I frequently consume content related to the conflict between the progressive left and its gender ideology and the conservative right. Although, I have understand that it is only a story I tell myself, I do still consume it in quantities beyond most other topics, and therefore I understand it has some draw on me. In this post I am trying to understand the appeal of the topic, and why I continue to nourish it even when I have let go of most other political topics.
In uniself, I have followed the “culture wars” in America, the state I expatriated from. I have come out squarely on the side of conservative over progressive values. While I am aware it is all imaginary, I have firmly chosen the preservation of the familiar over the radical changes demanded by a small minority. A small group who seek permission from society to transition into something other than society has decided they are.
This group seeks the following:
- Identification. These characters seek a new identity that better reflects who they are.
- Transition. These characters choose to permanently “transition” from their original identity to their new identity, challenging the structures around them.
- Affirmation. These characters seek validation and confirmation of their new identity from those around them.
And while this narrative only exists in the middle space of my secondself, I do continue to follow. In watching this story unfold, I have been broadly sympathetic to those who want to change, but also resistant to the often unreasonable demands they have made upon society. In reflecting on my own transformations, I can see why I have taken this stand.
In an effort to be more authentic, many times in my life I have declared I was something other than what I had earlier thought I was. It must have been challenging for those around me, but rather than engage and fight for acceptance, I always chose to leave. I disengaged from the space where I could not be authentic, and created a new space where I could be. I let go of those characters who could not tolerate my transformation. I do not remember the occasions of pain, but I do remember those of great relief.
If I compare my own transformations to the conflict between the progressive left and its gender ideology, and the conservative right, I can see why I have come out on this topic the way I have. In transforming, the left has shifted from a defensive to an offensive position: rather than creating their own space, they are trying to change the spaces where they are not wanted. The conflict I see is the natural result of that.
I am once again undergoing my final transition: from uniself to triself. And I can see the parallel between the imagined culture wars and my own transformation. The part of me that roots for the conservative right is the same part that wants to keep me in uniself; wants to keep me believing that I am one person among many inhabiting this planet. And up until this very moment now, that was the dominant part that was activated when consuming content online. But in reflecting, I sense a change is forthcoming.
That change will come when I withdraw from the minutia of the conflict; for at that level the resistance to change is enormous. The conservative repudiation of transition is strong, logical, and convincing. The argument against change brings to forefront everything I have known and believe, and all of which contradicts what I truly know and seek. I seek grand transformation that extends beyond the bounds and norms I have heretofore known and accepted.
- I am transitioning. I am transitioning from uniself to triself. The story I am consuming online is a projection of my own transition.
- But I do not need to change the characters I know. I do not need to inform the characters in my life, seek, or receive their affirmation. I do not need my family, friends, or colleagues to understand or believe; I created them for purposes they have already served.
- I must only know myself. My transformation begins and ends with my own conviction. I do not need validation or affirmation from the wallpaper of my thirdself.
I am engaged into this thirdself narrative of transformation because it reflects my own transition from uniself to triself. Up to this point, I have chosen a side in this imagined battle, which has prevented me from understanding why I am even manifesting this story in the first place. I will step back, discontinue cheering on one side and jeering the other, and reframe it from triself: but unlike the bloody conflict between these two cultures, I need not engage. I need not seek affirmation from others. I need not manifest them in my space. To heal, I need little from my thirdself, least of all the permission or approval of my thirdself wallpaper.
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