My illness hides behind familiarity and ignorance. A lifetime of awakenings obscures its true nature from me. I awaken into the familiarity of my thirdself surroundings, forgetting that my only purpose is to heal. Forgetting that I do not want to be here. Forgetting that I yearn for the peace of reunion. In forgetting, I redirect my yearning inward into my thirdself, where it cannot find what it seeks. Blind and lost, I wander around in circles looking for the thing I lost, when all along it has been right here.
All I want is peace; the end of my desire. Everything I awaken into and pursue, every thought I have, and every action I take, is a small step toward my essential desire for peace. I will return. I will find my peace that I lost. But that journey can be a thousand painful miles or ten pleasant miles. That is a choice I make, but I will return.
It is vital to unmask and expose my illness so I can confront it and choose the shorter path. But I must see it to make the right choices and find the shorter path. There is a simple way to see my illness in action; I can repeat it at any time to see how my illness is manifesting at a particular moment.
I close my eyes. I observe all the sensations; the thoughts that enter my mind, the urgencies that pull at me. The responsibilities I imagine, and the desires that play out as imaginary scenes in my head. All these forms and sensations are the many hands of my illness pulling at me. When my eyes are open they blend into the background and are difficult to see, but with my eyes closed, they have nowhere to hide and I can see them for what they are.
Eyes close, I know that all thoughts, sensations, and desires within my secondself are manifestations of my illness. They are all expressions of the smoldering desire that is the essence of my illness. Every thought and action is me reaching for release from the pain of desire. That release I seek can only be found in peace, which I can experience by closing my eyes. All my secondself distractions that seek to pull me away from the peace I seek are the expressions of my illness, and will only provide temporary relief, never permanent release. What draws me to open my eyes is what makes me ill.
The moment I can close my eyes and remain there is the moment I am. The moment I will have the release I seek. Until I reach that point, I will endure the pain of illness.
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