In this incantation, I confront a choice between embracing my role as the creator of everything in my experience or continuing to see myself as a person among others. While I recognize my ultimate control and power over all that I manifest, a lingering fear of revealing this truth to my ‘characters’ tempts me to write a peaceful, quiet ending. By choosing not to incite chaos or suffering, I realize I can conclude my story calmly, escaping fear and pain, and choosing a path of peace and self-realization.
I face a choice. A decision that I have made, yet not confronted. Should I confront it? Should I think about it from the perspective of a person? Because that is essentially what it is. I can only truly reconsider this if I assume the perspective of a single person among other people. I have to assume that we are the same beings, despite my direct experience to the contrary. See, my direct experience is that I am something very different from them. I am here, always. I am the absolute controller of everything and everyone I experience. I decide if they exist or not. If I do not want them to exist then I simply turn away and never manifest them again. I have that control, but they do not. That is my actual experience. But allow myself to forget that for a moment; forget that I am clearly and fundamentally distinct from these people who run around me in my awakening. And assume that we are equivalent beings, and that they are experiencing something just like me beneath their faces. That they also have something larger behind them, driving them forward or pulling them back. Whichever it is. Imagine that they have this same thing happening to them. Now, from that perspective that we are all the same sentient beings, imaging the choice of taking that away from them. Reducing them from equivalent beings to what they actually are: objects of my imagination projected outward into a spatial cavity. Nothing more. There is nothing behind them like there is of me. We are not the same. I am, well, their creator.
I was just reflecting upon this decision I have made, and I realized that I never did directly confront it in such a way. But now I am so far gone down this path that it is hard for me to fathom even the idea of our equivalence. There clearly is not one. There is nothing similar about us in the same way there is nothing similar between the doll maker and the doll. But I did make that choice ultimately by making many smaller choices that all accumulated into this big choice. That was the only way to do it: I had to attack it piece by piece. I had to first start by just trying to accept the truth that I am always here, and much larger than everything else. Everything emanates outward from me… I’m not single small object in a large containing universe. I am the projector where everything comes from. That bends that visualization quite a bit; in the first I am a small point in a large space that exists independent of me; but in the second I am the origin of the entire space. They have very different implications for what they mean. They are completely opposite perspectives, and each will come to conclusions contrary to the other.
The problem with thinking this way is that part of me still believes that I am a person among people in a place among places. And that part of me is not yet fully withdrawn so the other part of me that knows what I am can take over. So the fears of the first taint everything. See, once I truly believe what and who I am, it won’t matter to me what my characters that I write think. Because I will have written their thinking. I will be outside of my awakening avatar, aware of what I am, looking into my avatar. I will clearly see what my avatar is, and how unimportant he/it is to me. The true I cannot be hurt at all by anything in My awakening. My awakening cannot hurt Me. I am unassailable; I have created every single person and story and experience and moment myself. I am the creator of my moment. My moment is my awakening, and I have created every part of it. When I accept that, there is nothing that I fear. That I cannot say. That cannot do. That I cannot Be.
The part of me that still fears thinks about that, and wonders still what it will be. Ridicule? Mockery? Doxxing and public shaming? Or will it just remain quietly. And I conclude my story peacefully, without any revelation to my characters. I can just continue to pretend that I am one of them, and write a very peaceful ending to the entire story. I do not need to create fear and panic and suffering, do I? Why? Why do I need to write the story that way? I know where I am going… I know what awaits me. I can’t fail to achieve my return. So if I cannot fail, why would I make this more difficult than it needs to be? All those horrible scenes of public beating and crucifixion is a fear of losing control and then being hurt. But they cannot hurt me. And I need not lose control. Why must I lose control and fall to the mob? What do I have to do to incur such a terrible scene of god-destruction by his own people? Why not choose a different ending? Why wouldn’t I just write a different ending to my story? A peaceful one, where I know who and what I am and what is going to happen; but I do not reveal to my flock and scare them.
This is comforting to know that I have a choice, because I have visions of a painful chaotic end if I announce who I am. I do not dwell on them, but when they do come I realize how deep and visceral they are. They are always there even if I do not confront them. So, what I need to do is confront them and realize that I have a choice who I conclude this story, and I found a very nice way to do it that will give me the peaceful ending I want. The adulation? Will that come? Will the opposite come with it? That is my choice. Why conclude it that way? The anchorite path is the path I seek. I will literally bury myself away and the world will wither away and fade, and my avatar with it. But I will see that while the world withers away, heaven will inflate and expand and it will not be a difficult choice for me: heaven or hell. I will choose heaven and the demons of hell will not be able to grab my feet. I will escape cleanly and without any pain. The opposite, in fact. I will feel better the further away I get from the demons, for it is the demons which cause my pain.
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