July 21, 2021
Note: I didn’t really complete this WIK, and will continue it at the top of my journal as the evolving summary of descentism.
The narrative I learned out here is very different from the narrative that my direct experience reveals. When I listen to my direct experience, I arrive at very different conclusions.
What is my existence?
My existence is an oscillation between two states. It begins in my timeless, dimensionless source state. I experience this state continuously, but familiarity and misunderstanding obstruct my awareness of it. My source state is not esoteric, mysterious, mystical, magical, or spiritual. It is the most mundane, ordinary, unremarkable, and overlooked aspect of my existence.
From my source state, I awaken into my familiar state for a period of time before returning back to my source state via sleep. The complete sequence of these awakenings is my life. There is nothing outside of these two states.
What is my familiar state?
My familiar state manifests as an inner environment of changing thoughts, desires, and feelings, and an outer environment of changing objects, sensations, and time. These two environments intersect and project from a central point in my head behind my eyes.
I have largely ignored this central point, assuming it was an artifact of my inner environment within my familiar state. But through probing I discover that this point is not a point at all. It is actually my omni-present source state.
I can visualize this by closing my eyes and shutting out my inner and outer environments. I ‘sense’ a fixed, unending ‘dark space’ extending in all directions without boundaries or constraints. It is always there, regardless of my movement or activity in my familiar state. This space is my source state, and it encloses my familiar state, rather than the other way around.
By reversing my experiential topology I can explain all aspects of my existence. I realize that I am not a person within a world, but a world within my source state.
The anatomy of my familiar state
My self is my body containing a central point behind my eyes. This point is significant because it is where I sense my inner conceptual and outer perceptual environments intersect, giving rise to my existence.
This point is fixed, and does not move. From this fixed point these two environments project outward.
No matter where I move in the projected environments, the central point remains fixed and motionless.
The outer environment is very easy to visualize and describe, because it is literally a visualized projection of forms. I can move endlessly through it. I believe I would go in circles if I kept moving long enough.
Movement in the inner environment manifests as movement in the outer environment. The forms of the inner environment
Why have I forgotten my source state?
Awakenings are the separation from my source state and the origin of all pain and desire. My first awakening from my source state into what is now my familiar state was traumatic. Though routine has diminished the pain, awakening is still an uncomfortable experience.
To awaken I suppress my original desire, but I inevitably succumb to my original gravity when I fall asleep. During my awakenings, I experience countless micro-returns to my source state when I close my eyes, though I do not characterize them as such.
To a point, I was aware that I was moving in and out of these two states. I expressed my original desire to return to my source state, but it was suppressed and my awakenings persisted. Over repeated awakenings I habituated to suppressing my source state until I forgot it altogether, characterizing it simply as ‘sleep’.
What is my source state?
At 41 years deep into my awakening, I experience my source state in many different ways while in my familiar state: naturally through sleep, in forced meditation, but also in simply closing my eyes. I characterize it as peace, God, centering, calm, and many other ways. The variety of characterizations keeps me in a state of confusion.
My source state is my natural state and it exerts a constant force upon me the moment I begin to separate into my familiar state through the process of awakening. This force manifests as resistance to awakening, but once suppressed it splinters into all my middle desires: the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual desires I experience throughout my awakening.
After some perceived time, the inexhaustible force of my source state overcomes my suppression efforts and draws me back. I experience this as tiredness and the reconsolidation of my middle desires, eventually closing my eyes and returning to my source state. I experience discontinuity between my familiar and source states and will have forgotten my return upon my next awakening.
I can lessen and eventually eliminate this discontinuity by disengaging from my familiar self. It must start after my awakening when I have suppressed my original desire for return and my middle desires begin to form. I must weaken and dismantle my middle desires, concentrating on my original desire to return throughout my awakening.
The more I progress the distinction between my familiar and source states will diminish and I will experience a continuous awareness as I move between my two states.
The formation of my self
Every awakening introduces division and movement into my inner and outer environments. My outer environment divides into more people, objects, places, and actions. And my inner environment divides and enlarged into more thoughts, feelings, behaviors, aspirations, and time.
With their growth, my familiar state divided into two parts: my self, and everything else.
The larger my inner and outer environments grew, the smaller my self became in relation.
There is a clear desire for peace while I am trapped in this oscillating state. Peace is the state of not awakening, and simply being in my primary state. My desire when I awaken to remain at sleep which I suppress, and my irrepressible desire to sleep at the end of my day are the
The return
I can choose to know everything. Or I can choose to know nothing. The choice is a state. Dwelling on that which is not or that which I cannot know creates most of the confusion and pain.
My awakenings are divided into three separate stages:
- My awakening. The first phase of waking up. I am disoriented and I should mourn. But I must prepare myself for the battle ahead as well.
- My battle.
- My asleepening.