In this incantation, I explore my drive to explain my awakening as a form of prayer, strengthening my conviction to reclaim my Being. Each refinement releases beliefs and behaviors that keep me trapped in awakening’s illness. With clarity and focus, I confront my fears, preparing to release attachments and distractions. As I approach the edge of my Being, stories and questions will dissolve, replaced by the peace and completeness of simply Being—a state infinitely beyond secondself’s broken language.
Why do I spend so much time trying to explain and re-explain the nature of my awakenings? Every day I whittle away at my description, changing words, switching out analogies, and refining paragraphs down to sentences. But why?
I do this because I know that I am circling the drain of my illness. I know that down the drain is where I seek to go, but I am not ready to jump. Something holds me back; it is my fear. I fear who I am. I must remember who I am, and let go of my fear, and believe that is truly what I seek. When I spend time writing, I am praying. I am changing my own mind. I am convincing myself that I am in truth, ill, and that what I seek is not out here in my illness. That the things I believe I want are not truly what I want. That what I truly want is down that drain: myself.
Every change to my description of my awakening corresponds to a change in my conviction. Every step I take toward sharpening my explanation, is a step toward strengthening my conviction. As I believe, I change my performance in my awakening. I stop behaving in ways I once did. I let go of beliefs that entangle and entrap me here. I stop the endless recursive secondself thought cycles that confuse and disorient me so I can focus on the light at the end of the tunnel where I want to be. I let go of an imaginary past that never happened, and focus my energy on reclaiming my present moment where I am.
My prayers and incantations bring me closer to the very edge of my Being. They will bring me so close that I can see it with my own inner and outer eyes, feel it on every part of my skin, reach out and touch it. With conviction, I destroy those fears that hold up my progress toward true peace. With conviction, I can easily confront and overcome all the challenges that lie between me and the peace I seek. I can let go of the relationships, possessions, aspirations, and experiences that hinder my return. With conviction, I will get so close to the edge of my Being, that I will no longer doubt that it is what I seek.
I still rely on short stories I replay in my head to explain who I am. But as I get closer to the edge of my Being, I will not need stories; I will just Be. I will not need to know, I will just Be. I will not question or seek answers, because my Being is infinitely more potent than answers spoken in the broken language of secondself. My Being does not require answers. My Being does not invite questions of who, what, when, where, or why. My Being delivers all answers as one complete state.
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