Am I the creator? Or am I character created by the creator? I only have to examine my awakening moment as it is and the answer to that is clear: I am the creator.
The biggest stumbling block to accepting my own godhood is the question: if I am God, then why can’t I do this or that, or explain such and such a phenomenon?
Remember: Firstself I projects secondself I out into thirdself I.
Doing “this or that” and explaining “such and such” as a means of proving my godhood are desires and actions of secondself I. Firstself I (1si) has no interest in doing or explaining any of this. Secondself I (2si) is first the experience of desire, and then the subsequent movement to achieve that desire, which generates Thirdself I (3si). My secondself desire is the creative force underpinning everything in secondself and thirdself. As long as 2si seeks relief as opposed to release, I will experience a secondself and thirdself separation from firstself and I will awaken painfully with the mistaken identity of a person full of desire within a world of otherness.
The imbalance occurs at the moment of awakening, when I stop being enough. I experience a detachment from myself, and a confused desire gestates into what I experience as my secondself being. This desire seeks constant satiation, and in that process creates additional structures and formations that give depth and complexity to secondself and then thirdself. Every feature of both secondself and thirdself arise through this mechanism of desire and creativity, including every thought, feeling, and unseen bodily sensation, and the corresponding thirdself visible features I experience. In my continuous effort to satiate my secondself I, I create ever more complicated secondself and thirdself structures.
I create secondself and thirdself shelters where I can reduce the pain of the separation. But this is just hiding and distraction unless I am confronting my essential nature as firstself. Firstself wants nothing and therefore does not need to create anything. It is secondself I that wants. But it will continue to grow like a cancer as long as it seeks reprieve in itself; in secondself and thirdself. It is only in firstself that I can stop the growth of desire, for it is only in firstself that I can gain release.
I create everything from the desire of my secondself I. Secondself I creates because it seeks the end of the pain of desire. My desire is to end my desire. I cannot end that desire by acquiring or achieving anything in my awakening. I can only find temporary relief from desire in my awakening. To achieve permanent release from my desire I must end my creativity and end awakenings.
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