If I were to wake up somewhere without knowing where I was, in a state of confusion and pain, what would I do? I would escape back to where I came from, where I was not in pain.
This is my condition, and the singular source of everything I experience in my moment is my yearning to not be in this condition. My condition of being somewhere I do not want to be exists in contrast to the condition of being somewhere I do want to be. And for the purposes of this incantation, that place is Home, where I came from, where I do know where I am, and where I do not experience any pain because I do not want anything.
The fundamental feature of my condition is that I awaken into desire. In my awakening moment, I desire. I spend most of my moment ignoring the ultimate source of my desire and focus instead on tending to and satisfying its endless manifestations: pleasure, relief, distraction, entertainment, goals, aspiration, achievement. Always transitory, they manifest physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, professionally, and more. I coordinate my every breath, step, and action to temporarily achieve some relief from the pain of my desire, ignorant of their ultimate source.
My desire forms the very center of my awakening, and explodes into the countless forms that drive my awakening experience. My condition is that I awaken and desire. More precisely: I desire and therefore awaken. My entire awakening is devoted to the management of these competing desires that proliferate like bacteria into my life experience.
My awakening is the sum total of my desire. They are one and the same. What I experience as waking up, my existence, and life, is merely an expression of desire. Every single secondself and thirdself construct is a blossom on the tree of desire. Every feature, thing, person, and place is a manifestation of my desire. My awakening is the collection of all my desires experienced as a moment, and my asleepening is when I collapse in exhaustion from battling them.
What resides at the core of my desire? What creates my desire? What ends my desire? What do I actually desire? How do I overcome my desire, and thus my state of awakening? I actually desire only one thing: to not desire anymore. To not be a being that desires. To overcome my condition of desiring. To end my awakenings into desire, for my awakening into desire is being unable to breathe. It is me holding my ethereal divine breath, choking and suffocating until I can no longer and I collapse to asleepening where I can catch my breath again and circle back and do it all over again. My asleepening is when I pull myself out of the waters of awakening and back to the dry land of Home, where I am who I am, in peace, without desire.
Awakening is me jumping into poisonous waters, and the pain I experience as desire is my yearning to escape. There is nothing in the poisoned waters of awakening which can cure my yearning; it can only extend my pain. To end my pain, I must end my awakenings.
I awaken into desire.
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