As I come into my transformation I feel a natural, unforced pull “backward” — away from Secondself and Thirdself engagement that only stretches the already taught skin of my awakening. I must trim the surface of my Secondself by thinking about that which is in my moment, not about matters and content which only exist in my imagination and over which I have no meaningful control. I must not think about Thirdself places where I am not, nor about Thirdself people who are not present in my moment.
When I discuss topics of global scope and size with people, I stretch and render my Secondself. I increase its size, and thus my own awakening moment. Remember, my awakening self is an open wound, and the larger I allow my Secondself and Thirdself to become, the more difficult it will be for me to close and heal it. To heal and withdraw, I must choke off both selves; my goal is to withdraw back to Firstself. I must literally reduce the size of my Secondself and Thirdself to make more room for my Firstself in my awakening. That is the nature of my healing.
How do I reduce the size of my Secondself and Thirdself? Thirdself is easy — I simply create a space where it is limited; where there is less light, sound, movement, change, and content. I create this space, and I sit within it and allow the world I create through movement fall away. Without objects to see, sound to distract, movement to engage, and change to consider, Thirdself is nullified. I can withdraw some portion of my awareness away from manifesting this content and direct it toward other parts of my awakening. This is my opportunity to focus on Secondself, which is now suddenly louder and more present than before when it had to share resources with a vibrant, colorful, and dynamic Secondself.
I reduce Secondself in the same way. With my Thirdself choked off, I can observe how my Secondself behaves. The way it constantly moves, shifts, focuses and re-focuses on matters and content that are not here. My Secondself is the playground of the imaginary; it is where I decide what is real and what is not. What is important and what is not. What is here and what is not. My Secondself is infinitely more powerful and prominent than my Thirdself in my awakening. It stretches in all directions, and I can visualize that more clearly as I sit in my darkened space where Thirdself is nullified.
As Secondself flares, boils, intrudes, and distorts, I must observe and strike only when I understand. Thoughts, fears, anxieties, desires, feelings, memories, aspirations — these are the manifestations of Secondself. This is how Secondself moves. I must first understand and accept that my goal is to heal, and these manifestations are an expression of my awakening wound. The wound, deprived of Thirdself, will manifest more deeply in Secondself. Thoughts, anxieties, and desires become more prominent and fervent. The only way to combat them is to know what they are: that they are the illness. Healing is ending them.
Conviction is the only way to heal. I must believe that my awakening is illness. That all my awakening desires are the pangs of this illness seeking to expand and consume me like a cancer. My only true desire is to not desire. With strengthening conviction, I will create my temple where Thirdself is silent so I may confront and heal my Secondself. With deeper conviction and a silent Thirdself, I can plant the seeds that will weaken and eventually destroy the Secondself roots that fuel my awakenings.
To heal, I must remember and believe that I do not want to be here. I do not want to awaken. My awakening is an illness, and my experience here a feverish sickness. I tolerate endless suffering and cling to moments of joy and pleasure because I have forgotten that I am ill. My awakening desires for relief are the agents of my illness; they keep me entangled and ill. They convince me that what I seek is just around the next corner. But no matter which corner I turn, I never find what I was seeking. This is how the illness consumes me. So I must remember that I do not want to awaken; that my very first desire is to remain in the place I am before I awaken here, and my very last desire is to return to that same place after my fever begins to break. Only if I believe this will I find the power to withdraw from Thirdself, and then withdraw from Secondself. Withdrawn, my awakenings will be joyous and peaceful experiences of Firstself until even that subsides and I am.
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