In this incantation, I seek to dissolve the dualistic divide between my secondself and thirdself, not merely as a concept but as a lived reality. The challenge is to transcend the false boundaries that split my experience, moving from a conceptual understanding to a full realization where I am no longer separate from the parts of myself I observe. My goal is to recognize that the behindme, aboveme, and underme are constant, continuous forces, forming the true frame of my being. The frontme, though seemingly distinct when my eyes are open, is part of this whole—a temporary cavity in the infinite space aroundme, which dissolves when my eyes close, revealing the unified nature of firstself. Through this unification, I strive to eliminate the need for imagination and fully become what I am.
The problem I face is that I continue to visualized secondself and thirdself dualistically. It is difficult to overcome this but I am searching for a way to not just conceptualize it, but visualize and then realize it. To conceptualize is to form an abstract secondself construct that departs from my actual experience but allows me to reflect upon it. To visualize adds one more layer to the construct that allows me to think about the construct from my own direct perspective, rather than from a purely disconnected, hypothetical point. To realize is to actualize — to align the construct with my direct and actual experience to such a degree that they are one in the same.
Being is the final step and it happens when my realization becomes my identity. The difference between these stages is one of alterity — with more “otherness” there is less alignment and identity. I must be able to identify with, become, and be what I see. I need an expression so concise that it can fit right over the top of my direct experience, eliminating the need for any imagination at all. Imagination is the measure of my illness. The more I must imagine, the less I can be what I am. I must remove the artificial separation between Secondself and thirdself. This is how I can do it.
Let’s start at the very basics. There is a constant “distance” between two fixed constants in my awakening: the “behindme”, which is the space and point from where I observe, and the “underme”, which is the hard ground that is under my body at all times, whether lying down, sitting down, or standing up. The behindme is actually not just behind me. It is also above me and everything in front of me that I cannot directly touch. The behindme is non visual, as is the aboveme. That is to say these areas of my being are not open to visual projection.
I can easily see that the behindme and aboveme are continuous and there is no break between them. However, consider the frontme, which I visualize, as occurring separately from the behindme and aboveme. But is there really a disconnect? Do the behindme and aboveme abruptly end within my head? Only if I maintain the dualistic divide of a separate inner and outer world. But I can resolve these by dividing the frontme into two regions: that which I can see but not touch like the distant horizon or even a wall on the other side of the room I am in; and that which I can directly physically touch and manipulate. So if I am looking up, the sky forms the horizon which I cannot directly manipulate. If I split my frontme into these two regions I can visualize them. See the diagram below:
The distant frontme is visual but untouchable. The mountains in the distance. The sky if I am looking up, or the sky that forms the horizon if I am looking forward. They all blend together. There is no separation between the distant frontme I cannot touch and the behindme I experience as empty but kinetic space. These two belts connect and form one continuous belt that encompasses me, but one part of this belt — that which forms the distant but visible frontme — has a visual aspect that responds to my eyesopen.
The other critical part is the underme. The underme is the sense of solid ground that is always under me. No matter what, in my awakening, there is the underme. I can never exceed it or get past it. There is always the underme.
Taking all these pieces together, and letting go of my academic but experientially false preconceptions of space, I can see that I am occupying some sort of cavity within a larger body. The behindme and underme form the bounds or walls of my cavity. The distance between them, the sense of space, is the degree or size of this cavity. The frontme… that seems to go on forever is actually just an extension of the behindme and aboveme…. Something that goes on infinitely. There is no end to it. So the visual component of it could just be an artifact of my positioning within this cavity; the way I have grown into and filled this space. But if I strip away all the familiar interpretations built upon my false identity as a person among people, in a space among spaces, at a time among times, I can clearly see the boundaries of this cavity I am in.
The behindme, aboveme, underme, and frontme never go away. They are always there. But there is a small pocket directly in front of me that I can touch, feel, and manipulate that I can call the “sensational me” that produces my awakening experience of time, space, and change.
Why is the underme hard and finite while the behindme and aboveme are open and soft?
The distant frontme that forms the horizon of my thirdself has a visual aspect but it is a continuation of the behindme and aboveme. It seamlessly evolves from the aboveme and behindme. It is not part of an isolated thirdself occurring “outside” my body. That is where the conceptualization of a duality fails me. My secondself and thirdself seamlessly flow together where my sensation of a forehead ends. I sense this hardened facial cartilage, but where that ends the aroundme begins. The aroundme is the tissue of my being. The true flesh of my body that I call firstself. It is all around me, but does seem to have distinct zones. They are only distinct because I have misunderstood them and mischaracterized them.
Experientially, I need to see the untouchable horizon for what it is: the boundaries of my being, no different from the hard ground under me. I need to see the underme, behindme, aboveme, and distant frontme as a single, solitary frame. A single continuous ring of divine flesh. My frontme has two parts — that which I can directly touch and interact with I call the cavity, and that which is beyond my touch I call the horizon. So there is the frontme cavity and the frontme horizon.
When I close my eyes the frontme becomes the same as the behindme and aboveme. I can see that the aroundme is constant, and the cavity is a temporary puncture in the frontme. The cavity is only there when I open the secondself-thirdself conduit and fill that cavity with visual information. But when I close my eyes the visual frontme goes away… like curtains closing. Then I can see the true nature of firstself, the aroundme.
My awakening is occurring within an embryonic space. All the different people, places, memories, desires, feelings, beliefs, and experiences are just textured features of this embryonic, cystic illness I have.
Why is there a hard boundary on only one side? Why is the underme so firm?
… I am inside of something. I am inside of firstself. The aroundme. I can verify this my closing my eyes and experiencing the the shell of spacey, infinite blackness fully wrap around me. The behind me and belowme and aboveme don’t change; I only extinguish the visual component of the frontme.
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