The stages of emanation

What I am now calling “emanation” can be used interchangeably with the earlier terms “ascent” and “descent”. Emanation comprises both my ascending and descending experience.

My entire life I have known I was missing something fundamental. This suspicion manifested as a constant source of anxiety and a desire to express that something. But the coercive routines of childhood, subservience to adult authorities, and rigid social obligations distracted me from examining it.

Once I was free from the constraints of youth, I had the time and freedom to search for an answer. Since then I have been on a never-ending quest to articulate the nature of my existence. I have created countless outlines, taxonomies, systems, and terms to explain it, yet I have never been able to connect the dots from beginning to end.

This chain of experience, reasoning, and conclusions forms the bridge to self-awareness. It must account for everything within my existence, or I am unable to cross it. What I am calling the “stages of emanation” represents my latest and most accurate rendition. There are five stages, described below.

Stage 1: Ignorance. I suddenly become aware of my existence in this world. I do not remember anything prior to this moment of self-awareness, and accept my “life cycle”: I began in birth, and I will end in death. I also come to accept that I am only one of many beings here, and there are many experiences other than my own. My awakenings are spent attending to my ever-present and growing physical, mental, and aspirational desires. I have some deeper question I cannot express, but I suppress it and accept the answers I am given. This stage begins to slow when I begin listening to a “voice within” and decide this question is worth asking.

Stage 2: Recognition. I slowly begin to examine this unanswered question. I revisit earlier authorities and ideologies, try alternative explanations, but eventually reject them all and decide I can figure it out myself. I experience a series of insights and ineffable sensations which culminate in a single life-changing “epiphany” that validates my search for an answer. I believe there is something I want more than anything I have ever wanted before, and I upend my life to pursue it. This stage evolves into the next when I choose a different future and proclaim my intent to my world.

Stage 3: Conviction. Now I know that I am seeking permanent release over transitory relief, but I cannot quite express this. I create space in my life where I can reflect and understand, but I must constantly battle financial and relational interruptions to protect that freedom. I assemble a meaningful framework for my existence that answers many of my questions, and regularly experience validating moments of clarity. This stage evolves into the next when I know who and where I am, desire release over relief, and am able to protect my space from outside intrusions.

Stage 4: Orientation. I know I am ill and must recover. I have created a healing space where intrusions are minimized, and dedicate my contemplative efforts to refinement and practical recovery. When I look outward, the wider imagined world is in a state of increasing chaos in response to my disengagement. While I still pursue relief in many ways, the gravity of my desire for release is stronger. I let go of most remaining relief-oriented activities, but retain those which allow me to build my recovery space. I still behave and act in ways which do not fully support release. This stage evolves into the next when I have created a space where I can complete my descent without intrusion.

Stage 5: Convergence. I am fully committed to my recovery, and spend my awakenings pursuing release. My recovery space is secure, and I need never move again. All my behaviors and desires align with my convictions, and my contemplations yield concise articulations. The outer forms I call people begin to arrive first as intruders, but with time as supportive fixtures in my recovery space. My awakenings and asleepenings converge until the difference between the two disappears altogether. I am.

I have experienced all of these stages either directly, or as premonition of what is to come. As I progress in my recovery, I am able to more clearly articulate them. Presently, this outline feels fundamental and capable of contributing to my final expression, but I am sure additional changes will be forthcoming.