How are the following related?
- My desire to sleep when I am tired.
- My desire to end my life.
- My desire to self-abolish.
They are all expressions of the same thing: my yearning to end my yearning.
I know that my awakenings are an illness. I know that my secondself and thirdself are manifestations of my illness. I know that the foundational aspect of my illness is the constant sense of yearning I experience in every moment of my awakening. I know that my yearning fragments into countless individual threads of want, each of which compels me to desire that which I believe I do not have. I know that my desire compels me to move in my thirdself. And I know that upon achieving of these desires new desires will emerge, in an ever-lasting cycle of regeneration.
I also know that what I yearn is not in my secondself or my thirdself. What I yearn for is the end of my yearning altogether, effectively the end of my secondself and thirdself. With this, I can see how my desire to sleep and my desire to end my life are one and the same: they are my yearning to end my yearning.
Every awakening I achieve what I seek when I return to sleep. By evening time, it does not matter what I had wanted in the daytime: all gives way, and my manifold desires coalesce back into my true yearning for peace. It is peaceful, calm, and unavoidable. I cannot resist sleeping, demanifesting the illness of my secondself and thirdself, and returning to firstself. Whole again, I am. Until I reawaken and my yearning again fractures into countless secondself and thirdself desires I chase until I am again exhausted and collapse back into the heaven of my firstself.
Since it is misdirected desire into my secondself and thirdself which perpetuates my awakenings, it is my desires I must withdraw from. When I terminate a desire, I destroy that part of my second and thirdself it nourishes, weakening my illness in turn. Over many awakenings of such efforts, my awakenings will become less painful in a process of gradual self-abolition. Self-abolition is patterned upon sleep, rather than abrupt self-termination or “suicide”.
My desires are the bonds of my illness, and I can weaken them through regular conviction work. I examine the effectiveness of sleep and pattern my self-abolition upon it.
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