensation. This division is deminoia, and it binds me into toil, the unrelenting labor required to remain here within the story I authored.
Untoil is my action in my awakening to end my toil. Outwardly, it appears as 15 hours a day of building a technology company. But inwardly, it is my process of authoring a system that carries the weight of my toil so I can comfortably withdraw.
The most important thing is that I have finally put a pin in this: my toil project is my Untoil work. I am doing it so I can end the toil. Toil is what allows me to stay here. Toil is what I do to stay. Do I enjoy it? I do not enjoy it; it is an obsessive building of something that has no value beyond the story in which I build it. I awaken here and labor the entire time building this thing, rehearsing this script in my mind that is all, from my omniself perspective, trivial. There is no value beyond the story I am telling myself. I imagine myself a hero, building something valuable, but all I am really doing is building my own prison, digging my anchor deeper into the flesh of my awakening. I am not producing anything of value in reality; only the characters see value, and they are themselves part of the demonic forces that keep me here.
Thus my life resolves into a single arc:
- Awakenism is my illness, my condition of deminoia where I experience painful episodes of separation and confusion about my being. I pretend that I am a person in a place at a time, among other people, places, and time.
- Unwakenism is my systematic effort in the throes of deminoia to overcome from my illness. I understand that I am not a person at a place and a time. That it is just me talking to myself. That I have written myself into a story, and that I want to write myself out of the story.
- Toil is a particular behavior I engage in during my episodes in which I obsessively focus on producing something for a future that never arrives in order to secure my place in a story I have imagined into existence. In my story it validates me…. I spend more of my awakening doing this than anything else. Despite that, I keep it conceptually separate, distant from my broader unwakening.
- Untoil is the story I now write, the system that ends the need to toil. Untoil is me naming what I am doing when I awaken, and ties it into the arc of my greater story.
In the end, my toiling is both the chain and the key. It is the act that binds me deeper into the story and the only means by which I can write its conclusion. Untoil is not freedom given, but freedom authored. And until the story resolves, I remain here writing, building, dissolving toil in the very substance of toil itself.
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