Understanding my uniself aspiration for greatness

A key component of my identity throughout my life has been the notion that I was somehow different, and even “greater than” other people. On many occasions, I remember thinking that other peoples’ beliefs and ideas were inferior to my own. I expressed this conviction as a strong inward and outward confidence.

What I did not know then was that this sense of being somehow different was under constant attack. I learned and came to believe that I was only one among billions of people inhabiting a vast world I knew very little about. At every turn I was bombarded by stories of great people doing impossible things I could only dream of. I was constantly reminded that I had very few of the qualities, achievements, and possessions that would mark me as “great”. Little by little I came to believe the social message that I was only one person among all others. So while I managed to retain the sense of being singularly unique, I also harbored the essential belief that I was equal to other people. Clearly these were in conflict with one another, and I had to resolve it one way or another.

Over a lifetime of education and indoctrination, I accepted that this “greatness” I felt about myself would be outwardly reflected in the accumulation of the things that are valued in the world, my thirdself. I believed there were other people, I was one of them, and they all valued these things, so I in turn valued them. These things were fame, fortune, and status. And for many years I pursued these goals because I believed they would validate the feeling I had always harbored, that I had some unique greatness.

At my highest points, I believed I could do it all on my own; that I did not need anyone else. But at my lowest point, exhausted from trying, I remember longing to be “discovered”. I remember imagining that if was only recognized by someone who had everything I wanted, I would be able to achieve what I had always sought through that recognition. But it was not to be. I was never discovered. And I never achieved the things I believed were central to greatness.

It took me a long time to pin down what differentiated me from everyone else. And I decided at some point that what made me different was what I wanted. Not the object of my desire, but the strength of it. I wanted something so badly and I would never settle for anything less. Nothing turned out to be what I wanted, so I never settled. I never settled into a relationship; I never settled into a job. I never settled, and was always moving.

I was in a constant battle with my sense of greatness; would I, or would I not do something great? Would I, or would I not acquire the things that greatness brought? I wanted it so badly, and have chased it to the ends of the earth. But it was not until I rediscovered triself that I understood what that sense of greatness was. I could not define greatness in terms of thirdself values: fame, achievement, or fortune. Those things only have value if I believe they have value. Without my conviction, they have no value. However, in triself, I know that the only true value is peace. Release. Being who I am. Recovery.

In triself I am unique among people, for I am not a person. I am great in the sense that I am the creator of people. It is I who awakens and manifests all the variety of people and the space in which they inhabit. It is a greatness that cannot be measured by fame, fortune, and achievement. It cannot be measured by the accumulation of objects valued by the creatures I manifest when I awaken. The greatness is that I am the author, and they are all my characters. The specialness is that I am the creator of this entire story I awaken into. I had written myself as a minor, obscure character and forgotten who I was; the “specialness” I felt was always my lingering memory of who I truly am. I am the greatest of all because I am the origination of the entire experience I call my awakening.