Not too long ago I was fixated on the dichotomy of relief and release, but how does this fit into my latest dichotomy of space and form?
In my awakening, I always desire. I awaken into desire, I say. I define relief and release in terms of my desire, and my actions in regards to it. Desire is a state of being ranging in intensity from the subtle to the urgent. It varies in motive from pleasure to pain, and in countless other nuanced dimensions. Despite the variety in quality of my desire, all share one feature: they either bring me transitory, impermanent relief from additional desire, or they bring me permanent release.
So if desire is the drive of my action, relief and release are the intention behind my action. An awakening spent in constant search of relief devolves into a painful and frustrating experience, for no matter what relief I do achieve, it is short-lived, slipping way like smoke from a clenched hand. It is when the pain of this cycle becomes too much to bear that I begin to realize that what I seek is not found in relief; what I seek is the end of my desire, not momentary relief from its various effects. Thus begins my journey for permanent and lasting release.
With the realization that I seek release, and not relief, I must determine how I will achieve such a transformation. With time, I discover that my entire awakening has been built around the pursuit of relief. Literally every facet of my daily rituals and beliefs are fashioned around the pursuit and achievement of temporary relief. I have designed my short-term goals and beliefs to achieve relief from short term discomforts and pains. And I have fashioned mid and long-term goals and beliefs to sustain real and imagined relief from pains in a distant future. My entire moment is a carefully-coordinated effort to maximize relief from the pain of my very existence.
Pivoting toward release and away from relief is where the concepts of “space” and “form” enter the picture. Space is the canvas in which everything exists; it is my highest self. Space is God. Space is the creator. Space is omniself. Space is infinite, peaceful, and is the release I seek. Space is free of desire, for space is everything. My true self is space. Form is a special kind of space that I experience in awakening. Form is space twisted, compressed, squeezed, crushed, and layered. Form is everything I define when I awaken. Form is my awareness. Form is my awakening. Where space is the creator, form is the creation. Where space is the canvas, form is the painting. Where space is the substance, form is the structure. There is nothing outside of or beyond these two substances.
Space is the complete absence of desire. Space is peace. Space is firstself. It is space where I awaken from, and space where I asleepen to. The moment in between my awakening and my asleepening is secondself and thirdself, a painful condition akin to illness. The underlying condition of my awakening state is desire, which I experience as a multitude of forms. Relief is the pursuit of what I desire through form; release is the pursuit of what I desire by letting go of form. By moving toward space.
What I truly desire is therefore space, the absence of form. This means that anything that does not return me there, to the peaceful space I desire, can only provide temporary relief. I want to not be here in this awakening. I want to not be trapped in the form. I want to not experience form of any sort. I want to dissolve back to pure space; to the infinitely-diluted self of space.
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