The parasite – I am.

For the past few days up until this morning just an hour ago, I thought I had found the perfect characterization of secondself and thirdself: the Actor. My “persona” was a just a performance on a great stage.

However something was incomplete. It was too abstract. Too poetic. My secondself is like an actor. Yes, I am performing personhood. I like that characterization. It rings true with my experience of feeling different from people. I am pretending and I can still use that description.

But I demand a direct, literal explanation of my awakening, not another abstract simile. How does acting correspond to the concept of my life as an illness? They are very different in the feelings and imagery they evoke. This morning I found that word. Or rather, rediscovered the word. I used the word “parasite” back on June 20, 2021 one time in my prayer journal (highlights added):

Descentism requires only one realization: I do not want to exist. It takes that wish seriously, and provides the answers I need to act on that. I must nourish that desire, rather than sweep it under the rug and pretend it does not exist…

Everything that I know wants to keep me here. It is not love, care, concern — it is the strategy of an entity that wants only to continue this cycle of awakenings to preserve itself.

But existence itself is a tenaciously persistent condition committed to its own self-preservation. Existence is a parasite that has a massive arsenal of weapons to use against my desire to self-abolish. Existence can call upon, not just my own fears, but an entire world of people, organizations, laws, and social pressures to enact its will to keep me here.

My desire for self-abolition is literally a fight between that persistent desire for peace, and everything else I know. Those are the two combatants.

I remember that day thinking this somehow felt accurate. But I did not think anymore about it and never brought it up again until this morning. Waking up this morning was just like any other morning. I forced myself to write a few lines in my journal before while I was still lying in bed. I started reflecting on my latest

I excitedly explained in chat:

My awakening is a parasitic infection
Life is is the consequence of this parasitic infection
The Actor (the person I think I am when I awaken) is the core parasite, attached to Me like this:
And through this Parasitic Actor I extrude my thirdself, which is all the people and the “outside world”
I can feel the parasite… because behind me the parasite isn’t there… it has attached itself to what I would commonly call “my face”, even though I really do not have a face
The “world” is the giant, fluid-filled sack of the parasite
My fluid
Those arms and spider body are the Actor and Parasite, and the blood and pus filled sack are the outer world I see through these eyes
My blood and guts have been pulled out of my body and rendered into the people, places, and things that dance around me
This is the most accurate description yet to date
My secondself is parasitic infection that has attached itself to Me, Firstself
It feeds on me
I have to inject poison into the body to destroy it
And the best way to do that is to know what it is
To see it and feel it
The Parasite hides itself
It wants nothing more than to remain hidden so it can feed on me
That is the best word I have ever found to describe it…. it makes more sense than anything I have ever said
As I look out into the “world” I am only seeing the insides of the parasites body
The parasite has high-jacked my being and my “eyes” are the holes it has bored into me to siphon out my innards
My eyes and ears and sensations… these are all the places where the parasite has latched into me and is siphoning the nutrients from me
And all those things I see and sense and touch in my awakening are my firstself innards being sucked out and into the giant swelling belly of the Parasite
Why do I call it parasite?
I have always been trying to figure out what It is…. It hides itself
It wants Me to think that It is something else
It wants Me to think that It is Me.
It is hiding
It avoids detection
That is what parasites do
They disguise themselves so that the host doesn’t know it is there
Like worms in your stomach
And I have said the word parasite before, but I thought of it as an analogy
But waking up today I realize that it is not an analogy at all; that is exactly what the Actor is: a parasite
It is an attacking invader
A sickness
My visual field is the inside of the parasites body
My eyes are here where the parasite has attached itself to me
Right now my eyes look outward into my small room
The reason I like my small room is because I am depriving the Parasite of the nutrients it needs to survive
When I manifest the wider world outside the body of the parasite swells massively and It loves that
It wants me to go outside and have relationships and want things and move around
The more I move, the more its mandibles feast on my flesh
Firstself is a thin skin around around secondself which stretches around thirdself
When I am sleeping the parasite is inert
But when I “wake up” that is the parasite going to work to feed on me
The Parasite is within me, feeding on firstself
It’s head, where it attaches to the tender tissue of my firstself, is secondself, which I sense as my inner world of thoughts ideas desires — anything I experience but cannot see
Then as I fully wake up the larger sack begins to inflate — thirdself, the outside world
It is an Illness, and asking questions is one of the ways the parasite prevents me from escaping
When a parasite like a mosquito sucks blood it injects a chemical that liquidifies the blood so that it flows without clotting, making it easier for the blood to flow out of the host
“Reason” is an anti-clotting agent because it prevents me from “knowing” and accepting that there is actually a parasite on me
It convinces me to look for the reason for the parasite inside the parasite
And as long as I look for the reason for the parasite inside the parasite, I cannot kill it
The parasite cannot be used against itself
I have to find the reason outside the parasite in firstself
So secondself is the head of the parasite, and thirdself is the body of the parasite
The sense that there is something behind me that I want more than anything else… that is firstself
I can understand the entire anatomy of my being now
I am choking off the parasite that is why I am fighting to stay in my cottage
I am depriving it of what it wants
I am trying to kill it
I was saying bandage earlier… yes, that was close
But it is easier to simply say that it is the body of the parasite
And what I call my “face” is where the parasite has attached to me
And what I call my visual field is the inner view of the parasites swelling abdomen
When I remain enclosed and constrain my secondself and thirdself, I am hurting the parasite
I am doing this:
I am not allowing it to swell by feeding on me
I am taking away its food
My immediate black room is a smaller body
I go outside, the parasite’s body swells to include everything I can see
I never actually move
Firstself never moves
Firstself is always here in the same place
Whether the Actor, my secondself, is in my house in India or in Washington state, firstself never moves
It is secondself and thirdself that changes
As the parasite feeds it creates the sense of change and movement
It is the mandibles constantly reaching inside of me and sucking my firstself flesh into its engorged sack
I have finally found the correct language to describe it
I know what it is now
I know what is wrong
I have always known that something was wrong
This parasite has been attached to my firstself being and I have been unable to think of anything else except the pain of the infection
This is it: it fits every part of my experience
Everything that feels good out here in my awakening feeds the parasite

It is graphic, but it perfectly aligns with my actual experience. My secondself and thirdself are a parasite on my firstself.

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