I suffer from episodes during which I forget who, what, and where I am and adopt convictions and performative behaviors inconsistent with my true identity. The triselfist model is my evolving self-dialogue aimed at overcoming illness and restoring my health.
I write this self-dialogue with the understanding that these episodes contain projected characters I call “people” who, until recently, I have regarded as permanent, lasting, and equivalent beings sharing a space with me. But I now know that I am not a member of this group, and that they are transitory features of my fever rather than permanent, lasting, and equivalent beings. These “people” — while more vibrant, expressive, dynamic, and engaging than other features of my episodes such as objects and animals — are no less projections than any other secondself concept or thirdself percept.
Therefore, I understand and accept that my goal is not to commune with these temporary features anymore than I would with a wall, a refrigerator, or a bird. Their performative disposition toward me should not have an impact upon my own self-awareness anymore than the color of a tree or shape of its leaves would influence my convictions. In other words, the features of my awakening I call “people” play no role in the shaping of my convictions. I do not look toward them for guidance, or seek their agreement, consent, or assurance. That I have crafted them in my likeness is of no consequence; similarity of surface level quality does not convey similarity in content or essence. They are characters in a book I have authored, and their subsurface depth is a decision I make.
If I am ever in doubt, I only have to reflect upon the following: I am always here. They are not. I can demanifest them with a single decision. They cannot demanifest me. This clearly establishes them as transitory features rather than equivalent beings.
What is happening? I start from the beginning.
Upon awakening, my unified self-concept fractures into three distinct layers, which re-converge upon asleepening. Or more directly, I experience a shift from unified omniself to fragmented demiself. Though they are all part of the same whole moment, in demiself I conceptualize these three layers as distinct regions of experience. I most strongly identify with my secondself, which is a palpable collection of invisible sensations and imagination I can describe as thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and desires. My secondself is always present and highly potent in that I directly and immediately experience its various expressions. During my awakening I cannot easily detach from my secondself, though with considerable discipline I can calm it.
Within a small region of my secondself in an area I commonly call my face, is a much smaller, oval-shaped surface I call my thirdself. This region presents itself as a sort of window through which secondself “I” can see a larger world of light, color, movement, and change. Though I can detach from my thirdself by “closing my eyes”, its contents persist as an impression in my secondself indicating a strong relationship between the two. I do not have a satisfactory explanation of this yet. Because of a long-held misunderstanding, I have falsely believed that thirdself is actually a much larger space in which I am contained and share with these other beings I imagine to exist but cannot directly or instantly validate. I know this is not true, and while the various qualities of thirdself are in constant change, there is nothing beyond my thirdself horizons except secondself imagination. Compared to my secondself, the entire thirdself is much less potent and smaller.
The largest layer in demiself is my firstself. Firstself contains secondself, which in turn contains thirdself. Firstself enshrouds me and reveals itself as the sensation of infinite space extending in all directions around secondself “me”. In thirdself, I can discern firstself as the part that is not visible; the imagined backside of everything I perceive. In secondself it is the space just beyond everything I conceive.
The most prominent feature of these episodes is a strong and lasting desire within my secondself that begins upon awakening, and ends upon asleepening. This sensation of desire is insatiable, and fractures into countless expressions throughout my moment, manifesting as repetitive short-term wants such as hunger, thirst, and physical urgencies, and longer-term yearnings for friendship, possessions, achievement, freedom, and more. This state of desire is the mechanism that perpetuates my illness, for it convinces me to seek satisfaction through relief. For hunger I eat, and for thirst I drink. For satisfaction I consume and achieve. Yet the relief is only temporary, and my desire quickly returns. I know now that my convalescence depends on understanding and believing that I desire the end of this desire itself. Permanent release — not temporary relief — is what I seek.
My self-identity is based on a number of strongly-held thoughts I call convictions that inform me who, what, and where I am. Once I realize that my convictions are inaccurate, I search for the criteria upon which I can assess truthfulness. Eventually I realize that the most reliable definition of truth is that which I directly experience and know; potency. In search of more accurate convictions, I expose further contradictions between my beliefs and experience. Reconciling these differences brings an enormous degree of relief. I call this process “existential realignment”. In this process I systematically identify, challenge, and supplant convictions built on imagination with concepts I can directly and instantly validate myself.
I experience existential realignment as a deep disengagement, losing interest in activities, behaviors, ambitions, and experiences I once enjoyed, or accepted as a part of life. Relationships that I once cherished are no longer important, and aspirations that drove me now mean nothing. I understand that my real goal is not to possess, experience, or achieve anything in secondself or thirdself, but rather to heal from them and end my awakening.
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