Trielfism and solipsism, notes

My moment is a flexible temporary organ, like an inflatable sac. I can endlessly spawn all the elements of my moment. Questions, inquiry, exploration, and movement continue the spawning. Only my moment exists. Time projects outward from me. I project time outward from me upon the extensible walls of the inflatable sac. 

Certainty is a decision that I make. There is no truth external to my own decision-making capacity. There are no external authorities who know things that I do not. I am the only sovereign of my awakening, and if authorities exist apart from me it is because I have created them and given them that power. My awakening, my experience, reality, and existence are all one and the same. There is no experience beyond my own; reality is the shape of my experience in my moment. Truth is whatever I decide it is. 

There are levels of manifestation, starting with my foundational manifestation at the point of my awakening during which I create the primary shape of my awakening; the major elements of Thirdself and Secondself. Upon entering fully into my awakening, I begin the second wave of manifestation: secondary creativity within an existing environment I have already manifested. 

I do not need to answer questions. Questions invite more manifestation, and if I am not aware of what I am doing then I can get lost. Questions form a sort of circular motion that leaves me dazed, disoriented, and trapped. I am lost because I believe I am lost. I am trapped because I believe I am trapped. I fear that which I want most: to not be here. Death. It is release from this experience that I seek, yet it is what I have come to fear more than all else.

People exist as features within my moment. They are endlessly generative; I can always manifest more of them, and discover new surface within them. But they are more like holes within the smooth surface of my Thirdself. I am clearly not one of them. 

I can demanifest all these elements, but they cannot demanifest me. 

My awakening can be divided neatly into three chambers. The innermost chamber is Thirdself, and is the smallest of all. It contains everything I might call the outside world, including a visual and physical representation of the next chamber which surrounds it: Secondself. Secondself comprises a set of elements I call thoughts, feelings, desires, and sensations where it connects to the Thirdself chamber. These two chambers interact but also remain distinct from one another. They are in constant interaction. The largest chamber is Firstself, which is unmoving and non dynamic. It always is present, unchanging, and is my being. My very presence. Secondself and Thirdself chambers both exist within Firstself, much the way a sub-dermal cyst would. 

The primary feature of my awakening experience is desire. I have a constant desire which fuels my movement; a continuous generative effort in search of permanent comfort. I desire to not desire anymore. I desire permanent release from my desire. I desire to not awaken. But instead I am trapped in an everlasting effort to gain relief. Relief is a configuration of my moment into a shape that grants me temporary peace before giving away once again to conflict, discomfort, and new desires. 

My entire moment is one single, unified form. All of the Secondself and Thirdself features of my moment are one joint formation. The entire experience of awakening is one formation. The particular shape of my moment is all that there is. There is nothing beyond the shape of my moment. Every feature and quality of my moment is spontaneously manifested by me. I am the author of every word, the producer of every performance, the creator of every being. 

I am the only being of my type and nature within my awakening, for I am its creator. People are merely animated structures that line the surface of my Thirdself. People are holes into which I can fall; like cracks. My goal in my awakening is to find my way back out. To escape the Thirdself then Secondself chambers, and restore Firstself. There is nothing I want in my awakening. Yet I awaken every day and I create and build. I work toward a moment in which I have more than I have now. Because I think that is what I seek. But it is not. It is not what I seek. I seek to escape, to not awaken here. To not manifest Secondself and Thirdself. 

Knowing implies unknowing. There is neither. I am. And I manifest all that is. I move in my awakening because I still believe I am here and I still desire from my awakening. I must not desire from my awakening for it offers me nothing I truly want.