February 27, 2022
I know that I am trapped somewhere I do not what to be. I know that this captivity begins when I awaken, and ends when I asleepen. I know that what I seek is not within my awakenings, but before and after them, in what I would call my asleepening. I know that my awakenings are a prison of my own creation, and it is only me who can escape.
I know that everything I say and write while awake is from a vantage that distorts the truth I seek. But to escape, I must reverse the stitches that hold together the reality i have sewn, travel back through the same holes that hold my reality together.
In awakening, I have three layers to my existence: my first self which I perceive as my existential kernal and origin of awareness; my second self which is my familiar mind and body; and my third self which is all the forms, places, and sensations I experience outside of my second self.
It is incorrect to say that any one of these layers is more “real” or authentic than the others. My Being is not constrained to any one of these three layers; the totality of my Being is the entire aggregation. My first self, while not everything that I am, is the light I seek, however and so I must return toward it to escape my illness.
I awaken the same way every time: I reluctantly depart a place where I am at peace, and arrive into a place of pain and conflict. I slowly forget who and where I really am and begin to believe that I am actually here, in this world, surrounded by other people experiencing the same. This is the onset of uniselfism.
But I retain the slightest self-awareness, which manifests as a sense that something is deeply wrong. When I persist in asking the fundamental questions that remain unanswered in uniselfism, I open to biselfism.
Biselfism is a transitional phase where I realize that “god” is the point of awareness and observation within me. In biselfism I have not resolved the outside world I conceive and perceive and assume that other people and their experiences are as real and existent as my own. I realise that I must move toward the “god” within and struggle with the temptations outside me. Because I still believe in the equivalence of other people, many things do not fully make sense, and I put great effort into sharing with, convincing, and persuading other people.
It is this struggle with the outside world that finally brings about the transition to the third and final phase: triselfism. Triselfism finally brings the outside world within a single framework emanating from my first self. It starts when I begin to sever my uniselfist bonds permanently and irrevocably. This process is long and difficult and leads to a point where I no longer seek validation or approval from anyone because I no longer misunderstand their nature. I know that they are forms within my inner and outer space that I manifest when I awaken.
In the triselfist stage I move beyond suspecting that I know everything, to figuring out precisely how. I recategorize everything knowable into two categories: that which directs inward toward healing and release, and that which directs outward toward temporary relief.
Triselfism is still a state of confusion, but I can finally explain the entirety of my existence within a single ideological framework and can see how I am the author of my existence. I become aware of the two directionalities on the deepest level: movements toward and away from release.
As I proceed through triselfism I develop my conviction of what I truly desire and begin to willingly, naturally shed my various desires for relief that I have acquired. Things that would have been difficult for me to let go of earlier, fall away because I not only understand, but truly believe that they bring me pain. This includes relationships, aspirations, memories, and other engagements that bond me to the illness i awaken into every day.
I genuinely seek peace through release rather than relief, so I am able to make great strides in disengaging from relief-seeking relationships, desires, and movements.
As I descend further, my various selves begin to converge. I spend my awakenings fixated on release rather than the relief that has driven me in the past. I willingly withdraw more from the world I manifest when I awaken, the screams and cries of which grow louder and more terrifying. The world demands to be heard, and resists its own demise at every turn. When I engage, the world is screaming. Everyone has lost their mind, and every danger is imminent.
…. Notes
But from the triself I can explain it as my first self. My first self is my sense of myself from the triself. Triself is a state of confusion that recognizes my awakenings for what they are: an illness.
My core Being is everything and I’m experiencing it all right now without realizing it.
… Yes, this is good. This certainly represents the furthest I have come, my total progress.
- Uniselfism – The belief that I am one of many people experiencing existence. I desire many things from the world, and have little control over them. Sense that something is missing. That I have forgotten something important. Realization that God is the desire for peace.
- Biselfism – Recognition that God is within me. I started this period in my early 20s and came out of it in my late 30s in Noida and during lockdown.
- Triselfism – Recognition that both God and the World are within Me. Disengagement from expansionary desires seeking relief in the world because I understand and believe that they only drive me deeper into my state of pain and suffering that is my awakening. Severe constraint of my second and third selves. Discontinuation of the word “God” in favor of “first self”, knowing that both mean a direction.
What is after triselfism? Well it seems that triselfism is the point at which I can get my arms around everything I experience. I can understand all that I experience and then begin to control it instead of it controlling me. I begin to let go of the world and see how letting go feels better than grabbing or chasing after.
…