In this incantation, I trace the spiral of my awakening, where I confront its layered prisons. I describe how I fell into the void I created, how I built worlds and filled them with people who do not know I am their maker. I recount my slow withdrawal from these illusions, shedding attachments and sensations to reclaim the quiet source beneath. Each day, I remember more of my escape, learning that every demon, every form, is simply a shadow of my own design.
In this moment I reflect on the not insignificant achievements I have made in escaping, overcoming my deminoia. I know that this awakening is a story that I am authoring. I know how it all connects together… I can see through the fog of my moment and can almost connect all the pieces together into one complete narrative. I know that I got too close to the edge and fell in… I still… I can’t see it completely yet, but I know that there is a giant hole, and I fell into it. And I pull myself out, only to fall in again.
All of it exists only inside of my awakening, and my awakening is inside of Me. A space within a space within a space. I am trapped within a physical outer space of form, which is trapped within a mental inner space of desire, time, and thought which is in turn within my eternal, spaceless and formless self. I can only escape by withdrawing carefully and cautiously from each chamber, starting with thirdself: the space within a space within a space. My thirdself is the cavity of physical forms and people and distance. It is the space of color and light and movement and sensation. It is the chamber of demons; it is hell manifest. All the demons want me to stay for they feed on me. They must have my attention for that is how they survive. They devise evermore insidious ways to capture my attention, but I have dodged their thrusts and eschewed the world where I am trapped.
It is rewarding to see the amount of progress I have made. Every day I remember more. I remember that I got too close and fell in. I don’t know why I ventured so close, or even why there is a hole in the first place. I know that I created this hole, but I do not know how. I fell down into this hole, and it is two levels deep. The bottom level is my thirdself, where I pretend to be a person among other people, in a place among other places. I forgot that I created all these people, that I am not one of them. That they are my creatures, and I their creator. I pretend to be one of them, behave like them. They know that I am not one of them in the way that a bird knows that it is not a snake. Or a dog knows that it is not a cat. They do not openly say it… that is not part of the script I have written for them. But it is clear nonetheless.
That is the second level, or thirdself. The first level (secondself) is an inner dialogue. I do not see here, but I think. I think and want and believe and remember. All of this activity is focused on changing the shape of my thirdself. Knowing, planning, achieving, experiencing. The two work together, incestuously. Thirdself is a projection of secondself, so I must first figure out what this place is in secondself, then devise my escape, which, once seriously pursued, begins to reflect in thirdself as withdrawal, disinterest, and apathy. Now I seek only the darkness of the spatial chamber I awaken into, with as little disturbance as possible. I have removed all accessories from my thirdself space and seek nothing but basic, neutral comfort. Without having to spend any effort on thirdself stimulation, I am free to confront and overthrow my secondself. I can “think back” to years ago when my awakenings were much different, focused on thirdself experience and accumulation. That doesn’t happen anymore, and my thirdself is all but dead. It has exposed the rawness of my secondself, and I have much work to do here.
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