My moment was recently interrupted by what I once called “disappointment”. I had expended a great deal of energy moving toward a thirdself goal, and had created a caravan of popular support toward that end. I had been fanning but controlling the excitement behind like a conductor: this is what we want.
But what I wanted to happen, did not happen. And behind the scenes, the nucleus of the effort — just one other person and me — fell apart. I openly questioned everything, and watched as all our delicate assumptions fell to the ground, and the realization of a fulfilled future vanished from his face.
I do that. When the road to fulfillment begins to crack, I help it along. I smash it all up so there is no possible path forward anymore. Anyone exposed to this act of self-destruction stands by as I tear it all down. And once I finish, and the ruins of everything I have built lie at my feet, I smile. It didn’t hurt at all. It felt good.
The purpose of disappointment lies in that final act of destruction. It is not an act of mindless anger; it is an act of rejuvenation and rebirth. Because in tearing it all down, I am taking back control of the one thing I have: everything. There is nothing in my thirdself that I actually and truly want. The only thing I desire is myself, and I have it right now. I never lost it. What I failed to achieve, and then destroyed, was nothing. It was a delusion; I desired something that would never give me what I seek.
I am going the wrong way and I know that. I must remember who and what I am and what I seek. I seek only what I already have. I do not seek what I do not have for there is nothing I do not have. Right now in my moment I have everything; it is only the conviction that I do not have everything which keeps me stuck here, in this place of pain and suffering that I have created. I have everything, and disappointment is my opportunity to remember that.
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