In this incantation, I recognize my addiction to waking as the first step in a relentless cycle of desire, action, and unfulfillment. My search for what I lack—through business, success, and outward achievements—only reinforces the illusion of time and space I project around me. The true fulfillment I seek is not in these external dimensions but in the “premoment” before my awakening, where I am whole. To break free, I must turn away from my attachments and embrace the space behind me, where my true self resides in stillness and completeness.
Opening my eyes is my first addiction, no different from lighting a cigarette or indulging in any other vice. Every aspect of my awakening is driven by this fundamental pattern: a desire arises, leading to an impulse to act, the action itself, then the frustration of my action failing to satisfy my desire. My actions never truly satisfy the original desire.
This is significant because it reveals the underlying pattern that shapes my experience:
- I feel a yearning, a desire for something I lack.
- I identify what I think will fulfill that desire and pursue it.
- I achieve or obtain it, but it fails to satisfy my longing.
- I then search for something else to quell my yearning.
This cycle permeates every part of my awakening, beginning with the simple act of opening my eyes. Why do I continue to open my eyes and awaken, even when I know what I seek is not here? Because I still cling to the belief that what I want is here, and I just haven’t achieved or possessed or experienced it yet. I have a business I must build, and I must succeed in it so I can shower gifts upon those people I love.
Time, space, and all of their artifacts are manifestations of my awakening illness; they emanate outward from my presence. I emanate them because I am confused; I am searching in time and space for something I yearn for, seek, desire, want above all else. But what I seek is not within these projected dimensions. The longing I seek to satisfy cannot be met in my awakening. My moment doest not contain the object I seek. I can only find what I look for in my premoment; in that point before my moment where I am everything. I cannot see it, but I know it’s there. I only have to accept that there is an alternative to all the pain, movement, chaos, and suffering of my awakening moment, and it never left me. It never can leave me. It has always been here, the entire time. That space behind me: that is who I am and that is all I want. Those parts of me that are attached to what I see in front of me must be loosened and. I must stop looking. I must spend more time in the dark. I must let go of everything in front of me and turn around and embrace myself.
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(9/8/2) A summary:
- Opening my eyes is my first addiction, like any other vice. Every time I awaken, I follow the same pattern: desire, action, failure to satisfy.
- I constantly yearn for something I lack, pursue it, but never find true fulfillment.
- This cycle of dissatisfaction begins with the simple act of waking up, driven by the belief that what I seek is here, even though I know it’s not.
- I cling to the idea that success in my business and showering loved ones with gifts will fulfill me.
- Time and space are illusions I project due to my confusion and longing. I’m searching in these dimensions for something that cannot be found there.
- The true fulfillment I seek is in the “premoment,” before my awakening, where I am whole and complete.
- I must stop looking outside myself for answers, let go of my attachments to the world I see, and embrace the darkness behind me, where my true self resides.