In this incantation, I find myself suspended between knowing and becoming, aware of what I am yet distanced from fully grasping it. The noise of my awakening reverberates through my mind and body, blurring the essence of my coreself in a chaotic storm of sensations and thoughts, much like the aftershock of a cosmic rupture. I glimpse the vast space where I belong, a dimensionless expanse that calls to me when I close my eyes, yet it remains elusive until I learn to see with a different eye. To reach this place, I must cease all movement, desire, and searching, for only in stillness will I reclaim the power to close my eyes and end the cycle of creation.
I know what I am, but I still struggle to retain and articulate the essence of it in my moment. I can close my eyes and see what, where, and how I am. But I cannot quite comprehend what it is. In fact, I’m quite far away from that point… I can see it in the distance, but I know that I am a long way from understanding what I am seeing. The noise of my awakening drowns out so much of what I am. My mind chatters and my body tingles with sensations… I know that these are the lingering effects of the traumatic explosion that takes place every time I open my eyes. My mind and body are the same thing I feel if I were to be punched in the face; the residual pain of a physical impact. Only my mind and body are the shape of my imploded, ruptured awakening.
At least I know which direction to look in. I know what I am looking for. It is right here, when I close my eyes. That is what I am. That is where I want to be. What will I do there? I will figure that out when I get there, but that is where I am going to end up. It is a large space… the largest of all. It has no dimensions, no beginning or ending. I need to know how to see it before I can see it. I need to look with a different eye than the set I’ve grown accustomed to using. That is my true self there, and nothing out here in my awakening is what I truly am. This is just the remnants of the big bang trauma I experience every time I open my eyes.
I will feel things as long as I am feeling. I will experience new places as long as I am moving. I will see different things as long as I am looking. I must stop moving. Stop feeling. Stop looking. I must stop acting. I must stop wanting. I must allow myself to come back together. I must build up the will to keep my eyes closed and never open them again. When I can do that in my moment I will have rediscovered my omnipotence, for that is the power to end my creation. I create all of it when I open my eyes; and I will end it when I close them forever.
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