One of the most confusing and disorienting aspects of demiself is the fragmentation of my desire. Upon awakening and manifesting my secondself and thirdself, I immediately commence my unending quest for relief. It takes many forms, starting with the simple physical desire to wake up and move out of my bed. Then I desire to use the restroom and alleviate the physical pressure in my body, followed shortly thereafter by the ritualistic preparation of my morning coffee in anticipation of a day of toil.
I toil to achieve both short and long-term desires. I want to provide services to my clients and get paid, and in turn buy the things I need to live comfortably. This goes on and on, in an everlasting chain of goals I believe will satisfy my immediate and long-term physical, mental, emotional, and aspirational needs. I experience all these desires individually: I imagine that my need to go to the restroom in the morning is very different from my desire to solidify my legacy by writing a book. But they are only different in texture; in nature and substance, they are the exact same thing, and will end up in the exact same state.
I experience awakening as the painful fragmentation of my yearning. What begins and ends as a singular desire to remain in and return to my firstself, splinters into countless individual threads of want in search of fulfillment. Upon my moment of asleepening, all my secondself desires coalesce back into my singular yearning for firstself, which I experience as the inescapable will to sleep.
At the precise moment I begin to awaken and manifest my secondself and thirdself, my desire is concentrated and singular: I desire to remain at peace, in firstself. As I progress through my awakening, manifesting my secondself and then my thirdself, my yearning begins to splinter into individually-identifiable desires; physical, mental, emotional, and countless sub-categories below each of them, until my awakened experience is little more than a series of coordinated movements targeting the fulfillment of immediate, short, mid, and long-term goals and desires. At the foundation of each of these desires is the imagined, but mistaken belief that in achieving these desires I will somehow find what I am searching for.
Desire is the very foundation of my demiself experience. My living experience becomes the misdirected collection of secondself goals, oblivious to the truth that my true yearning is for the end of my yearning altogether. Daily, I achieve exactly what it is I search for when I simply return to sleep; I need not do anything in my secondself and thirdself to return to the heaven I seek. As long as I set and tend the desires of my secondself, I will continue to experience the illness of awakening.
Omniself is the absence of desire, among other things; there is nothing I do not have and therefore nothing I want. As I reorient toward omniself and away from demiself I experience the consolidation of my desires; I want fewer things in awakening, and those I do still seek I want more intensively as I concentrate my yearning. With effort and conviction work, I release my hold on my thirdself, and then my secondself, until I awaken into illness no more.
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