In this incantation, I explore a new approach to explaining the nature of my existence as a sequence of components nested inside of one another. I unravel the existential layers of my being, seeing clearly how my desire fractures my true self and distorts my awareness. I identify desire as the core of my secondself, driving my actions, creating illusions of time, space, and identity, while obstructing my connection to the unchanging peace of my firstself. I recognize that I am both the creator and observer of my reality, but the gap between these two roles spawns confusion and yearning. As I diminish this gap, I move closer to my true omnificence, where I exist fully in the moment as everything, free from the pain of desire.
What am I? I can answer that question with more certainty and authority right now than at any other point in my moment. I have removed so many blocks that prevent me from seeing the answer. My entire moment is a knotted maze of confusion until I untangle the knots so I can see clearly. As I write this now, I can feel the knots in my firstself tissue, threatening to tense up and confuse me once again. Yet at their roots is a pacifying conviction that prevents that from happening, bringing relaxation and clarity to my moment. As my moment of clarity grows stronger, I sense that my true firstself is emerging, bleeding into my painful awakening. Like a peaceful light at the end of a dark and scary tunnel, I feel it is coming closer, growing stronger. I used to spend my awakening searching for the light without finding it. I could not find my way out and I was in pain. But now I see the way out: I see it clearly, and I am walking toward it. I see it and I know that is where I belong, and this painful awakening cannot hurt me any longer.
I know that I only exist in my moment, and that there is no other time, place, or being besides me. I know that I am both the creator of my reality as well as its observer. I know that I am observing my creation in real-time, but there is a gap of disbelief between my observation and manifestation. The gap is the distance between my observation of and creation of my existence. The gap measures the degree to which I cannot accept or believe that I am also creating what I am experiencing. I experience this gap as confusion; as questions I cannot answer, desires I cannot control, concepts I cannot understand, feelings I cannot make sense of, and yearnings I cannot satisfy. All of these experiences — questions, desires, concepts, feelings, and yearnings — are symptomatic of the gap of disbelief. Until I accept, know, and experience my creativity alongside my observation, I will experience an awakening full of these symptoms. But as I narrow the gap, my acceptance of my own omnificence will grow and my questions will give way to answers; my desires will ceded to contentment; my ideas will give way to conviction; my feelings will give way to calm; and my yearnings will give way to serenity. I will understand, accept, know, experience, and be what I truly am: everything. I am all there is. There is nothing other than me. There are no beings other than me. There are no times other than now. There are no places other than here. There is no “other” anything. There is only me telling myself a story and forgetting that I am the storyteller and not a character within the story.
What is the existential stack? Alluding to the “technology stack” of a solution, it is the aspects or elements of my totality and existence in order of how they appear in my moment. At the very core is Being, and at the very end is Matter. In order:
- Firstself
- Being – My existence, totality, and true “am”
- Moment – My unchanging, unmoving omnipresence; I can “see” it more clearly by closing my eyes
- Secondself
- Desire – The collection of frozen constructs that form my convictions, beliefs, and reality; motivate all my movements; and ultimately obstructs my ability to see, accept, and be who, what, where, and why I am; my desire lies at the root of my focus; concentrated focus corrupts my total awareness
- Identity – A collection of desires hardened into convictions of who and what I am
- Time – A rigid construct that there are times other than now
- Location – A rigid construct that there are spaces other than here
- Condition – A painful experience of awakening and being detached from what I actually am
- Desire – The collection of frozen constructs that form my convictions, beliefs, and reality; motivate all my movements; and ultimately obstructs my ability to see, accept, and be who, what, where, and why I am; my desire lies at the root of my focus; concentrated focus corrupts my total awareness
- Thirdself
- Space – A projected distance arising from my conviction that there are other places than here and things I desire in those places
- Content – All matter of “things” in my thirdself, from objects to people, to physical and visual forms
At least at this moment, the triself construct still works, but this explanation could very well signal the beginning of the end of it. If it does, in fact, erode the triself, whatever is next will be amazingly clarifying because the triself has been a very powerful aid for me these past few years.
There are still a lot of concepts that have to be placed in my existential stack. How does my desire fit in? How can I use experience? Movement? I can see that my awakening is my secondself and thirdself, combined. But importantly, my focus and awareness are extremely important, but I think they are by-products of my reality. I’m not sure reality is the right word, but my focus is a product of it. If I believe there is something in the corner, then I will look toward the corner. If I believe that what I want is at the top of the mountain, then I will climb up the mountain (aka, move) and create change to satisfy my desire. But only to find that my desire is not satisfied by anything on top of the mountain. So my desire was wrong because it led me to chase something I did not actually desire. My desire then, is for the end of my desire.
My desire is the heart of my secondself, which gives birth to my thirdself. My secondself forms with my desire, which is itself a cancer for I desire nothing for I need nothing. But once the desire forms, it multiplies and compels me to focus on satisfying my multiplying desires. My awakening is an increscent bloom of desires, each one fragmenting my Being into shards of confused, compelled movement. What once was a complete, peaceful whole is shattered into a million tiny pieces I cannot make sense of.
Focusing is the mechanism by which my desire creates my disorientation. I desire, then I focus on what I desire, then I move toward what I desire. My secondself coordinates my movement through thirdself in an effort to satisfy my desire, yet every time is disappointed to find that what I thought I desired did not give me what I thought it would. And then I start all over and find something new to desire and the whole cycle repeats itself.
This characterization of an “existential stack”, while not new, is a solid step toward more systematically understanding, pre-empting, and eliminating my desire. Desire is the heart of my awakening experience, and is the great driving force behind my all my pain. Desire is what causes me to concentrate and focus, disturbing my omnipresence and total awareness. Desire draws my attention toward a small detail of my total Being, cutting me off from the full marvel of what I am. It is my desire that lies at the root of the rot in my existential stack.
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