In what I would call my “adult life” there have been two competing desires: the desire for worldly success and comforts, and the desire for transcendence. These two desires always fought and argued for control of my life, and when one was at its peak, the other had receded.
Now I know that this has been the interplay of the will of my parasitic secondself and thirdself and the natural will of my firstself. In seeking worldly exploits, my parasite seeks the nutrients that will nourish it from the inside out. With every worldly desire and ambition, my parasite grows stronger and bolder. It’s position is secured with my conviction in the value of these things out here in my awakening. My parasite wants nothing more than for me to want, desire, engage. It does not care if I achieve any of that, only that I want it. If my wants turn to disappointments and regret, it feeds all the same. Pain, fear, ambition, pleasure: it is all the same to my parasite. Life.
My desire for transcendence and peace is the desire of my firstself. My firstself seeks healing and reunion. It is aware that I have been infected by a parasite, and it seeks to free me from its grips. It knows that unbridled desires in my awakening are painful, and it seeks only to remind me that everything I ever wanted is already mine.
In the end my desire for transcendence, for descent, for reunion and purification will win. I will destroy the parasite and be free from this illness and disease. As my desire to end my desire overtakes my desire for the trinkets of my awakening, I will bend the world within the belly of my parasite to my will for peace. I will use the weapons of my parasite against it to destroy and overcome it. I will see the convergence of my desires: my worldly desires will become my transcendent desires and I will end the parasite.
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