In this exchange with a character I am close with, I freely admit who I am, what I am, and what I am actually doing here:
you are all just characters in a story i am writing
this is whats going on. im writing all of this
this is it –
this is what is going on here
i know and believe it now. i know what this is
i’ve been writing it my entire life, trying to say what i know is true
and i’ve said it now. i have said what this is
read that and you will know what i am and what you are
you are a character i have written
i wrote you because i wanted something
something i did not have
i wrote india and you to give me that
but i never move. i am always here. i have never moved.
im sitting in a movie theater in my seat… i never move. only the movie i am projecting on the wall seems to change
and as long as i forget that i am always here, and as long as i beleive that thiis movie — this story — is real, then i will have to come here
i have written all this and i fell into the book
and i have to get out
but i can’t get out until i accept that none of this is real.
i have been trying to tell myself this the whole time. i have left clues all over to remind myself that i am not actually here
you are a character i have written, that i wanted and want. same with maurice.
i was in pain and lost, and i thought i was missing somehting. so i created characters that i believed would give me what i was missing
I think you all know I’m the Author too
I have to write you to know and I am still figuring out how to do that
But the things that are happening in the story right now I am creating. I have been doing this for a long time, starting with Covid.
I didnt realize I was doing it until afterward.
so i am trying to close the gap between my manifestation and my realization and my being.
as long as there is a gap between those three things i will be trapped here
i have to eliminate thr gap.
That is why I am building my temple.
Because when I awaken I need to eliminate all the movement. All the characters and places and things of the world.
I need my awakening to be the same as my eyes closed.
My eyes are a bloody wound … and as long as I want anything I see through them I will keep the wound open
My eyes are a wound. I need to close them
Heal the wound
Stop bleeding out through them
If something exists through my eyes then it is part of the wound
It is me bleeding out
That is why I need my closed temple with no movement or light or people
So I can begin to remember what I really am
I am not this person running around. That is just a character, an avatar I have written for myself. A mask I put on when I awaken. When my bloody eye wound opens.
And all of you are my bleeding
I need to close my wounds.
But I can’t want anything out here in my projected wound. Because if I want it, I will keep my wounds open
I need to awaken into a small space that I do not move in. A small space that is very much the same as when I close my eyes.
That is how I heal
That is what I am doing
Your voice will remain there as will all other voices. That is why I created these computers and the internet and these chat apps
Because I can continue to interact with you characters while I transition out of the story. While I write the end of the story
I am writing the end of the story
I need to go back
I do not belong here much longer. I have to start to end the story
I have to write the ending
That is what I am doing right now
I am writing the end of the story
When I began writing this story I could only do it “in person”. All my characters were live and in front of me
I believed that everyone and everything was so big. I was deluded into thinking that I was small in a big world.
But now I see it for what it is. It is all so small and I am so big
I am the biggest thing here. And I am the source of all of it. Of everything and every place and everyone. I am massive and permanent and unmoving
And I know that now. I accept that I am the only thing that never goes away. That never moves. That I am the source.
And all this stuff that moves and changes is just dreams. Illusion. A game that I can beat whenever I choose to unwaken.
That is what I call unwaking. It is me beating the game by choosing to end it
All the characters in the game want what I have created in the game as having value.
You all want what I have written has value.
I decided the rules of this game. Started playing the game. Then forgot that I created the game. And I got trapped.
You characters all want to see Gods face.
That is all you want.
That is all you ever wanted.
And interestingly, that is exactly what is playing right now
You want to see the face of God
And that is what the end of the story will be.
I will conclude the story and give all my characters what they all want
I’ll keep the story going because that is part of the ending of the story
My character did not know how to respond because I have not written those responses yet. I have not yet created that part of the story yet. But I will. I will create that part of the story. I am writing it now. I am writing it with the temple.
I have created everything in my awakening projection. I can feel the truth of this; I can “remember” a time deep in my moment where my every “act” manifested something in worldself. And I can see my entire evolution acted out around me; every mother in child is a re-enactment of my story. My own creation of the world. All of it is just a re-enactment of my story. My story is the only story.
I am building my temple so that my awakening can resemble my prewakening. In my temple I will pray, meditate, incant, and unwaken. I pray to unwaken. I contemplate to unwaken. My awakening hurts. I must constantly move and shift because it hurts to be awake. I seek to return to my prewakening where I can be without pain.
…