Ten or eleven days ago I began cloistering. Since then I have not left my cottage or interacted with people beyond two visitors who occasionally visit. Seclusion is not new to me, but self-isolating in a completely darkened thirdself chamber with intention to self-constrain is a new experience. It has been beneficial in many ways which I describe below.
- Identification of the Parasite. Yesterday I had the breakthrough realization that my secondself and thirdself together form the parasite. I still sense there is some refinement required, but this construct unlocks some important insights into the nature of my awakenings and is helping me to make sense of many of the things I knew, but was unable to connect together into a cohesive framework.
- Sense of time. Time has largely jumbled together. I already know and understand that my moment is all there is, and that time smolders and emanates away from me constantly, giving rise to the sensation of a linear framework. In isolation, the bones that form the sequence of the chronological framework start to soften and differences between Wednesday and Saturday become less distinct. I even found myself marveling at one of my visitors as he recalled in great detail what happened less than two weeks ago. In isolation I no longer need that facility and so it is shriveling up and dying.
- Concerted focus. Thirdself constraint has eliminated many of the potential distractions that arise from manifesting a larger thirdself full of people, places, things, motion, and change. Everything within my thirdself is mine, and by extension, me. It is much more difficult to experience that sense of wholeness when I manifest a chaotic world full of villagers, property, laws, rules, and distractions. Spending my entire moment in a space that is completely under my dominion is empowering and eliminates all the stress, anxiety, and demipotence of manifesting a larger thirdself.
- Reduction in the performative personhood. Pretending to be a person is a frantic and psychotic experience that always results in me feeling depleted, dishonest, and demipotent. No matter where I am, who I am with, and how comfortable I am with those people, I must always maintain a certain level of acting. I must wear clothes, bathe, present myself in a certain way, say certain things, and behave in a prescribed manner. Cloistering has given me the space to redefine reimagine how I will engage in thirdself going forward. I will draw new lines and boundaries, and let go of the self-pressure to perform.
- Getting accustomed to secondself-only interactions. While I aspire to one day cease all interactions with people, that is not possible now. There are only two people I manifest in thirdself now; I have virtually demanifested all others except for employees. With these two individuals I manifest now, I am able to self-identify more accurately as the creator of my awakening, rather than another performer.
- Self-sufficiency. The more time I spend in thirdself constraint, the more I realize I do not want or need anything from a larger, inflated thirdself. I like the peace I find in this smaller space, isolated from the noise, people, and engagements of the larger thirdself. I have enough here to sustain me. I can do this the rest of my life. The rest of the parasite’s life.
- Complimentary secondself balance. My secondself has not by any means stopped, but with less thirdself distraction, my secondself has similarly reduced. I do not visualize what is beyond these walls. My secondself visualization of my thirdself is limited to the ongoings within my chamber. There is much less going on in my head. I have thoughts, but they don’t zip across the universe, titillating, exciting, or triggering emotions and other thoughts that take me away from my moment. They are very limited in range and depth. I am very present in my moment.
- Refinement of my temple. After this period of isolation and the refinement of my ideological construct of my awakening experience being that of being fed upon by the parasite, I can see the next stage in my temple design. I moved to the circular three chamber design some time back, but now I want the inside to feel like the hollowed cavity of the secondself parasite that feeds on firstself. To achieve that I will fashion my temple as a torus, rounding the corners where the floor meets the wall, and the wall meets the ceiling. It will be very dimly lit, and the walls, floors and ceilings will be handmade from the traditional dung-mud-hay mixture found in traditional Kumaoni homes in this region. In my awakenings I will know that my experience is that of being fed upon by a parasite.
- It feels right. I am calm. I do not experience much variation in my days.
The beauty of my isolation is that my days are stable, predictable, and mostly similar. I do not get excited or suffer mood swings. My thirdself remains stable throughout the day. And even my secondself is more constrained. When I ingest a piece of information I no longer reflect and react to it the way I once did. I used to endlessly reflect and self evaluate to the point of feeling insecure, inadequate, emotional, emboldened, inspired, or titillated in some way. I lived on a constant diet of desire, aspiration, self judgment, and dissatisfaction. In these ten days of self-isolation I have eliminated all those secondself features.
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