Though the traditional concept of an unfurling, linear timeline contradicts my actual experience, reimagining time is a challenging exercise. I have grown comfortable describing my experience in imaginary, extraexperiential terms. And more importantly, my daily rituals and activities depend on the traditional structure of time.
Truth: I only experience this moment. I imagine the non-present past and future based on artifacts in my present moment. Though imaginary, I behave in my awakening as if time is absolute and passing.
So what is happening?
Firstly, the word “real” is useless. Just because the past and future are imagined, does not mean they are not “real”. It does not mean that I cannot, do not, or am not justified in reacting to the past or future events I imagine. The past and future are distortions of my present moment, and since I am invested in this distortion, they are “real” to me and I move with them. My conviction binds me to the distortion, so I will suffer if I do not consider them in my behavior. My bond to the distortion means that I am entangled with these beliefs, like paint mixed together.
In selfist analysis, I describe my experience as it occurs in my moment and exclude all imaginary, extraexperiential aspects. Let’s take an example: I imagine myself splashing around in waist-deep water, creating waves and ripples in the pool. I made the decision to move my body and create disturbances in the water. I am fully responsible for my moment of creation. However, I am unable to articulate the mechanics and physics of the waves in spoken words.
In demiself, I believe that because these waves can be explained in technical jargon, that explanation exists. And I believe that my inability to explain the waves in technical detail is evidence that I am a being with limited knowledge. However, in triself, I know that my inability to explain the waves does not preclude my role as their creator. It was my decision to move my body and create those waves and every consequence thereof is secondary. Further, in triself, I understand that endeavoring to explain “how” is unimportant and demiselfist.
In summary:
- In demiself, I believe that “knowing how” is important and valuable.
- In triself, I know that “knowing how” is inferior to creation because it does not contribute to my desire to end my desire.
In demiself, I value behaviors and skills that have vague, convoluted relationships to what I seek. Being able to recite the mechanics of waves in the language of mathematics and physics will in no way shorten my path toward the release I seek. In fact, it will only elongate it because that exercise will confuse me about what is important. In perfecting the skill of articulating these scientific concepts I will have to endure a great amount of painful conditioning through formal education. This skill has absolutely no positive bearing on my desire for release and is based on distortions. Yet in demiself, I attach value to this skill.
In triself, I evaluate all my actions, behaviors, and values in terms of how they will help me achieve release. I understand that what I seek occurs at the moment before creation, not after. At the heart of my moment is what I seek; it is always here and precedes time. Everything that emanates outward from the moment of creation is the web in which I am trapped. In triself, I know that my goal is to get back to that moment of creation, and not to get trapped in the emanation.
In triself, I understand that the moment of creation is the genesis of my awakening, and it is happening right now. Endlessly. But when I divert my attention outward from the moment of creation to later moments such as the ripples emanating away from me, I am diminished because I cannot utter a string of words in a particular order. In demiself I allow myself to be diminished by my inability to articulate the “how”.
There is only this moment, and it is always the moment of creation. I create now, but I orbit around my moment of creation like a satellite. I imagine distant places, unknown events, and things I have not created, all of which keeps me in orbit around my moment of creation without returning to it.
…