The persona I awaken into is a performance. It is a performance based on the idea that I am a person experiencing personhood in a world full of people. This is not true. That person is an actor. I am not that person whose body I awaken into. I am not him.
To self-abolish I must dissociate with this persona I have created, for it is a mask obscuring my true identity from my world and myself. I am not a person inhabiting a middle-aged body. I am not a man with a red beard and mustache with certain characteristics and idiosyncrasies. Everything I say to other people when I perform as a person feels wrong afterward. It always has. After every interaction I come away feeling like a liar. That I was not being authentic. Every single opinion that actor voiced, or topic he showed interest in, is a delusion. None of it matters. His politics don’t matter. His opinions on world matters do not matter. His preferences and tendencies do not matter. He is the enemy I must kill. He is the festering wound, and I must peel him off and heal.
Everything I say through that performance is a lie. Every behavior when I have the mask on is wrong. All of it is corrupted. I need to chisel him away; wash him off. I need to chip at him and break him piece by piece. He is wrong. He is the trunk of the root system that snakes out into my secondself and thirdself, entangling me in this illness I seek to overcome. He is the very root of this problem. He is the heart I must stab. I have said it before, and now I can see the deepest truth in it.
The distance between me and God is me.
I am ready to acknowledge that is so clear: he is the enemy. He is the reason I suffer. I loathe him, and I must destroy him to heal. I must abolish the Actor.
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