This will likely be a long, evolving post as I continuously revisit the process of saying goodbye to people who have been important to me in my awakening. I have tried this in various ways — a few years back I was calling it “my proclamation”. But I think it really just has to be more simple and human than that. It has to be heartfelt and thorough, but it also should attempt to connect with the people I love.
The other day I was speaking to my aunt about how I intend to live the rest of my life. She always wants to understand how things work and why people behave the way they do; her inquisitiveness and curiosity is one of the reasons she is so important to me. She tries to see people as they are, and I cherish that quality of hers. At first my explanation of isolation, seclusion, and an ascetic life in the mountains sequestered away from everyone was likely expected (I’ve been doing this for 20 years), but also perhaps a little jarring in the words I chose to use. Firstself, secondself, thirdself. Life is an illness. The second place is a parasite, etc. All of this was rubbing her the wrong way, for obvious reasons, so I tried to tie it into something she believes. When I stated that “I am not a person”, that did not help much, but when I called it “existential dysphoria”, that seemed to click with her, given her clinical background. The language worked. That is when the conversation began to shift for me, and after nearly two hours of discussion, I think we came away with an understanding.
All the while I was explaining this to her, trying to meet in the middle, I was aware that this work I was doing would be important for future conversations I would have with other loved ones. So I decided that I will capture some of the ways in which I try to share my decision with the people I love, knowing full well that they may not understand it, but we will both come away with a shared and mutual respect for the decision.
The desire
We are all searching for something. I can ask every single person what they want, desire, or are searching for. And they will all say something. One person may want a new car or house. Another may want a promotion so they can relax a little. Another may want to move to a nice location in their city. Another may be busy sacrificing their time now so they can have something else they want in the future.
If I were to take that first answer they gave me, and ask them then, “and after you get that, what will you want”, how would they respond. I can keep asking that question, and so long as the person remains with me and interested in our exchange, they are all going to arrive at the exact same place: peace. We all want peace. It is that moment when all our desires are satisfied and we want nothing else.
This is what I am looking for now. I have decided that I no longer want all the stuff between now and peace. I am ready for that peace we all want.
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The journey
We all woke up somewhere lost, naked, and uncertain who and where we are. If I ask anyone enough questions, I will reveal that they do not actually know either: who they are, or where they are. Now, if I woke up lost in a dark cold place, what would I want? I would want to go Home. Back to where I was at peace. Back to where I came from before I woke up here.
That desire to go back is real; it is the most real thing we have. We all share it. And though we may want things that look different right now, ultimately that chain of desires is all going to lead to the exact same place: peace.
We all wake up, wanting to go back Home to that peace. But we get distracted by this place. We see things here that catch our attention and distract us. And before long we are searching what what we want out here, in this place we know is not Home. This place we know will not satisfy what we desire. And we all begin a journey back Home to our peace. We all go in different directions to find it. We build friendships and relationships, get married, create families, build businesses and work for the peace we want but will not find out here.
Many of us learn to enjoy the small bits of experience we have out here, despite it not fully giving us what we seek. We come to call it our journey, and find strength and value in enduring the pain and savoring the moments of peace, tranquility and satisfaction we do find. However there will be those who do not
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The before and after
What is before the born child?
What is after the old man who dies?
What is before the awakening person?
What is after the asleepening person?
The answer to all of these is the same. I can call it God, heaven, peace, nirvana, or anything else. But they are all the same place, and it is a valid desire to be there.
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The decision to isolate
Why would anyone want to completely seal themselves off from the world?
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What does it mean to be existentially dysphoric?
How could you say you are not a person?
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In writing this way there are many things that do not match with my beliefs. For one, I know that I am not a person in the way that these people are. However for the purposes of saying goodbye, I think it is best to identify as the being with him they are in a relationship. That is this person I pretend to be. So I will need to adopt certain performances and language affectations I know are wrong, such as using the third person plural.