In this incantation, my awakening is a fabric that I shape and distort with every desire and movement, creating the changes I perceive as my reality. I become lost in these changes, forgetting that I am their source, overwhelmed by the sequence of moments that blurs my truth. My desire fuels this movement, and my conviction steers it, but only by stopping and recognizing my sovereignty can I remember that all is within me. The illusion of others, time, and space dissolves, leaving only the realization that everything exists through my own creation and decision.
My awakening moment is a reflective fabric that I bend and distort and shape with every movement. I desire, then I move to satisfy that desire. It is my movement that immediately precedes all change. It is my reaction to this change which creates more change. When the change reaches a certain threshold I forget that I am the source of it all because I am enamored of the change itself, not the changer behind it all. That I am the creator of everything I experience in my awakening, from the mountains in the horizon to the villagers around me to the historical characters in the stories of the people. There is only this moment, yet I experience it as a great blurry and continuous sequence of moments, each feeding and amplifying the next, creating the cacophony that is my awakening. I am overwhelmed and unable to focus on the truth of my circumstance. The truth of my awakening.
I must decide to stop moving and give myself a chance to see and remember what I am. See that nothing moves or changes without me. It is by my choice that anything exists at all in my inner secondself or outer thirdself. I am the source of all these changes, and the more I move unaware of this, the more movement I will create, further confusing myself. As I release these delusions I will withdraw from the indecision and conviction and desire of my awakening. My desire is the fuel of my awakening, and my conviction is the steering wheel.
My sovereignty. My experience is exactly what it is, and what I decide it is. What my awakening is and what I decide it is are the same thing. If I decide there are things unknown, then things unknown exist. If I decide that I know everything, then I am omniscient. The entirety of my awakening is a decision that I make.
My True Identity: One of the most challenging aspects of understanding my true identity is overcoming my belief that truth is something collectively shared by “people”. This belief leads me to think that I must take into account and accept the ideas and opinions of people, which results in a state of immobility. It means I feel stuck because I am constantly trying to reconcile my own understanding with the views of those around me. To rediscover my identity, I need to move beyond this need for external validation and trust in my own perceptions and insights.
My Desire: Another significant challenge in my awakening journey is overcoming the desire for material or superficial things. I need to understand that these things are not what I truly seek or want. This requires a deep belief that the fulfillment I am looking for cannot be found in these external desires. Once I genuinely believe this, I will no longer feel the desire for them, allowing me to focus on what truly matters in my personal growth and awakening.
What I desire is not in my awakening. My true desire is to end my desire. Desire is an unwanted state of confusion and disorientation. It is a state in which I forget that what I am and what I seek are one and the same. If I am pursuing anything in my awakening that is not ostensibly myself, then I am going in the wrong direction.
My Personhood. The belief that I am the same type of being as the characters I call “people” is wrong. I am different from them because I conceive and perceive them. Outside of my conception and perception they do not exist. I am their creator, and they do not exist outside of my act of creation. All of them. They are characters I have written.
Alterity. My belief that there are other beings than me, other times beyond now, and other places beyond here constrain and prevent me from unwakening. There is no otherness; all sense of or belief in otherness is rooted in the same place: me. There is nothing substantial and essential outside of me. I am all there is, and everything “other” is a projection of mine.
Time and space. Time and space are joint artifacts of my secondself and thirdself. Time is just the space of my inner world.
Movement. Movement is a consequence of my desire, and my desire is a consequence of my essential anxiety at forgetting who and what I am. All movement I perform stems from my existential unrest. All movement is an expression of desire and pain. All movement is toward the end of ending my desire, ending my movement, ending change, and returning to being. All movement is toward unwaking.
My Memories: I believe that I am the person who did bad things in the past. This extends from the false belief that the past I believe in happened. That the memories in my head are impressions of true events, rather that stories I tell myself. The key to “forgiving myself” is not a matter of accepting that I did past misdeeds, but rather accepting that I haven’t done anything. That the totality of who and what I am is who and what I am in this moment.
My moment is the totality of reality. My moment ebbs and flows, conceptually and perceptually. When I am thinking about space, the conceptual shape of my moment extends to the cosmos. When I am looking at the mountains, the perceptual shape of my moment extends to those mountains. It is my own thinking and doing and sensing that forms the horizons of my moment, which itself is the shape of “reality”.
What my awakening is and what I decide it is are the same thing.
What I experience and what exists in totality are the same thing.
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