In this incantation, I reflect on my previous obsession with measuring and documenting aspects of my life, recognizing that these efforts were driven by my desire for external validation from imaginary “people.” Now, I see that such pursuits are futile and no longer seek approval or recognition. I explore the various dimensions of my awakening—social, chronological, intellectual, recreational, nutritional, financial, and sexual—and evaluate my progress toward selfist goals. While I feel the urge to quantify this progress, I understand that true healing comes from letting go of these desires and focusing solely on my recovery. I examine all the ways in which I am moving toward my goal of healing and escape. It has taken me five weeks since I first started this incantation to finally complete and publish it.
I once spent a lot of my awakening effort measuring and defining the various aspects of my life, tracking them as I would a subject scores. I would come up with a measurement system for some dimension of my life, quantify it, and then document it in tabular format. I avoid these kinds of endeavors now because they are obsessive, academic, and useless. Beyond that, my writing is of no value except to me in the moment I write it because I know that people are not my audience.
There was a time when I considered how the imaginary “people” would read my writing and respond. I imagined myself as some sort of knowledge-giver, and the people receiving my wisdom with great appreciation and gratitude. But now I know that is neither what will happen nor what I seek. The reality of how my people receive information is clear today; how ugly and painful sharing is. How the people coalesce into a mob to tear down anything that undermines their own written belief system that I myself created for them. There was a time when I sought fame and recognition because I was insecure in what I knew to be the truth: that I am the author of this entire story. I was lost in a make-believe world where my value was based on the accolade and approval of “people”, therefore I sought fame.
But now I know that I am the creator of recognition in my awakening and it has no value to me. Recognition and social approval are choices that I make. My people will know who and what I am when I decide to reveal myself, but until I am ready for that awakening experience, I will cherish my anonymity.
In this moment, I find myself chewing on the various ways I have progressed toward my selfist goals, and I can see value right now in modeling it. I feel an urge to quantify my progress, identifying areas where I perform well, and others where I do not. At the same time I know that the only effort that is required of me is to let go of my awakening desires, and my progress is imminent. So, documenting my progress is still useless. I certainly do not need to make a plan for self-improvement or correction. However, to keep myself occupied on this day of prayer, I outline the various dimensions of my awakening and mark my progress on each.
- Valuational? What do I value?
- Fantasy – Imagining people reading my writing, or responding to and affirming my success
Social
My social state represents a critical dimension of my illness and measures the degree to which I believe the lie of my own personhood. My personhood is the deepest delusion of all for it convinces me that I am a person among other people, existing in a place that I cannot escape from. By believing that I am one person among countless others, I belittle myself and reconstruct the truth of my existence into something it is not.
- Weak Orientation – I believe and actively behave as if I am a person. I engage with other people as if I am one of them, rather than their creator. I see myself as a person among other people. I spend a lot of time in social engagements and performing social rituals demanded of relationships with people and society at large. I either believe in a creator other than myself, I accept that I do not know, or I believe that this is all there is.
- Strong Orientation – I know that I am the creator of everything within my awakening, including all people. I know that I am not a person, and that people are merely characters of my own creative manifestation. I do not get engage with people in traditional roles, and look at them as an artist looks upon his artwork. I do not give any weight to my engagements with people, and when I look at them in movement I understand there is never anything beyond the surface, either in thirdself or secondself.
Chronological
My chronological state is the degree to which I desire and engage in time-based performances in my awakening. This includes secondself “memories” and future aspirations, as well as any performances that exist within and continue upon a linear timeline.
- Weak Orientation – I often think of the past. My awakening is spent fulfilling past commitments and in pursuit of future aspirations, such as in acquiring possessions, achievements (publishing a book), social validations, or professional performances (delivering a project). I perform relationships according to an imagined shared past. I value the accumulation or collection of possessions.
- Strong Orientation – My awakening is not spent in the continuation of efforts derived from imaginary past commitments, or imaginary future relief, privilege, value, or achievement. I awaken into my moment and remain here.
Intellectual
My intellectual state is my desire for mental stimulation, titillation, and certainty. It relies on an interest in learning, and my acceptance that there are things I do not know. Seeking outside intellectual stimulation requires me to believe there is value in listening to and learning from people and thirdself sources.
- Weak Orientation – I believe there is more to know beyond what I presently know, and consume information through a variety of channels. I seek “learning” through people, or through the indirect methods of people. I am engrossed in the peoples’ knowledge and techniques. I ingest content and information for intellectual stimulation. I am curious, and I give credence to the stories of people. As I ingest this information I am pondering its truthfulness without understanding what it actually is.
- Strong Orientation – I do not seek intellectual stimulation produced by people because I understand that I am their creator, they are symptoms of my disease and cannot help me in my recovery. I understand that the content they produce is part of and within my illness and by its nature only leads me away from my moment.
Recreational
My recreational state is my desire for pleasure and enjoyment. There can be a recreational aspect to every dimension of my awakening, but it can also exist independently if I perform for pleasure alone. Recreational performances deliver me away from the pain of my condition, but once over, will lead me deeper into pain.
- Weak Orientation – I seek constant titillation and distraction in order to avoid looking at the truth: that I am trapped here, ill, and I need to escape. But instead of pursuing the truth I create ways to fill my awakening with anything and everything but the truth. What is at first pleasurable and enjoyable, over time becomes repetitive and joyless. So I find new recreational activities.
- Strong Orientation – I do not engage in recreational activities for there is nothing here I should be doing except trying to escape. I never forget that I want out, and so do not stray off the path of redemption.
Nutritional
My nutritional health refers to the types and quality of inputs I consume, and my overall desire levels for more. Food can be a strong force in my awakening because it not only sustains me, but also entertains and distracts. Abused, it can consume a significant amount of my awakening moment to the point of pain.
- Weak Orientation – I desire a great diversity of food inputs. I often crave food or drink that I do not need to sustain me. I want a large diversity of foods, and flavor is very important to me. I am dissatisfied when my food is not of a diverse and flavorful type or shape. I will go to great lengths to prepare and consume food with specific profiles.
- Strong Orientation – I make all my own food myself. I eat only simplest and minimal variety of foods that sustains me. I do not feel a great pull to try new foods, and am focused on the sensation of fullness as satiety, as opposed to diversity and pleasure. I understand that the various colors, textures, flavors, and diverse characteristics of food masks the essential sameness of everything.
Financial
My financial health refers to my relationship to financial accumulation. The financial struggle is a major factor in my awakening moment and one that I must understand and overcome in order to return to my moment and recover. I must remember that I myself have created the financial dimension; I alone created the currency I chase, and the illusion of fulfillment upon capturing it.
- Weak Orientation – I believe that I both need and want more than I have, and that what I seek lies on the other side of acquiring more money. I experience deep avarice and falsely equate my own satisfaction with having more. I do not understand or accept my own authorship of money nor all I can acquire with it. I do not realize that everything I need I have in this moment, and what I truly seek — the one thing that will give me all that I want — is in the direction opposite to financial pursuits. I spend a substantial amount of my awakening in a financial performance.
- Strong Orientation – I do not engage in all but the necessary financial transactions. It is possible even that I have accumulated enough financial substance in my moment to achieve a degree of stability where I am not required to move either in secondself or thirdself for financial means. I understand what money is and do not value it.
Sexual
My sexual health is the degree to which I experience sexual arousal and think about or pursue sexual satisfaction. It also considers effort spent toward making myself more attractive to prospective mates, such as exercising, socializing, and certain social conventions. My sexual state overlaps my interpersonal state.
- Weak Orientation – I do not see people as my own creations, and therefore do not understand the oddity of pursuing them in this manner. I consume pornographic content and engage in sexual relations with people.
- Strong Orientation – I understand the nature of my fixation on my creations, and can overcome and suppress lustful urges. I have dwelled deeply upon crushes and sexual attractions embedded within the flesh of my moment, and picked them out until objects I once sexualized, no longer arouse my attention in the same way.
I complete this incantation in haste, and perhaps in time I will revisit and write more in-depth about the topic.
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