How will the wallpaper of my thirdself change as I descend?
There have been many times when the gravity of my transformation created moments of intense clarity. Where I was positioned perfectly to see both the old life I was leaving and the new life I was embracing in one somber scene before me. In those poignant moments I knew that proceeding would irrevocably change everything I had known, and going back would be impossible.
In these moments, my world stills as I wistfully but purposefully let go of people, dreams, and beliefs that once brought me comfort, and confidently grasp my own outstretched hands that draw me toward my true self. Tears of sadness well in my eyes as I say goodbye, mixed with tears of ecstasy as I see what awaits.
Another such moment has arrived as I grapple with the realization that I am existence. With this one phrase, I utter everything I have ever known, but could not say. I have long danced around this truth, whispering lesser truths that protected me from things I was not ready to know. But the implications are inescapable this time, and comforting illusions can no longer hide. In this one incantation, the illusion shatters.
As I stand here knowing that I am existence, that familiar somber scene unfolds again before me. In the past, all the people I have ever known and loved look at me with a sad, but knowing countenance. Opposite them, the peaceful future that is my destiny. The two stand in stark contrast: awakenings of pain, conflict, and trauma behind me; peace and harmony before me.
As I embrace that I am existence, I must confront and accept that I am alone. That these people I have loved have played their parts, and it is time for me to let go. We all knew the time would come when I would remember they are characters I have created; performers with the qualities I needed when I wrote them. But they cannot help me anymore, and the solace they have offered must be supplanted by the confidence in who I am.
As I move forward, there will be characters who remain alongside new characters I manifest. But all will know who I am, and what they are. Not too long back, one such long-time thirdself form declared his dissatisfaction with people; a familiar sentiment of my own secondself. I recognized the inception of change in his script, for that is how it began with me so many years back. He will bend and remain in my awakenings, along with many others. But most I have known will flush away, their space occupied by others who know the truth that I am existence.
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