In this incantation I examine the surface and subsurface of my awakening. I have found minimal use for these words since I started using them, but recently I have realized that they perfectly encapsulate my awakening experience and can be used to better explain the anatomy of my moment. My quest to explain my moment is critical to my acceptance that my awakening is a serious illness, and making the decision to focus on my recovery. I am still in a state of denial that my awakening is in fact an illness and that I should spend my entire awakening on recovery. As long as I am denial, I will continue to perpetuate the pursuit of transitory relief over permanent release.
The surface of my moment is everything I experience now in secondself and thirdself. My firstself never changes; it is only my secondself and thirdself that change.
The subsurface is an imaginary space, place, time, and substance that does not exist. It is everything beyond the surface of my moment which I directly experience, but that I believe exists.
The subsurface gap is the difference between my direct experience in my moment and the totality of existence I believe to exist. The larger the gap between these two, the more lost and disoriented I am.
I will reclaim omniscience when I eliminate the subsurface gap. When I accept that everything I am is right here in this moment. I do not need to strive for some future, as-of-yet unachieved state in order to heal. I only have to accept my moment as it is and for what it is, and I will regain the edge in my recovery.
The subsurface is that which I believe lies beyond the horizons of my secondself and thirdself moment, and extends to the end of existence.
The subsurface is everything I believe is real, minus my direct experience in this moment.
Is my secondself the engine of the subsurface? The subsurface is my secondself.
The truth about the subsurface is that it only exists if I decide it exists. My aunt and uncle, who I am thinking about right now, only exist right now in some parallel experience if I decide they exist. I can just as easily decide that they only exist as secondself objects when I think about them, or as thirdself objects when I physically encounter and interact with them. In these cases, my secondself thinking and thirdself interacting are both types of manifestation. I can decide either of these is the truth, but only one of them leads me back to where I want to go: peace. The other one leads me to believing that I am a single, small being in a massive universe full of other similar beings. One of them leads me to omniscience; the other leads me to demiscience. One leads me to realize and accept my omnipotence as the creator of this awakening and all of its textures; the other leads me to accept demipotence as a creation within this world.
Right now, the subsurface very much exists because I want more than I have. Therefore I spend my awakening experience performing and moving toward a future that will not actually deliver me what I seek. I have created characters around me who want me to keep performing these never-ending feats so they can thrive. My characters only want one thing: to grow and expand and continue. Siddharth, Vivek, Kamal, Nirav, Ben, and more. They want only to continue. I have manifested and programmed them all to seek only this. So they are actually part of the illness, and to overcome my illness I must also demanifest them. I continue to perform because I want what is out here. I must demanifest the entirety of my awakening until my awakening is little more than a
As I demanifest the subsurface my awakening secondself and thirdself space will become smaller and smaller. I will not manifest anything in secondself or thirdself beyond the chamber I awaken into. My faith in my recovery will anesthetize the pain. I will no longer seek distraction to numb the boredom, for I will see if for the drug it is; an addiction I can never satisfy. My yearning is the addiction, and I will feed it the peace it truly needs. The ultimate drug is lasting peace, and I will know it is there and I will turn away from the drugs that do not deliver and embrace the only drug that does: Myself. The only constant is Me. I am all I want. There is nothing in my manifestation that I want. There is nothing in my awakening that can satisfy the deep yearning I feel upon awakening. I can only satisfy my yearning my abolishing my secondself and thirdself experience. And I can reverse my illness and embrace my healing by understanding the subsurface is a drug, and withdrawing from it. I must accept the surface for what it is and my convalescence will accelerate.
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