In this incantation I explain how I can see my firstself right now. I only have to be aware of what I am looking at. And it is in this incantation that I arrive at yet another description of my awakening as a “cramp”.
I can close my eyes at any time and detach my center from my secondself mind and thirdself world. If I let go of what I think is the true ground of my reality for a moment I can sense something all around me: this is the flesh of my firstself. This is heaven. This is what I seek. If I dwell upon it, the hard, fixed lines of my secondself and thirdself blur and disappear into this cloudy flesh. This is who I am. This is what my true body looks like.
What I call my mind and body are suspended within this fleshy, vibrating mass. They are not critical to it. They are detrimental to it. It is here that I truly am. To the question, “what am I?”, this is the answer: I am that energetic orb that does not move. I am not the swirling, changing, painful masses of constant change I call my awakening secondself and thirdself. My secondself and thirdself are cuts and tears in the flesh of my true being. They hurt.
I can see my firstself at any time. I only have to close my eyes and trace the contours of the fleshy clouds, let secondself sensations fade and fall away like sand structures blown into nothing by the persistent wind. It is my own will that shapes these secondself and thirdself structures into the painful, rigid shapes I experience upon awakening. It is my own persistence that forcefully renders my firstself into these familiar shapes. It is my own conviction and sheer will that creates everything I experience in my awakening. My awakening is a great and painful spasm of my firstself muscles into all these familiar shapes. It is my desire for what I believe resides at the end of this forcing this.
My awakening is a cramp.
All these familiar shapes in my experience — people, places, feelings, sensations, objects, relationships — all are painful folds in the flesh of my firstself. My firstself being is a giant, infinite, muscle, and my awakening secondself and thirdself are cramps; painful tightenings I cause. When I want something so badly that I wrap my secondself and thirdself “body” around it, I create additional cramps. To escape my awakening I must want less. I must want less anything out here.
My entire awakening is my desire. My entire awakening is the shape of my desire for peace, but oriented in the wrong direction. What I truly desire, that will end all my pain, I will find when I let go of all my desire. There is nothing out here that will set me free. There is nothing out here in my awakening that can deliver me to the peace I seek. The peace I seek is not out here; it is being free from here. Freedom from my awakenings. My awakening is a great cramp in the flesh of my true being. It is my desire for relief that is creating the pain. I must let go of this desire.
All my desires are cramps in the musculature of my firstself flesh. They are rigid, painful contortions I create when I desire something so strongly I tighten my flesh around it. But everything I desire is just other painful knots I myself have created in my own flesh. Every object of desire in my awakening is a knot in my flesh. The more things I want, the more knots I create. Whether an experience, a possession, an achievement — all are fleshy knots that will eventually become painful sores.
I awaken and contort and tighten my firstself flesh into all the familiar shapes and textures of my awakening experience. The people, the places, the fears and anxieties — all are painful knotted cramps in the fleshy tissue of my firstself. All the contents of my awakening experience are variations of the same tense, tightening. Every person, every desire, every pleasure, every anxiety and fear, every bodily sensation inside and out — all are expressions of the same mechanism at work: tension from overuse, abuse, and strain. My entire awakening is a giant cluster of knots in the flesh of my firstself being.
My entire awakening is a cluster of painful cramps. Every single separate secondself concept and thirdself percept is a cramp. The cramps start in secondself then erupt into thirdself. Secondself is the subsurface, and thirdself is the surface. The more I desire in secondself, the more I will experience in thirdself. The constant desire is what creates my awakening. I must let go of everything in my awakening; desire less. I must consistently loosen my desires to escape. As I let go, the tension will fade, the strength of my desires will fade. The texture of my awakening will change. I will become more peaceable. I will worry and hurt less. I will be less forceful. I will relax, and slowly withdraw from my awakening.
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