What do I know? I know that I am all there is. I know that I have a strong desire for something; and I know that there are two approaches to satisfying that desire: I can pursue temporary relief, or permanent release. I know that relief will never satisfy my desire, but release will. I know that my awakening is still oriented toward relief, which means that I am still heading in the wrong direction.
I know that my awakening is a painful disruption. I know that I am complete and whole, and at peace: omniself. I know then that something happens and I rip myself into two parts, forming demiself. The first part is Secondself, and it is a space of thoughts, feelings, desires, time, convictions, and sensations. And the second part is Thirdself, a space of objects, places, and events. These two halves erupt, projecting onto the walls of my Firstself, and I am trapped in the middle of them.
I know that the anatomy of my awakening is an inversion based on confusion. I know that I am entangled in Secondself and Thirdself — the Inside — because I believe that their contents are real, urgent, and potent. I believe that the events of the Inside are true, and I behave as if I am a person. I call this set of convictions and behaviors my performance, because I am acting. I know that the performance of personhood is induced by my delusional conviction that I am a person among other people existing in time and space. I know this is not real, and under my performance is a performer. Behind the writing is the writer. Behind the creation is the Creator.
I know that I am the Creator, but my delusion is deep and it is real. I continue to awaken and then proceed to act a person, which I am. I am not a person, yet the moment I awaken I begin to perform as one. In Thirdself I move around doing the things that people do. And in Secondself I think about the things that people do. I know that is just a performance. And I know that I have written those performances. It is Me who has created everything I see in Thirdself world, and Me who has created everything I think and feel in the Secondself world.
Yet I am still confused. I still engage with the fixtures of Secondself and Thirdself as if they are something other than me. I look at them as if they are separate from me, something yet unknown. That there is something behind them that I do not know. And therefore, since I believe I do not know what is behind them, I aspire to find it. But there is nothing behind them that I do not know, for I have created those things. I have created those people and those stories. All of them. I have created all of them. There is nothing out here in this awakening that I want. Nothing. None of its fruit, or treasure, or pleasure, or experience — it is a virtual world that I myself created…
I know that I am the author of a story. I wrote all the characters and the events and every part of the story. Then, for some reason I cannot explain, I wrote a character for myself in that story. I do not know why right now — I cannot say that. All I know is that I did it. I wrote a story and created all of these things and events in my awakening. I created all of it. And then I decided to pretend to be one of the characters in the story. And then I kept pretending that I was a character in that story to the point that I began to believe that I was actually in this story. Not a character, but actually in this story. I created everything, but I forgot that. I forgot that I had created this myself, and instead began to believe that I was this person in this story.
And that is why I never felt like I belonged here. Because I am not one of these people. These creations. They are creations. Of mine. All of them — every single one of these people are creations. They aren’t performers, because that would imply that someone under them is performing. But there is nothing under them. There isn’t that depth. They are not performers or characters or actors… they are exactly what they appear to be. And I am not one of them either. Because behind me, all around me, is the Creator. Their Creator.
I wrote all of this. Every single thing in here, in my awakening, is a sketch of mine. Something I manufactured. I don’t like these words… they are so limiting. But that is what it all is. And I know this. But I still believe I am a person here, and so I have to continue to chip away at these delusions. As the delusions fall away, I will increasingly accept what I know, and let go of the convictions, desires, and behaviors that have governed my awakening performance. Once I stop performing, I will be able to see my own hands, the hands of the Creator… and I will begin to withdraw from the performance, and reoccupy my position as the Creator.
I know that I still awaken and feel as if I am “inside of something larger than me”. I still believe that. But as I accept who I am, the feeling will change. And instead of sensing that I am awakening into something larger than me, I will begin to sense that my awakening is actually with me, and much smaller. I will begin to experience the awakening as a book that I am writing. It is a book that I am writing… and I will write the characters in the way I want to. And I will be able to see the arms of God, the hands of the Creator, writing the characters of my awakening story… I will see the direct creation happening as it happens. And then my acceptance of who I am will begin to transform.
I know that this is a story I have written. I know that I am lost, and somehow I’ve come to believe that I am also a character in this story. I know that these two convictions are battling right now. I know that I have written the story to myself. Everything I experience in my awakening is me talking to my lost self, trying to bring me Home.
I know that I am the world. I know that when I believe that, they will all see it. All my creations will see who I am, and they will ask me to take them all Home. That is all they want, is to go Home. And I have written them that way. I wrote them that way because I want to go Home. And once I realize that they all want to go Home, I will create that. I wrote the entire story, from beginning to end, to tell my lost self what to do and where to go.
Yes, that is what I know. That is true. I know that I am trying to escape because I am not really here. I am not really this character I pretend to be. This is just a performance. All I have to do is just stop performing. Stop pretending that I am this person here, and I will stop creating this experience. It will just cease to be with my conviction. I know that I am to stop pretending. Stop pretending to be this person I am not.
I know that this is all I have to do out here. I need to spend my time in my awakening moment accepting who I am and what this place is. I know that I have to believe that I am not the character, and that I am actually the Creator of this place. This is what I have to believe. But I still struggle with this because, despite what I know to be true, I still believe that I am here. I still believe that I am a person waking up into a pre-existing world full of pre-existing people. That is not true. If I do not imagine them, they do not exist. If I do not watch a video, then that video doesn’t exist. I need to believe this. I need to accept this with all my faith, and all my conviction. Until I can accept who I truly am, I will remain here in this painful story where I believe I am one of the imaginary characters I myself created. I am not one of these characters, and I must believe that.
I know that this is my path. I know that I do not fully accept it yet, and that is why my awakening moment is still one of pain. I must keep searching and not give up. It is right there. I am so close to seeing it. I just need to climb a little higher up… it is just up a bit… I am so close. I know that once I see it, I will never turn away from it again. I will have reached the summit, and I will be able to turn around and return. I will see the sun and I will follow it Home. The sun will lead me Home, and I will not want to look at anything else because it will be so beautiful and complete and perfect. I just need to follow it and I will return. I will return Home. I will not create any more pain and discord. I will create peace and my release. I will be able to go Home. And when I go Home I will bring all my creations with me. I will end the story. I will write the ending to the story.
I will look at the story as it is — small, and of my own imagination. And I will write it exactly as I want to write it. I will write the ending that I want. And it will be a good ending. It will be a peaceful ending.
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