My secondself is the inner and outer identity I assume when I awaken. That I am one among billions of individual people temporarily inhabiting a planet called earth. That I physically move around this place. That there are things I want out here, but do not or cannot have.
But there is no world of people that I do not imagine. No past and future I do not imagine. No places I do not imagine. And no thing that I want in this world that will actually fulfill my yearning. All are creations of my own imagination. All experiences originate within me. All are stories I am the author of. All is my second- and thirdself.
My secondself is not who I really am. My secondself is only a conduit from my firstself into my thirdself; a prism through which my firstself identity is deformed, trapping me in a painful condition of repeated awakenings and asleepenings. It is my own conviction that I am my secondself which traps me here in this condition.
I once wrote that where I look is where I go. And when I awaken into my secondself, I can choose to look inward toward my thirdself, or outward toward my firstself. A lifetime of suppressing my firstself has created a rigid orientation toward my thirdself, so re-focusing toward my firstself requires extensive corrections. But as I make and reinforce those corrections, it becomes easier, the resistance less.
My thirdself is an endless charade of spectacle and titillation, and I will continue to look at it as long as I believe that what I seek is within it. It seeks expansion, and requires my secondself focus and movement in order to achieve that. It has captured and imprisoned me because I believe that what I seek is “out there”, within my thirdself. But I can undermine my thirdself by rediscovering what I truly seek.
The mechanism is very simple: I am. But when I awaken, I forget that I am. The initial stage of my awakening is painful, as I am ripped away from my peaceful being and confined within my second- and thirdselves. In those moments of awakening, as I forget, my desire grows in parallel. My desire is my yearning to Be. To be who I am. To return to where I came from before I awakened here.
In this period of awakening I accept that I am my secondself within my thirdself — that I am a person in this world. And with that conviction my desire is reversed from the peaceful state I left (my firstself), and toward my thirdself. I decide what what I seek is in my thirdself, forgetting my firstself. As my awakening progresses, I restore all my beliefs and convictions that what I seek is in my thirdself, and prepare for an awakening spent pursuing aspirations, goals, comforts, pleasures, and distractions. All of which will deliver me no part of what I truly desire.
This switch between my firstself and thirdself is where my illness must be confronted, and thus is where I must focus my efforts. My early awakening (aka, “morning”) is the best time to focus on my firstself, before my thirdself has had time to fully re-establish itself. So rather than awaken and jump into my thirdself goals, I pray and incant. I remember who I am and what I truly desire, reinforcing and prolonging my firstself-awareness deeper into my awakening. Firstself-awareness weakens and destroys my thirdself influence over my secondself.
My awakening is only a temporary illness that thrives on my belief that what I desire is in my thirdself rather than my firstself. With persistence and exposure, my secondself will detach from my thirdself fully, throughout my entire awakening.
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