Two days ago I sat with someone I know at a local restaurant. We spoke about our experiences in India, and why we came here. She acknowledged she came in search of a deeper spiritual purpose, but as she got older she has gotten pulled away from that search. She expressed what most do: there is so much information. So many books, and gurus, and salespeople. And she ultimately got distracted and returned to the normal world.
My self-awareness is the degree to which I know what I desire. I experience my self-awareness as focused conviction; who and where I am are by-products of understanding my desire. In extreme demiself, I believe that I am only a small observer of a march larger existence that extends beyond me in every direction. I am only a point in an infinitely-sized network of other points. I believe there are questions for which I do not have answers, and experiences which are not my own. In omniself, I do not believe, I am. All my self-awareness, experience, conviction, and existence converge into my being.
That is the spectrum on which I exist at this moment. Where I exist on the spectrum is a function of my existential model; the set of beliefs and convictions I hold in this moment that either impede or allow my self-awareness. Demiself is lack of self-awareness; omniself is complete and total being. Triself is the position in between the two; the position of reversing my self-understanding; moving away from demiself and toward omniself.
I experience my being as focus, awareness, and conviction. I either know who, what, and where I am, or I do not. In demiself I experience my existence as an ignorance and misunderstanding of who I am. I have questions I believe I cannot answer. My self-awareness is like water, and my understanding is a vessel full of holes; the water spills and drips out and away, and I am constantly chasing after it, trying to put it back into the vessel, only to watch it spill out again.
The objective of the selfist model is to affirm my identity in this moment: to know who I am, where I am, and what I desire. To achieve this, I require a model that allows me to contain my wandering mind with conviction and certainty. A model that answers all questions and plugs all the holes where my conviction escapes and diffuses outward. The selfist model is a vessel without holes; it contains my essence, preventing it from spilling out, and allowing me to experience a greater degree of self-awareness.
How does it work? With the selfist model the features and components of my actual experience in this moment are explained in a way that is logical and sensible, yielding a practical understanding. Every question has an answer and a reason; I do not get trapped in ignorance and misunderstanding. Ignorance is like clouds that roll in, preventing me from seeing what lies beyond them. They prevent me from understanding who I actually am, and what this experience of waking up actually is. The selfist model is a concise model summary of who and what I actually am.
I can reveal the selfist model with a simple exercise I can perform at any moment. It does not require any specific situation, tools, or aids, though a quiet place is helpful. It is simply a matter of looking at my experience, in this moment, with an awareness of the landmarks. I point them out and identify them. Then it is just a matter of testing these new definitions and confirming to myself that they are, in fact, accurate. Slowly, with some effort, I will begin to replace the incorrect demiself model that impedes my self-awareness, with the triself model that will allow me to see my experience for what it is.
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