I always had a puritanical streak; a desire to “be good”. I did not always know what this was.
I have always remained aloof. I never joined groups, or gotten involved with people. In my youth I had an internal alarm system that rang when I moved too far away from some inner center.
In leaving my homeland for another country I made the decision to withdraw completely. And in the process I gained much:
When I see my own people I forget they are just shapes dancing around in front of me. I forget they are forms that I can manifest and demanifest at will. I read into them. I care what they think. I imagine them as deeper than they are.
But in India, where I am surrounded by people I do not know or understand, I do not care about them. I do not care for their opinions. I am not connected to their holidays or judgements. I do not care. I can remain aloof.
I can illustrate: my awakening is the bloom of illness. All the memories of an unknowable past, aspirations of an unknowable future, unfulfilled desires, and unknowable beliefs are the petals of my bloom, extending outward. Every belief I hold that I cannot know right now is an anchor into my awakening.
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