Remember what they are

I have built an awakening around them. I have diminished and constrained myself to gain their acceptance and approval, while elevating them as equals. I have condescended to be one of them, by being “normal”, fitting in. By acting as if this entire delusion I call life is real, persistent, and authentic.

But I am not one of them, I never have been, and I am not “here” with them. I have created every single character in my awakening no differently than I create the lunch I will eat. All are characters I have written to anchor myself to this illness I call life. Starting with my mother, and from her all others: all are stories I tell myself, and all are imaginary features of my illness. All “other people” are creations of mine. I am not one of them.

Only I am here. Here is all there is. Now is the only time there is. The sense that there is something else is the distorting affect of my illness. The characters and their judgment, condemnation, friendship, and desire are only as real and authentic as I believe. They are shapes floating around a poisonous cyst I awaken into every day. The pain, discomfort, unease, distraction, and pleasure they present are only as real as I decide; only have value if I choose so.

I must remember what they are. I am fixed here, now. Only. I can create them if I want them, or I can release them as I wish. But I am their creator; it is me who created them. They are shapes on the walls of my second- and thirdself, and present if I decide they are, absent otherwise. They do not “think” or “know” any more deeply than I imagine they do. They will reflect what I think, what I know. If I fear, they will reflect that fear to me. If I suspect, they will reflect that suspicion to me. If I value, they will reflect that value to me.

There remains one of importance, and he reflects the value I place on security and stability. He will remain until I have created that, and then he will fade away to a low background noise. All are shapely patterns reflecting my own self back to me. When I fear, they will too. When I believe, they will too. But I must remember what they are.

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