If I truly am the creator of this entire awakening experience, and I truly desire to not desire and escape, then I must commit to it. I am not committing. I am dancing around the edges. I can feel myself starting and stopping. I make some progress, then regress. I repeated this with every week that passes me by.
It is not coincidence that I am questioning my commitment now. A major change to my awakening circumstances is upon me. I must leave the place I call home in five days, and the two people I love most. Instead of dreading this, I have chosen instead to embrace it for it will bring me closer to where I seek to be. There is uncertainty around whether I will be allowed to re-enter, so instead of clinging, I have accepted that the rest of my awakenings might not include this particular place.
What does it mean to commit to being the creator? Is that what “Iamism” means? Is that the definition of the word I coined months back with only a vague definition of its meaning? Is Iamism the state of executing myself in my awakening as if I am the only being, and all aspects of my awakening experience are projections from the origin, which is me? Yes, I think that is what Iamism is.
I am. That is all I know. That is the most potent knowledge I possess. I am. It is the very kernel of my entire experience. The further a thought, feeling, sensation, object, or place orbits from “I am”, the less potent it is. I am is always here, always present. Even my loved ones are not; they are distant, intermittent. Irregular. I manifest them upon will and concede the illusion that they have their own will.
How must I conduct myself going forward? How does the Iamist live? The Iamist knows who he is. I know who I am. I am the center of this entire awakening. I am not just a singular unspectacular individual among billions of others. No, I am the projector of it all. All these beings exist, live, suffer, and endure because I awaken here. As long as I continue to project all of this, the depictions of suffering and agony will persist. I have created everything here.
Why is there suffering? Because God has forgotten who he is and has allowed this place to continue longer than it should. God is the reason for all the suffering and pain, and until I acknowledge who I am, it will continue. As the Iamist, I will conduct myself as I am. As the creator of all this. I must withdraw from the subsurface, for that is where I get entangled, and slowly change the surface from a place of pain and suffering to a place of peace and tranquility. That is how I must conduct myself.
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