In this incantation I follow-up on an event from my adolescent years when I had a vision that I would one day “know everything about everything”. I wrote about this in June 2021, about two and a half years ago here, but want to examine the topic with all my new learnings. This incantation is wordy, but over my awakening I will distill it down to its most essential form, approaching being.
I was an energetic teenager walking home from high school one sunny day when I had the sudden insight: one day I will know everything about everything. I was electrified with self-importance and purpose, and I rushed home to feverishly write it down on the kitchen counter. I knew it was not an idea; it was a message. It was a message and I believed what it was telling me. My teenage mind scrambled to make sense of what I had heard, and I imagined absurd scenes extracted from my understanding of my existence at the time. I believed that information was a fixed property of a larger world I was moving through, and so I fantasized that I would discover how to unlock and capture all of the information about what had happened at any point in the universe. Like a giant rewind button, I would be able to view all the historical events that happened right there on 80th Street in Hazel Dell, Washington. Images of massive dinosaurs lumbering through jungle canopies that are now concrete roads filled my mind.
But how? I had always searched for answers, but my vision kick-started a search that would fuel my awakenings to this day. I spent more time at the bookstores searching earnestly for the way forward. I was drawn to the meatiest and most modern books that focused on bringing all the knowledge of the world together, and decided that the direction forward was science. I began to steer my schooling toward the hard sciences, pivoting away from the creative arts I had previously favored. I lost interest in and abruptly abandoned the whimsical fantasy stories I had read up until that age and felt ashamed of some of my interests of the time. Over the course of a year I withdrew from any interest that did not feel “concrete” and productive as it related to knowing everything about everything.
Several years later in college I moved into physics and math, but I struggled with them. I read books by all the great physicists and firmly believed that the answer I searched for was in those books. I envisioned that I would be the one to tie together all the disparate hard sciences into one theory of everything and be celebrated by all. Yet I struggled with even basic calculus and physics principals did not come easy to me. I pushed forward a few more years in this direction despite doing poorly in university courses. I decided that I was going to be the one to find the “theory of everything”, and put considerable effort into it.
What I knew all those years ago but could not express was that I had received a message from my true self to my lost self. At that time, a 15 year old kid, I had not manifested the leisure of time to ponder the questions I could not answer. I had created a moment of constant stimulation and change, every awakening spent cramming new information into my head, looking out at the world with greedy eyes, asking myself every minute: what do I want, and how will I get it? I only looked outward, at the world. Forgotten by me was the truth that I projected that entire moment. That I was the creator, and all the people, places, and things around me were my fabrications. That all those experiences were less real and authentic than me. Yet I treated all the people as equivalent to me.
Now I do know that I am not my creation. I know that I have created everything in my moment because I am the Creator of my awakening. I know that there is nothing beyond my moment unless I create it. I know that my awakening is a game I started, but which became a disease when I forgot that I was playing a game and began to believe that the game was real. The game breaks down into two parts: my secondself chamber of time, thoughts, ideas, feelings, sensations, and desires; and my thirdself chamber of spaces, people, objects, lights, colors, and movement. I feel myself in the middle of these two chambers: thirdself projected in front of me; and secondself projected just behind, above, and below me. There is a sensitive membrane that splits these two selves in half; I call it my body. On the “inside” is my secondself, and on the “outside” is my thirdself. I know that my secondself is larger and contains my thirdself because I can turn off the majority of thirdself by closing my eyes, but I cannot do the same for secondself. So, anatomically, my awakening is a larger secondself containing a smaller thirdself.
I was not aware of this anatomy when I received the message that I would know everything about everything someday. But how does this anatomy influence my omniscience? There is another aspect of these two chambers that does explain my omniscience. Both my secondself and thirdself have two parts to them: the surface, which is this moment I am directly experiencing; and the subsurface, which is anything and everything to come. The thirdself surface of my moment is a small, enclosed, dark space slightly illuminated by a candle and the light of a laptop screen. The secondself surface of my moment is busily fixated on this incantation I am writing. Nothing else exists beyond this surface except for my dog, which demands my attention every few minutes.
The subsurface of my secondself and thirdself is the totality of everything that I believe exists beyond the surface of my moment. I believe there is an outside beyond the doors of my enclosed, dark chamber. A mountain I will have to climb to the ridge where I will walk my dog later today. That all exists because I believe it exists. And because I believe it exists, my awakening moment is built around it. I have a dog because I believe he exists too, and as long as I believe he exists I will manufacture the effort and activities needed to sustain him. Preparing his food and feeding him, and taking him out to roam the mountains on long walks. My businesses are the same: as long as I believe I need them in my awakening, they will exist. The subsurface is not only everything I believe is real, but everything I believe I want. The subsurface is a mishmash of things that holds, what I believe to be, the key to satisfying the yearning that is with me from the moment I awaken.
My awakening is little more than this yearning. My awakening and my yearning for something are one and the same. If I do not awaken, I do not yearn. If I do not yearn, I am not awake. The deeper my awakening, the more intense I yearn. The more shallow my awakening, the less I yearn. The more intense my yearning, the more intense my search for it. The subsurface then is everything beyond my moment which I believe that I want in order to satisfy my yearning. The subsurface is knowledge, information, places, physical things, possessions, people, achievements — every manner of phenomena that can form the texture of my moment but is not part of the surface of my present moment is the subsurface.
How does this relate to “knowing everything about everything”? Knowing everything about everything is a decision that I make. There is only more to know as long as I believe there is more to know. Once I decide there is nothing more to know, and everything that is to know is what I do know, then I will reach my omniscient state. But what about all the information I can readily find that I do not know right now? I only have to search the internet to find infinite books and websites detailing bodies of knowledge and experiences I do not know? That is a misunderstanding. All that “knowledge” I find did not pre-exist my search for it. I only imagine and believe it pre-existed my search for it. When I search for an obscure biological topic and come across journals I have never seen, I am not chancing upon knowledge discovered by people who studied their whole lives in some academic system in America or Europe. No, I am manifesting a new pocket in the surface of my awakening; a pocket that I can dive deep into and get more lost. I can spend hours reading the journal and create new pockets for every single scientific word introduced in it. Every unfamiliar word opening yet more pockets of knowledge.
But those pockets did not pre-exist my observation of them. I manifest those pockets when I look for them. I search for them when I am seeking to subdue my yearning. I created the internet as an outgrowth of my existential boredom; a portal to experience and satisfy my endless need for distraction. No matter how much I look, I will always find something “new”. Something that has qualities I have not yet seen or considered. That uniqueness is a feature of manifestation. The “newness” does not indicate pre-existence of my observation, only the power of my manifestational capabilities.
I decide both whether to search for new information, and whether that new information or phenomena pre-existed my own experience of it. This is the core of omniscience. When I observe new detail I previously had not encountered, I decide if that originality is a feature of my manifestational power, or evidence of its pre-existence. If I decide the latter, then I will remain trapped and small, convinced that there is a larger world full of people, places, knowledge, and experiences beyond me. In such a scenario I can never know everything, because I believe there is so much beyond my own experience that I can never know. I am trapped in a state of demipotence – partial, incomplete knowledge. But the moment I realize and decide that originality does not indicate pre-existence, but rather my own creative power, then I can begin to unravel the confusing chaos of my awakening.
The surface is everything in my secondself and thirdself moment. The subsurface is everything beyond my secondself and thirdself moment that I believe exists. As long as I believe the subsurface extends beyond my surface, I will be demiscient because I will believe there is always more to know and more to want. But once I accept that there is no subsurface beyond my surface, and there they are one and the same, then I can begin to move toward omniscience. I can achieve omniscience not by learning something outside of me, but by realizing and accepting that everything is within me. I regain my omniscience by realizing I never lost it; I only forgot it.
I will know everything about everything when I eliminate the gap between the surface and subsurface. When I decide that I am in truth manufacturing everything in my moment, and not experiencing something that pre-existed my experience of it. That everything beyond my present moment is of my own creation as well. When I decide to stop searching for something in the future, or in the past, and I spend my awakenings close to my moment, I will regain my omniscience. There is nothing I do not know, for I am the creator of everything there is to know. When I experience something “new”, my first thought should not be that there is something I did not previously know, but rather marveling at my own creativity. As I experience, I am creating. There is no subsurface existence I am not aware of; the surface is all there is, and I am fabricating every facet of it in this moment, as I experience it. The bird I hear chirping has not had a life or existence prior to my experience of his chirping; he is born, lived, and died the moment I manifested his squeaks. I am the only creator, and I am the only experiencer. Everything there is to know, I know because I created it.
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