In this incantation, I describe a realization that the beings around me are not real companions but decoys created by a parasitic force that keeps me tied to this painful existence. I see relationships, concern, and fear of death as manipulations to extract my energy and prevent my escape from what I know to be a false existence. I struggle with not knowing whether this force is part of me or something external, yet I choose isolation in hopes of weakening it and reclaiming my true self beyond this trapped state.
It came to me yesterday: decoys. That is what all these characters are. They are all painted faces on the fingers of the demon, the parasite, that keeps me here. Since I know that this awakening is an illness and that I don’t want to be here, anything that tries to keep me here must be part of the mechanism that is working against my true will to be in heaven.
The decoys all share one thing in common: they want me to remain here. In one form or another, they all want me to stay here, “alive”. They all fear “death” and they all depend on me also fearing it. The degree of their desire to keep me here runs along a spectrum from need and attachment to just a generalized mantra that “life is good” and desirable. The most needy are those with whom I have a “relationship”. That is parents, friends, partners, and my closest character relationships. These decoys would respond in horror to the idea of my unwakening. They wouldn’t even want to hear about it.
Further along the spectrum to the point of casual passersby and strangers, the characters will exhibit a generalized concern if something were to happen to me. If I were to be distressed or hurt, even the most foreign villager in an ancient village in India would nurse me back to health, though they might not display any outward concern until such an event happened. These outward exhibitions of fear and anxiety are the way that they shame and coerce me to press on, because it is my awakening that nourishes the dark force behind them all.
I don’t know yet the exact structure of the parasitic force behind it all. I don’t know why it’s there. I don’t know if it is another entity or being of some sort, or just a corrupted part of my own being. So I don’t know yet how to address it. I do know now that when I am speaking to one of the decoys, I am actually speaking to the force behind it. They all have different faces and qualities; some of them I enjoy. But now I know that they are actually each of them straws injected into my true being, draining my vital being force and keeping me in this cycle of awakening. I know that the hardened body I experience with arms and legs, a face and chest… that is the shape left over after being savaged by these decoys to feed the parasitic force that creates my awakening. I know that all these thoughts and ideas that I perceive to be “beneath” the body, are the inflamed flesh where the poison enters to make the draining of my vital being force possible; this is what lubricates the slurping of my being into the parasite so that it grows stronger and I grow weaker. It is my awakening that feeds it.
Do the decoys know? They don’t have the capacity “to know”. They just are painted faces on the parasite’s many suckers. They are built to deceive me into engaging and forming relationships, which are the mechanism by which they anchor me to the awakening and extract my lfie force. The more deeply they bond, the more the parasite can extract from me, keeping me here. That is why I have chosen the darkened room for my awakening, without the “people”, the decoys. By awakening into this environment I weaken the parasite considerably.
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