Space is both the most elementary but also most challenging part of the illusion of my awakening. Elementary because I know I am experiencing it every moment, but challenging because this familiarity has given rise to a deep misunderstanding of its nature. But understanding space is critical to being able to visualize triself.
Let’s define the sensation of “space” first. What do I mean by “space”? In awakening, I can sense space in two states: with my eyes open, and with my eyes closed. Eyes-open, I perceive space in two ways:
- The sensation of being “contained”. If I consider myself as being within my body, I sense space as that which is containing my body.
- The visual sensation of that container extending in three dimensions all around me.
When I close my eyes, my sense of space changes but some part of it remains constant. I still sense that I am “contained”, but without a visual environment extending in three dimensions all around me. The constant in these two states (eyes opened, and eyes closed) is of being “contained”; the variable is the “visual” sensation of space extending when my eyes are open. Eyes-closed, I still sense “space”, but it is dark and formless. Eyes-open, I sense space but also an environment of forms and light I call the world.
In triself, I divide my existence into three layers: my firstself, secondself, and thirdself. A proper definition of firstself has been elusive. I have tried “soul”, “true self”, “source”, and various other concepts, including “God”. And while each captures some part of what I call my firstself, at some point, they become too abstract to visualize and act upon. For example, if I say my firstself is my “soul”, where is it? Is it “within me”? And so what is all this stuff I call my thirdself? Is that “outside of me”?
I know that my firstself is actually everything, including both my second and thirdselves. But how do I visualize that in a way that is consistent with my actual experience in this moment? The key to triself is tying these layers to something tangible that I directly experience. Abstraction is not allowed; I must be able to completely and directly experience these layers, and explain them in a way that their mechanics are clear to me. I can achieve that with the following definitions:
- My thirdself is the space around me full of light and forms when my eyes are open extending from my body outward.
- My secondself is the thoughts, feelings, sensations, and desires I imagine are enclosed within my body.
- My firstself is everything, which I can best experience when my eyes are closed.
What remains between my eyes-open and eyes-closed states? Two things remain: my sense of being “contained”, and my voice within, or my secondself. Comparing these two states and understanding what is happening is the way to understand what I am, and what my awakening really is. My thirdself is the space of forms, distance, and separateness I experience when I open my eyes. The key to understanding my firstself is the formlessness of that same space that I experience when I close my eyes.
I can explain the secondary in terms of the primary; but I cannot explain the primary in terms of the secondary. So I am searching for the most primitive part of my being because it is the part that is always there. It is my anchor to my true being. The part that disappears or changes between these two states is the least fundamental, so I can ignore that. And the primary components of my experience is my sense of being contained. I am always held in place. I am always here, now. I am always. The constant, and most fundamental, is that I am always here now. Whether my eyes are open or closed, I am always here now. The light and forms of my environment are not always here, only when I open my eyes. And though it is persistent and more difficult to close off than the formless space of my thirdself, my secondself voice within is also not always here. It too varies and changes.
When I close my eyes, my thirdself is gone. And there is another internal mechanism, analogous to my eyes, that I can close to turn off my secondself. I have these two sets of “eyes” I can open and close at will and which create these two chambers I experience as my thirdself, and my secondself. The eyes of my thirdself are my eyes; the eyes of my secondself is my awakening. When I “awaken” my secondself chamber fills with voices, ideas, feelings, thoughts, and desires. And when I then open my eyes to my thirdself that chamber fills with light, forms, movement, separateness, change, and space.
My firstself is space, which I can experience most purely by closing my eyes, letting go of my thirdself, and quieting my secondself. Space itself is my firstself and the stuff of which my secondself and firstself are made. Demiself is the mistaken belief that I am a being within a larger world, when really the larger world is simply a space within a space within me.
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