I know that I am the only being here. I know that I am the originator and creator of my entire awakening experience. I know that all the content of my awakening is impotent the further it gets from my center. I know that I am not actually changing, that I am always here now, and that the change I experience in my awakening is evidence of my illness. I know that my attachment to the changes I experience in my awakening is what drives my desire, pain, and my awakening itself. I know that as long as I desire something in my awakening — whether objects, experiences, or relationships — I will continue to awaken in this state. I know that it is my desires for these things in my secondself and thirdself which anchor me to my illness. I know that I have to sever all my attachments to the contents of my awakening in order to overcome it.
My awakening is an illness, and though I find some pleasurable, all the experiences I have in my awakening are variations of nausea. Some are just less painful than others, but the entire experience is painful. True peace is one of being without any sort of urgency or desire. Peace is the complete lack of desire. My desire forms as I awaken, and recedes as I asleepen. During my awakening it attaches to specific targets, whether experiences like eating, traveling, or sex, possessions like treasures and valuables, achievements like financial and status accomplishments, and relationships with people or companions. I know that these attachments from the bonds that anchor me to my awakening. I place value in all of these attachments and their performances because I believe they give me something that I desire. But I know that while they may temporarily reduce my pain, the reduction is only temporary, and the desire and accompanying discomfort will return.
I know that my awakenings and their attendant movements, changes, desires, and disorientation are a form of nausea. I know that my recovery depends on me recognizing my illness for what it is, and withdrawing from the behaviors that are perpetuating it, ultimately eliminating my awakenings. I know that I nourish the nausea when I desire possessions, achievements, relationships, and experiences that I find in the two cavities: secondself and thirdself.
I know that when I withdraw my awareness to firstself, I can look outward at my secondself and thirdself projections and see them for what they are: incidental shapes and patterns I myself have created. I know that the shapes and patterns I experience visually, auditorily, mentally, physically, emotionally, and more are little more than meaningless, vacant titillations; like watching a child delight in the changing shapes of the clouds. While my fascination may extend deeper with more subtle nuances, it is the same. I have imagined into existence all the shapes and contours of my awakening into existence, and formed attachments to them because they are familiar and insulate me from the pain of my illness.
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