This is a continuation of Conversations with an ascentist.
… April 2, 2022
Uniselfist – What is the nature of existence?
Triselfist – Existence is whatever I decide it is. If I decide that it is mystical and arcane, and I will never understand it until I die, then that is exactly what it is.
I have decided that I know exactly what the nature of my existence is. I am all there is, but cannot comprehend this because I also believe all these other beings, things, and places that are not me exist. This is the basis of my disorientation, and my recovery is a matter of reconstructing my fractured self-understanding.
Uniselfist – So then, the nature of existence is that it is an illness?
Triselfist – Not “an illness”, my illness. The nature of my existence is most aptly described as an illness I seek to recover from.
Uniselfist – What about my existence?
Triselfist – You are just a transitory form. After this interaction, you will go away.
Uniselfist – Well, not really. I still exist.
Triselfist – As a thought, I may again manifest. But no, you do not.
Uniselfist – How am I supposed to react to that? I assure you that I exist independently of you. How do I convince you of this?
Triselfist – You do not convince me. That was the first delusion: I believed that you and I are categorically the same. We manifestly are not the same; you are a shape in my outer third self, and I am the origin of this entire experience.
Uniselfist – And who is deluding you?
Triselfist – There’s only me.
Uniselfist – Why are you deluding yourself?
Triselfist – There is no answer to that question. Asking why and reasoning are also part of my delusion. The fact is, I am ill, and no amount of reasoning will change that. Reasoning is non-essential, and can only serve to deter me from what I know.
Uniselfist – But can’t reasoning also reinforce what you do know? Or reveal something you do not?
Triselfist – There is a form of experiential knowing that precedes intellectual knowing. I know who I am because I can experience it. I sense it at the deepest level. Intellectual knowledge derived from reasoning is inferior to experiential knowing, and therefore cannot help on this matter; it is a blunt instrument that cannot maneuver in the tiny cavities of truth that exist at this level.
Uniselfist – So summarize again the nature of existence?
Triselfist – Existence is my persistent delusion that I am not everything; that there are things that are not me.
… April 3, 2022
Uniselfist – If you are everything, then what am I?
Triselfist – You are an interactive form in my third self.
Uniselfist – And what is your third self?
Triselfist – My third self is the layer in my awakening in which I experience outward forms, movement, and change. And you are a part of that layer of my awakening.
Uniselfist – So you mean the outside world?
Triselfist – I can call it that. Everything I perceive from my physical body outward to the mountains in the distance.
Uniselfist – How can you say that is you?
Triselfist – Easily: by saying it. This is repossession and an important part of the selfist model of healing and recovery.
Uniselfist – But there are a lot of lands, people, properties, and other things between you and the mountains in the distance which you do not own. How can you say that is part of your so-called “third self”?
Triselfist – The level of possession you are referring to is the lowest level – the uniselfist level. Possession at this level is a set of agreements within the emanation, coupled with desire and value.
Possession at the triselfist level is entirely different. While I recognize experiential differences between my three layers of existence — my first, second, and third selves — I recognize that they are, in fact, my existence because I yield the ultimate control over them: whether or not to manifest them.
Of course, at a practical level, I acknowledge any uniselfist ownership I emanate. I will not, for example, enter a home that is not my own in the uniselfist sense. But I also will not want to.
… April 9, 2022
Uniselfist – What does this mean, “I am existence”.
Triselfist – This is a literal expression that means exactly what it states: I am existence.
I am all there is. I am everything. It all originates within and around me. The entirety of this existence is my three selves: my second self is the tunnel that narrows, excludes, shapes, and extrudes my first self into my third self and innermost cavity, a theater of performances.
Existence is an inward emanation I experience as three distinct selves. I most acutely experience my second and third selves upon awakening because I believe I am my second self, but not my third self, and I disregard my first self altogether. I believe that I am traveling within a larger world that is not me.
This is a very persistent illusion. But once I awaken to my first self, and draw that out to its logical and experiential conclusion, the illusion begins to crumble.
Uniselfist – And how do you do that?
Triselfist – I have tried many things. But it wasn’t until I began to seize on these constants that I was able to
For example, I once looked at all of the things I desired. But I inverted my approach and looked instead at my constant state of desire, not the many objects of it. That I desire always, is interesting. That is the constant of desire.
Another foundational constant is that, until I rediscovered my first self, I had no idea where I was. I could rehearse things I had been told, but I could never directly experience this supposed “location”. But once I found my first self, I realized that I never moved — never. Whether I was in India or America, or my house or the forest, my first self never moved. Another constant.
Now is also a constant. It is always now. And at this moment, it is my imagination that creates the idea of a past and future. But I never leave now. Which nicely ties back into the constant of my first self.
The fact that I did not know where I was before the rediscovery of my first self also was an important constant. I’m always now, and I can either exist in a state of ignorance, or of omniscience. I either know everything, or I know nothing. That is a decision I make at this moment. Another constant.
And they keep going. There are many of these constants that clearly and powerfully lead me out of delusion. This uniselfist perspective that I am a single person among billions, past, present, and future, on a rock within a universe of unknown proportions, becomes increasingly absurd with every rediscovery of these constants.
So I had to articulate a framework to find my way back to who, what, where, and why I am. The framework is laughably complex at times because my delusions were complex. But as I work my back to who I am, I can simplify it. Small, simple phrases hide tremendous meaning that I could not comprehend even a few years ago. But I’ve done the work to retrace my steps, and so now I can see the meaning more quickly.
Uniselfist – You are now calling this framework the Selfist Model, correct?
Triselfist – Yes, that is what I am calling it now. But it has gone through many re-brandings, with every new name an attempt at ever-greater clarity.
Uniselfist – And what is the fundamental premise of the Selfist Model?
Triselfist – That I am existence. And this is how.
… April 12, 2022
Uniselfist – Why have you chosen to use the words “incantation” and “summoning”? They bring to mind witchcraft, demons, necromancy, and the sort. Basically devil worship.
Triselfist – Yes, that is no coincidence. These are some of the deepest characterizations I have.
Uniselfist – What do you mean by “deepest”. Don’t you mean earliest?
Triselfist – Yes, I can say “early”, but that is entangled with time, which defies the constant of now. There is only now, so when I used time-based language my thoughts follow, and it becomes very difficult to separate time as a concept. So to achieve existential alignment, I must recognize and anchor to the constants. Clearing out time-based language is one of the ways I do that.
Uniselfist – Okay, I understand that. And what did you mean by “characterizations”? What is the significance of these?
Triselfist – These characterizations are like gatekeepers of my illness; they are designed to distract, redirect, and dissuade. They stigmatize two of my important tools for fighting and overcoming my illness: words that concisely express my true power. By “incanting”, I can come to my first self; that is why I have spent my entire life trying so hard to say something. Something I knew was important beyond all measure.
And by “summoning”, I understand and solidify my role in my awakening. I am the author. I am the summoner. I am the creator of all this. I manifest it all, which I experience as emanation. I summon all the shapes and forms of my third self; all the people and relationships, the “world events”. They do not summon me. I summon them. All of them. It is I who “wakes up” every day into this place.
When I use these two words, and all that will come after and which more precisely explain and reinforce who I am, I return. I recover. I heal. I become. I retake ownership of my awakenings.
Uniselfist – What about the relationships and situations you manifest in which you do not have control.
Triselfist – These are the vestiges of my illness. These are all the people, organizations, and events that do not recognize who I am. At this point, they are more than vestigial; a substantial amount of my awakening is controlled by my third and second selves, rather than my first. But they are diminishing every day. Every time I incant and summon, I reduce their power. I reduce my ascent.
… April 15, 2022
Uniselfist – Explain this concept of the “cyst”.
Triselfist – My awakenings, which are my life, which are existence, are and is an illness. I have been saying that for some time now. But more graphically, and to better illustrate my awakenings as an illness, I have started referring to them as a cyst because they form the shape of a cyst. My second and thirdself are painful, fluid-filled cavities within my being.
… April 20, 2022
Uniselfist – Who are you and what are you doing?
Triselfist – I am existence, and I am trying to return to who I am.
Uniselfist – So you are existence, and you are trying to return to being existence. Correct?
Triselfist – Yes.
Uniselfist – Why aren’t you existence right now?
Triselfist – I am, but I am ill. My illness prevents me from being and manifests as this “daily awakening” I experience as three layers: my firstself, secondself, and thirdself. Hence the word, “triselfist”. I am now aware of my three experiential layers and my condition of illness.
Uniselfist – So the major symptom of your illness is waking up?
Triselfist – Yes. That is the foundational symptom of my illness. As long as I “wake up here”, I am ill.
Uniselfist – So then to heal, you must die?
Triselfist – I must cease to awaken into my triselfist state.
Uniselfist – Why won’t you say the word “die”?
Triselfist – “Death” is an imaginary concept of my thirdself loaded with meaning and connotations far beyond that which I need to express an answer to your question. To heal, I must in one sense, not awaken here. That sufficiently clearly answers the question without provoking unwanted secondself conceptualism.
Uniselfist – What do you mean by “unwanted secondself conceptualism”?
Triselfist – I have the distinct experience of awakening into this world for a lifetime. In that lifetime, the word “death” has come to mean many different things. I have associated it with feelings, memories, misunderstandings, and more. It is very much a thirdself term that I cannot possibly repossess or own. So when I use that word, all those feelings, memories, questions, and constructs arise and thus influence my state of awareness. Speaking is incanting, and the words I choose influence the results of my incantation. “Death” brings unwanted and unneeded imaginism into my incantation.
Uniselfist – What do you mean by “incantation”?
Triselfist – Incantation is the formation and expression of a conceptual, written or spoken idea with intention. In my thirdself, my expressions are purpose-based. Professionally, I incant to achieve goals for my clients, for example. Or to achieve relief in different ways. When I journal, I incant by self-reflecting to determine what I want, how I feel, or otherwise gain relief. Firstself incantation is expression intended to reorient me toward my true being, toward release.
Uniselfist – What about the word “incantation” — I associate that with witches and all kinds of things that I think would be distractions. Wouldn’t those associations lead to unwanted or provocative conceptualism?
Triselfist – The reason I repossessed “incantation” is that the associations with it are comically exaggerated and silly. It wasn’t ever a word I used, nor did I put much effort into the entire conceptual genre of witchcraft and that kind of stuff, so it has been easy to repossess. And it perfectly expresses something critical: that the words I utter have meaning and influence my experience. “Incantation” captures that potentiality precisely. In a sense, they are magical. Words, thoughts, and expressions are truly magical.
… April 22, 2022
Note: As of this exchange, I have started using uniself/triself in place of uniselfist/triselfist because the suffix -ist — meaning “one who” — implies an imaginary construct in which two separate people are having this dialogue. But it is more accurate to reflect an inner conversation between two parts of my self.
Today is also the day I changed the title of this post from “Conversations, continued” to “Inner Dialogue, continued”. It is better to simply call it what it is — an inner dialogue I am carrying on with myself — rather than force it into an imaginary construct. I will also go back to the original post from where this is continued, and rename it from “Conversations with an ascentist” to “Inner dialogue”.
Uniself – What do you mean when you say that “conviction” is the one tool you have?
Triself – Conviction is an outgrowth of my desire, which itself is an outgrowth of my illness. If desire is the burning flame within me, my convictions are the channels where I direct it. If my desire is the seed within me, my convictions are the roots, and my actions are the reaching branches. What starts as desire, becomes conviction, which becomes action and expression. Conviction is my valve; it is where I can control the flow outward into my thirdself. I can open it and fully immerse in the pain of triself, or I can close it off and choke off triself and return to peace.
More properly, discretion is the tool I have, and conviction is the hardened accretion of my discretion.
Uniself – And if discretion is your tool, how do you use it?
Triself – I have to decide what I truly want. I have to decide what my desire is. I have long believed that my desire sought something “outside of me”, in my thirdself despite overwhelming experience to the contrary. Nothing in my thirdself has ever satisfied my desire. So I must simply decide to acknowledge that truth, and follow it to a greater truth. And that greater truth is that what I seek, what I desire, is not in my thirdself. It never has been. ‘
However, in making that decision, I confront a lifetime of discretion which has formed into convictions that guide and channel my actions in my awakening. I need to reroute those actions by redirecting those channels inward, back toward my firstself.
Uniself – And how will you do that?
Triself – I must decide to believe something else. I must decide to believe that I do in fact want my firstself and not my thirdself. That decision brings me face-to-face with all my deepest convictions, which I must overcome and replace with conviction that leads me back to my firstself.
… April 25, 2022
Uniself – What is the first step to actually believing the selfist model?
Triself – The selfist model is a map leading me back to myself. So naturally, I have to first be able to look around and make sense of what I see, sense, and experience. The true nature of everything hides behind a very deep veneer of familiarity to the extend I am not able to make sense of my experience. Every reference point I have is yet another part of that veneer.
Uniself – How do people fit into that process?
Triself – By “people”, I would mean “other people” — not me. I would not put myself in that category of “people”.
Uniself – Okay, explain that first.
Triself – How I categorize “people” is the basis of how people would fit in. By my experience, “people” are forms that move about in my second and thirdself. In uniself, I perceive myself as one of them, moving around the same as them. But I can only attain that understanding through imaginism, which is the basis of my distortion. So in triself, I do not determine that I am one of them, for I clearly am not.
Uniself – So you are using these words differently now; you said “in uniself” and “in triself”. Explain that.
Triself – I started using these forms just this month, but yes, I have just extended them. When I am “in uniself” I am behaving as if I am one of many people in this larger world. I am within this world. But when I am “in triself”, my beliefs and behaviors more closely align to my actual experience of a three-layer self.
In uniself, I will form logical conclusions based on the information I have. I will reach very far past my present moment, deep into an imaginary past, present, or future. I will imagine other people and far-off places and behave as if I am one of them.
In triself, I do not make such conceptual leaps, but rather focus on what is in relation to my present desire. The further I float away from what is in this present moment, the more distorted my perspective becomes, and the more likely I will disengage from triself.
Uniself – Okay, so going back to people — you called them “forms that move around your second and thirdself”. Explain that.
Triself – Literally, that is what people are. My experience is divided into these three distinct layers: the first being my timeless moment of awareness; my second being this inner space of feelings, ideas, thoughts, desires, and aspirations; and my third outer space of people, places, and things.
People are shapes that continuously move between my second inner and third outer space. Right now, my friend is not here, but he will be. So right now, my friend is a shape in my inner space. But in two hours, he will be a shape very much in my outer space. There is some continuity between these two shapes.
All of these three parts are me. In uniself, I think of my friend as one of many people, myself included. But in triself, I am the entirety of my existence from the moment I awaken to the moment I asleepen. So while my friend is a form that moves around my second and thirdself, and nothing more. He is a component of me.
Uniself – Okay, that makes sense, but how is that practical?
Triself – Firstly, it corresponds to my actual experience. In triself, I do not make imaginistic leaps, as I would have to in order to believe in some wider world I am not directly experiencing right now. I simply acknowledge my experience as it is. When I do that, I find myself dropping so many emanations — imaginary constructs. It feels like a relief. When I look at people I do not think into them. I do not imagine where they came from, where they are going, or what they might be thinking. Because that is all imaginary. In triself, I let go of my imagination.
Uniself – If you are not one of the people, what are you then?
Triself – I am existence.
Uniself – But I am not you. You are me.
Triself – That is the man in the mirror talking back to me.
… May 1, 2022
Uniself – Are you entirely firstself-oriented?
Triself – My behavior does not change until my convictions have changed. For example, one of my most persistent secondself emanations is consuming political media. Though I know that this is all imaginary, secondself emanation, and that it impedes my reorientation toward my firstself, it has been stubbornly difficult to let go of. I find the entire circus engaging because I maintain the secondself construct that I am an expatriate American watching the world I am within shift and change.
It wasn’t until I began to see all these political characters more or less as marionettes on a small stage that their importance diminished to me, and with that my interest in them. The characters I watch in videos, who I once imagined as large are in fact very small shapes within my projected thirdself that I magnified in both presence and importance. No different from the characters in the video games I once enjoyed.
It was the emergence and conviction of my authorship of existence that eroded my interest in such emanation.
Uniself – How are you using emanation here?
Triself – Emanation is both second and thirdself movement. Right now I am sitting quietly in front of my computer typing this. The inner mental movement that is manifesting as the coordinated movements of my fingers on this thirdself keyboard, and then as characters on the screen of my laptop is all emanation.
When I mentally decide to watch political media, I physically emanate inward into the videos on my computer, the content of which in turn excites inner movement as thoughts, opinions, and inflamed passions. All of this is emanation. Emanation is the swirling eddies of my secondself thoughts, feelings, and desires, and my thirdself actions, behaviors, and movements that change the projected environment.
… May 2, 2022
Uniself – What are people then?
Triself – People are nothing more than moving shapes into which I emanate deeper meaning. I have created all of them. Every single person in my life, I created. I write all their stories, and manifest them into my moment. They represent my aspiration.
Uniself – But these people exist without you.
Triself – No, they don’t. Without me, nothing exists, for I am existence. I am the origin and anchor of everything out here. There is nothing I do not see; for what I see is all there is. They are marionettes on a stage, and I am the marionettist.
… May 3, 2022
Uniself – What do you think about AI and future tech? Will machines be conscious?
Triself – In triself, I reject the entire premise of the question. All originates within me in my firstself; there is no other origin. So it is not something worth engaging.
… May 6, 2022
Uniself – What are the fundamental questions?
Triself – Keeping in mind that there are an infinite variety of questions that will arrive at the same general answer, it’s a matter of format and word-choice. But my first “question” is the set of inquiries that reveals my essential condition.
See, asking questions while I am in a precarious position, will only yield answers that reflect those circumstances. If I am ecstatic, then I would expect my outlook to be of a similar nature. So any questions I ask will yield answers that reflect my state, or condition.
So it is imperative that I ask questions I have from a state of clarity and mindfulness. Only then will the answers I find provide additional clarity. Otherwise, questions asked in confusion will yield answers that add to my confusion.
I have been confused my entire life. It was not until I asked the right question, that my confusion began to dissipate. That question was: where am I? Now, this is a capstone question: it sits on top of a pyramid of secondary questions that invite their own journey and their own answers. But when I confront this question in a precise manner, I begin to find precise results.
And what are those secondary questions: What do I know?
“Where am I” is the capstone question; and “what do I know” is the supporting question. The two, taken together, leads me back to awareness.
…
Uniself – Given what you now know, what is all of this?
Triself – My awakening is an illness, which I experience as desire. I express desire as everything I “do” during my awakening. Everything from waking up, drinking my morning coffee, building a company, setting goals, playing with my dog, eating, and returning back to sleep is the expression of my desire.
In awakening, I emanate inward to my secondself, then thirdself. I am fixed and unmoving at my firstself, but my second and thirdselves are in constant motion. The undulating motion of my second and thirdselves all emanates inward from my firstself. The motion is my desire seeking its own end; seeking reunion. My only goal is to heal, to be. In healing, I will know.
Uniself – So every thing you think and do in awakening is an expression of desire?
Triself – Yes, my moment is an expression of desire. The manifestation of that desire may appear to be different; right now I am typing on a computer and drinking chai. Earlier today I went on a walk with my dog in the mountains, and I’ll do the same within an hour.
… May 7, 2022
Uniself – How do you make sense of the past?
Triself – I don’t. My awakening is a furious storm, and my past is the debris being blown around by the violent storm. If I try to hold on to any of it I will only lose my grip and get swept away. I don’t need to make sense of the past.
Uniself – Did the past happen?
Triself – That isn’t a question I need to answer. And as I said, by answering it, I am trying to “catch the distortion”. It is easier to understand when I am still and calm, rather than chasing after it. The past is my illness flaring up.
Uniself – What about all the people you know, and important relationships from your earlier life?
Triself – I do not think about them. I remain in my moment.
Uniself – So, effectively, you cut all ties and relationships.
Triself – Effectively, yes.
My secondself is comprised of desire. It is the first thing that forms in awakening. it is a hardened kernel of desire that forms like a cloud layer within my firstself. I would liken this to a tumor, a cyst. I experience the growth of this tumor as waking up. Though it is painful, it blossoms into my thirdself which I experience as a familiar scene full of comforting objects, places, and people. The familiarity of it all is soothing, and lulls me into complacency. “Ahh”, I say, “I’ve been here. I belong here”. And I forget that by being here, I am not who I really am.
My awakening is an illness that seeks to expand. Every thought and aspiration of my secondself is the emanation of my desire. And every object and place of my thirdself is the extension of that same desire, solidified into discretion, conviction, and action. The past and future are both outward emanations, endlessly outstretching, painfully dismembering me in the process.
Uniself – What do you mean when you say your secondself is desire, and your thirdself is discretion?
Triself – I experience my secondself as this constant movement of sensations, ideas, feelings, memories, preferences, longings, and the like. Every one of these sensations is an expression of desire. That desire seeks only one thing: its own end. That is all my desire seeks. Desire is pure pain and suffering that comes into existence when I separate from my Being. From Who I am. From my firstself.
My thirdself is my secondself advanced, in full blossom. I experience my thirdself as all the people, places, things, and motion of the world “around” or “outside of” me.
My secondself desire seeks release; it wants only to end itself, like a snake writhing in pain and agony. My thirdself is that writhing. My thirdself is the consequence of my self-abolition. My thirdself is my healing. It is my efforts hardened into these shapes I experience. It is my journey back to myself. Nothing more. It is nothing beyond that. When I get lost in the shapes, colors, and experience of my thirdself, I am just that: lost. I am merely delaying the inevitable.
Uniself – How does that conception differ from uniself?
Triself – In uniself, I tried to grow and hold on to everything in my second and thirdself. I was absorbed deeply into the illusion of being a single person among billions of others, aspiring and competing to get something that I wanted from the world. Something that could only be gotten in my thirdself. I was deeply affected by the shapes of my thirdself; by the actions and consequences of my actions. In triself, it is much less traumatic. Yes, I am still manifesting desire in my thirdself, but I have released so many layers of it that my awakenings are much simpler and less traumatic. Awakening is still painful, but the period before my asleepening is much less so.
Uniself – How do you explain that transition?
Triself – The mechanics are about reproportioning and believing. I once lived in an imaginary model of existence. My entire conception of existence was built on some imaginary construct I could never experience or validate. I was one in billions presently living, influenced by the actions of those before me, in a world that is billions of years old, full of mystery and questions and confusion. I did not “know” anything. I accepted that I was this temporary being floating around a massive world observing and experiencing, and so unimportant and trivial. I experienced the falsity of this self-misunderstanding as an inner conviction of “greatness” and potential, and nurtured aspirations to share this with the world. So inside I knew that I was something other than the world had decided I was — a single, unimportant human among billions of others — and my entire life was spent fighting against that.
But now I realize it is not the world that gets to decide who I am. Rather, I get to decide what the world is. And I decided that the world is better described as I experience it: a model I have created from my own desire. I have formed this experience, this awakening. Every single part of it.
Uniself – How can you know that?
Triself – I simply look and describe what I see and what I experience. Every thought and conviction I hold in my secondself emanates from the same origin. Every person, thing, and place I see in my thirdself also emanates from the same origin. Every thing of my thirdself has roots in my secondself, and seeds into my firstself. My firstself is the soil in which the roots of my secondself grow into the trunk, branches, and leaves of my thirdself. It is all connected, I just just forgotten how to see the soil. The never-ending soil. But it is always there, I have just forgotten what it was. That forgetting changed the way I think about and sense my firstself. I experience it as “the ground”. The ground is Me. Me, capitalized. The great “I”; the origin. The actual me. My true self.
To my familiar, uniself experience, the ground is just a fact of my existence. It is something I sense but take for granted. It is always there; it never goes away. It cradles me. I sense and describe it as “beneath me”. And after awakening spent re-characterizing it as something that is “beneath” and “under me”, I dissociated myself from it. I detached from it. I would say to myself, “the ground isn’t me; it is beneath me”.
But the ground is not beneath me. It is all around me. It is all the comforting tissue that keeps me right here. Right in place. That ground is my firstself. And when I close my eyes and turn off my thirdself, and allow my secondself to settle down and evaporate, I see the ground for what it really is; it is Me. It is Who I Am. It is all around me, cradling me. There is nothing wrong here. There is no danger here. I am safe and secure; nothing has changed. I am just going through a frightening nightmare, and it will be over soon. I am alright. When I open my eyes again, don’t forget Me; I am the ground, and I am always there. I am the sky and the air around me, holding me safe and secure until I can find my way back. I just need to find my way back. Don’t forget who I am. I am the ground.
Uniself – What do you mean by the “ground”?
Triself – My awakening is an illness. It is fever, and sickness that I want to heal and recover from. When I am sick — or “awake” — I become delusional. I come to believe that I am this person within this bigger world. And I imagine that this ground I walk on while in this world is some large rock called a planet, full of other people just like me walking around on the same rock.
But that is all a delusion, and I only have to look at my familiar self and environment and describe what I actually see, devoid of imaginism, and I will articulate a description that is very different from the delusion I have accepted.
The wider outside world I once believed was containing me, is actually, by my direct experience, a small moving picture within a much larger environment I once called my inner self. I had gotten it wrong, and that is when my suffering was worst. That was at the height of my fever. I was the most delirious at that time. I was the most confused and disoriented; it was scary and painful because I really believed that I was in this place I could not escape. I believed that I was this little person in this massive world; I was small and insignificant and weak and frightened. I was trapped in this prison and I was looking for a way out. I saw slivers of light shining through cracks in the walls in my prison, and I knew that was the way out. So I pressed up against the wall and tried to crawl through those little cracks to the freedom I sought. But those cracks were not the way out that I thought they were. They were even more restrictive prisons than the one I was in already.
That was a scary time. But I wanted to heal, and I did. I kept searching and searching for that thing I had lost but I wanted to remember. I shook and fought and battled; I never gave up until I found a piece of it. I always knew when I saw it; I knew what it was, and I knew that I wanted it. So I kept going, and going. And as it revealed itself, piece by piece, I began to remember who and what I was. The fever was breaking. I could see on the horizon that I was okay. I could see who and what I was. And that meant I could let go of this thing I thought I was here, in this body in this world. I have so long believed that I was the person in this body in this world. But when I can pull up, stand back, I can see that this world is something I myself have created. Every single piece of it. I every last thing I can touch, taste, see, smell, and imagine — all of it is me. I am the soil and the air in which this illness has grown and spread like a tree. The roots of my secondself nourish the trunk, branches, and leaves of my thirdself.
In uniself, I experience Who I Am as the ground and the air. They are always there; I am always within them. My delusional secondself has painted them as a ground and the air around me. But stripped of their delusional qualities, when I close my eyes and numb my senses, I see what they truly are: me. An infinite, boundless, pain-free Being. This experience when I open my eyes is only an illness. It is the sickness that has overtaken me. I am not this sickness. I am the freedom around the sickness. The sickness is only a very small part of my Being.
My secondself is a tangle of roots that have grown into ideas, sensations, feelings, and aspirations. Roots that have broken through a surface, growing into the trunk and limbs of objects, people, and places. Neither are there unless I believe they are there.
Uniself – What happens when you die?
Triself – I will not die. I do not die. What will die is my thirdself, and then my secondself. I will not leave the world; the world will leave from me. I have been looking at it wrong the entire time. Backwards. It is not the world that will persist after I am gone; it is I who will remain after the world has gone. But this too is painful, for I have grown deep into this world. I am firmly attached to my second and thirdselves.
I will not die. The world will die. And then I will see what I truly am.
Uniself – So you are killing the world, then?
Triself – Yes, I am killing the world. The “world” is the growth at the end of the roots of my inner secondself, which itself is a growth within my firstself. I am not within a troubled world; I am killing a creation I have realized is an illness. I want to do it in the least painful, least traumatic way. I know what it is, but there is no reason to make this any more unpleasant than it needs to be. So I am carefully pruning my second and thirdselves.
Uniself – So what are you then?
Triself – I am all, and existence is within me. Existence is this experience of awakening into a changing place. But this changing place is within another changing place within me, who does not change. I am. I do not change. Existence is within me, and I need to kill it because it is the illness. It has grown like a weed within me, and it has caused great suffering.
… May 8, 2022
Uniself – What is the selfist model?
Triself – The selfist model is a set of two perspectives I experience in my moment.
Uniself – What is my moment?
Triself – My moment is this unending present now that forms the basis of my existence.
Uniself – What happens when I die?
Triself – I will not die and thus nothing will happen. But the world will die within me. My second and thirdself will die within me.
Uniself – What are the two perspectives of the selfist model?
Triself – The two perspectives are the uniself and triself models. In the uniself model I believe I am a single individual among billions of others temporarily experiencing a world I awaken into. In the triself model, I believe that the outer world is enclosed within my inner self, which is in turn enclosed within my true self. In triself I sense these layers.
Uniself – Why are there two? Isn’t it one or the other?
Triself – The models are merely reflective of my self-orientation. They are not reflective of the truth but rather the direction I am going relative to Who I Am.
Uniself – What do you mean by “Who I Am”?
Triself – Who I Am is the end of my desire; it is what I seek with every waking breath and desire. Every single one of my waking desires is to Be Who I Am. To return to the peace and freedom of my Being.
Uniself – And that is found in triself?
Triself – No. Triself is a transitional stage that allows me to see and detach from the distortion of the world. If uniself grows the world, then triself shrinks and contracts it.
Uniself – So the selfist model is both of these?
Triself – Yes, the selfist model is my experience of both. There are times when my moment is entirely one or the other. My moment for a long time was all uniself; when I was constantly getting smaller and smaller in this ever expanding universe. When my desires were wrongly and painfully invested into this world, rather than into the peace I sought. Now my moment divides between that and am emergent triself that breaks up the illusion of the uniselfist perspective.
… May 9, 2022
Uniself – What do you mean when you say you only trust your direct experience?
Triself – I mean that literally. I trust that the origin of my entire awakening is me. That my moment is all there is, and there is nothing outside of it. That I am not the same as other people; that I create other people. That I will not die in the world, but that the world will die in me. Only the things that I directly validate and experience in my moment.
Uniself – But you cannot directly experience your birth right now, but surely you were born. And you cannot experience your death, but surely you will die.
Triself – No, both those events — my birth and death — are entirely imaginistic. I am only now; I always have been, and always will be.
Uniself – Then what are your birth and death?
Triself – They are features of my illness. They are distortions of my self-understanding. I was not born, and I will not die. As I heal, the size and shape of my moment will also change, the distortion of my moment will be reduced, and the things I look at will appear clearer, less distorted.
Uniself – What do you mean by “the things I look at”?
Triself – When I think about my birth and death, I am looking at them. And although at this moment they seem real and imminent, respectively, I know that sense of authenticity will diminish as I heal, and they will be revealed as manifestations of my illness rather than actual events.
Uniself – And what of all your memories of growing up with your family? You parents and siblings? Do they not exist?
Triself – They exist as long as I maintain them. All these memories of the past, and aspirations of the future, are maintained by my moment. My moment is a beating heart that pumps nourishment into them, keeps them there as “memories”; phantoms of the past. As long as I nourish these imaginary people, they will be there.
Uniself – Then you are alone?
Triself – Yes, it is only me. It always has been just me, and always will be. I am emanating this entire structure; it is my own emanation that nourishes and preserves it. Every single thing I can imagine, I manifest. Every single thing I can observe, I manifest. If I want to see the mountains from the top of the hill outside my house, I will manifest them by walking up there. If I want to speak to my mother, I will manifest her by reaching out. It is all due to my own efforts. It is all me and my moment.
Uniself – So your moment is all illness? There isn’t some part of it that is permanent and real, that will be preserved?
Triself – Yes, my moment is an illness, and no, none of it will be preserved. The entire structure depends on me for its own existence. The entire thing emanates from me; it is a cancer that I need to remove.
… May 15, 2022
This is the first time I have began using first-person narration to represent both inner voices: uniself and triself. Since the entire situation of a dialogue between two entities is an imaginary construct and therefore an attribute of my incompleteness, suffering, and illness, using language that recognizes both as essentially “me” is a step toward reunification. This is a positive development in my recovery.
Uniself – Do I exist?
Triself – A question demands an answer. That question divides, complicates, and enjoins me to the secondself act of answering. Any second or thirdself action that does not yield reunion and totality can only yield relief. It is release I seek, not relief, so I do not need to answer that question.
Uniself – So if I do not want to answer, then what?
Triself – I disengage. I withdraw from it. I know who I am, and that answer will not and cannot capture that.
Uniself – So it is left unresolved?
Triself – Another question, but no. To be unresolved it would have to remain open, existent, unsolved. A decision was made: a decision to disengage. I is very much resolved.
… May 16, 2022
Uniself – Why is it becoming harder to wake up every morning?
Triself – Because I know where I am, and where I want to be. I don’t know it every moment, but I know it enough to know that I do not want to be here. I know that I am ill when I awaken here. And I know what peace feels like. I know where I want to be, and it’s not here.
Uniself – How much longer will I return here?
Triself – Until I realize and believe that I am not here.
Uniself – Where am I, then?
Triself – I am right here. I never move. I have never left. But I still believe the movie that is playing on the screen of my thirdself. I need to let go of that movie, that script, that book full of characters I have written. But am not ready yet to fully let go of them. But I will. I am. And then I will no longer awaken.
… May 17, 2022
Uniself – What is it that I actually think?
Triself – I do not “think”, but rather “know” that my awakening into this “world” is an illness, and my misunderstanding of my circumstance is a distortion that misleads me further into illness. Without knowing where I am, I wander around lost and delusional, chasing imaginary shapes that lead me deeper into self-delusion and away from what I actually seek. My only goal is to realize where I am and return.
Uniself – Where do I leave from when I awaken, and where am I trying to return to?
Triself – These are the same place: my. My Being. I might say “sleep”.
Uniself – What do I mean by my “misunderstanding of my circumstance… misleads me further into illness”?
Triself – The core question of “where am I” is an important one. I experience waking up in this world every day, which is my “circumstance” – the condition I awaken into. That awakening leads to the circumstances of my life, daily activities, obligations, and everything associated with my experience here. I believe that I am this person who lives in this place, has a set of problems, some possessions, and, some ongoing commitments and beliefs. These all represent my “circumstance”.
But am I actually aware of the nature of my circumstance? Am I aware that they are entirely of my own manifestation? Am I aware that I am actually not in a moving timeline, but situated at a fixed point? It is like watching a movie I have myself created and believing that I am in the movie itself, forgetting that I am actually its creator. Once I forget who I am, none of this actually makes sense on a fundamental level. And I get trapped here.
Uniself – And why are all these things here, in my awakening?
Triself – They are all familiar distortions. My familiarity imparts shape and meaning. My value of a specific shape (such as money or comfort) imparts purpose and bonds to my desire. If I could step back, move toward who I actually am, and de-value those shapes I presently give so much value to, I would see their truer nature as simply shapes and patterns of no particular significance and value. Familiarity is the solidification of shapes.
For example, I presently believe that I have certain professional obligations to a specific set of clients. I have clients because I value what I get by having and serving them. Namely, money and the independent lifestyle and comforts that come with it. All of that is based on decisions I have made to value one type of experience over another. My entire range of activity and motion in my awakenings is oriented toward such decisions and beliefs.
But in remembering who I am, and where I am, I am loosening and overcoming the delusion. I am “coming to”, I might say, and in so doing I am making great changes to “the world”. For example, just a few years ago I had physically drive to an office to meet many people — employees, partners, etc. I lived in a home where I had to physically interact with many different people. Since then, and as a direct result of my descent, I have dramatically changed my environment. Immediately upon awakening I move into a small, isolated cell in a home with only my dog around.
Physical interaction is a deeply intoxicating ritual that reinforces my uniself perspective that I am one person among billions of others, past, present, and future, proximate and non-proximate. It is one of the strongest aspects of my illness, and so I have created the covid situation so I could detach from the daily activity of physically interacting with people.
Uniself – Do I really believe that there is nothing of real value “here” in my awakening?
Triself – It is not that there is nothing of value; value is a decision I make. Presently, I have many possessions I value that facilitate activities and conditions I value. I value my computer and phones because they enable me to work for clients, pay for things I need and want, and generally afford the lifestyle I have chosen. I value my dog and his companionship. There are many things I value that, if lost or taken away, would injure me. That list of forms, possessions, activities, behaviors, memories, aspirations, and relationships will continue to decrease, however, as I withdraw into my role as creator. Eventually, all I value will be my own, unified self, rather than any one thing or collection of things in my second and thirdselves.
Uniself – So then I have created covid as a way to demanifest and disengage from the world?
Triself – Yes. But more specifically, the “pandemic” paved the way for me to recreate my awakening in a constrained space.
… May 20, 2022
Uniself – What do I mean that my thirdself is echoes of my secondself?
… May 25, 2022
Uniself – If I created all of this, and my awareness gives all life and all movement, then how should I change how I think and behave?
Triself – It is Me at the very center of everything. All of this before me is a story I have created out of nothing. Out of the patterns in my being. It is a story I tell myself when I awaken into illness. I need to
Uniself – Do all these people know who I am?
Triself – They do not know in the way that I use that word to refer to my own knowing. My knowing is based on a conviction within my secondself; they have no second or thirdselves. They have no firstself. They are emanations only within my second and thirdself. They go only as deep as I permit them.
Everything in the ovular window is a decision I make, a belief I maintain. Do these people know who I am? That is a decision I make. And I decide to withdraw from it; disengage. I earn nothing by holding beliefs I cannot know. I only feed my illness.
Uniself – Am I human?
Triself – If by human I am referring to the fleshy shapes that walk around my thirdself, then no I am not. I am not the same. They are shapes in my thirdself window, nothing else.
… May 26, 2022
Uniself – What am I, then, in words? I think it’s worth putting it into language.
Triself – I am literally the creator of everything. I awaken and manifest my existence.
Uniself – How does that work, exactly? How do I create all of this?
Triself – “How” is not important.
Uniself – If I cannot even explain the mechanics of it, how can I be doing it?
Triself – Again with the “how”. I would have to assume that the “mechanics” are somehow important; that because I cannot distill them into crude, imprecise words, I cannot be the one who manifests it all. Being able to answer “how” does not change what is. It does not change that I create all of this after I awaken. It does not change that I am the source of it all. Or that everything in existence projects outward from the source within me. No questions change that.
Uniself – So then am I willing to say “I do not know how I manifest”?
Triself – No, I will not say that.
I start with what I know — only what I know. Right now. What I know now is my bridge back to my true being. When I begin to leave what I know, I drift further away from triself awareness. With that, I can begin to see how the distortion of my ignorance works. The drift begins with questions like “how” and “why”. Such questions set me up to ignore what is and imagine what might be. They are carrots dangling in front of my face; if I give chase, they lead me to the trap of my own making. The trap of permanently seeking and accepting transitory relief in place of permanent release.
The answer lies in being, not knowing. Knowing, like desiring, is a condition of my illness. Knowing is aspirational being.
Uniself – But how do I know that I know everything.
Triself – I can simply look at the constants. But ultimately, it is a decision. Knowing is not some outer fixed constant that exists independent of me. Knowing is a decision I make
Uniself – And what are people? And am I one of them?
Triself – People are exactly what they appear to be plus whatever more I decide they are. They are figures in my painting, characters in my story. I decide how complex or simple they are. How many dimensions they have. Like the thoughts in my head that scream out for my attention when I close my eyes, the people in my thirdself are the same; forms seeking my attention and focus. It is me who decides whether I listen to them.
… May 28, 2022
Triself – It’s not the question or the answer. It’s being able to be without needing to ask a question. Without needing an answer. That is what comes after ‘knowing’. I don’t even need to ask anymore because I am not unclear. I am not lost. I know who and where I am, to the degree that there is no question in my soul anymore. That is the point at which conviction ceases to exist because it doesn’t have anything to measure. With nothing to measure, there is no need to measure anymore.
I can close my eyes and be. Conviction does not matter.
That is the primitive. There is knowing and there is being. Once I know, there is no unknown, and therefore there is no known either. There is just being. Knowing only makes sense in its totality when there is unknown remaining. Once all the unknown is gone, the known also disappears. They shrivel up together into nothingness, leaving only my being in their absence.
I can see my being by closing my eyes. I want to stay here, and never open my eyes again. But I cannot do that, because I am still knowing, becoming.
I have been wanting to close my eyes forever. That is what I have always wanted. It started with wanting everything from the world. The money and everything that comes with it. Why? So I could relax. So I wouldn’t have to do anything. That is always what lies behind the desire for wealth and success: freedom. But what does freedom really mean?
I misunderstood freedom as the ability to do, buy, and experience the things in the world that I could not at the present. Go places. Buy expensive things for myself and others. Eat the best food. Earn the most respect and admiration. Be idle. But those are all the fruits of the plantation of my second and thirdself. And the freedom for which I yearn is not borne of the fruit of the plantation. The freedom I truly seek is the freedom that comes from closing my eyes and not being “here” in my second and thirdself. From not being in this world with its attendant responsibilities and demands. Without people or things to bother and harass me. Freedom from the smoldering desire within me that drives me like a ragged steam engine that just wants to rest. Peace. Freedom is peace, not gifts. Not places. Not a nice house or money to burn. Freedom is just peace.
I want nothing more nor less than simply Being. Being without desire, without knowing, without questioning, without needing anything I don’t have. When my eyes are closed, I am all there is. I need nothing else… I can taste that, feel it, know it. Know it in the way that nothing else makes sense. Know it in a way that I do not even need that word to describe it. I am it. And there is nothing to know. Nothing to describe. Because I am it and there is no question. There is no answer. Being trumps the knowing. Being is what remains after all the knowns and unknowns are gone.
I want to Be. I want to close my eyes and never open them again. My inability to do that is the qualification of the challenge I face. It is the measurement of how far I have allowed myself to fall into this illness. I have gotten myself into this by not being; by falling for the trap of becoming. I fell into this hole for 42 years ago; I am 42 years deep into this hole, and now I have to climb out. I need to ascend back to the surface… that is why God is in heaven. And heaven is up. Because I am down in here, lost, and I need to climb up and out of here. Back to myself. I have forgotten that I am the person up there. It is me. I am the fallen angel. I fall into this place by awakening here every morning. This is the place I need to escape. This is hell.
…
Uniself – Is there life after death?
Triself – That is an inessential question that will not in any way help me understand my own existence. The better question is: will my moment ever end? And the answer to that is no. “I” as in the totality of my firstself, does not end. Nor do I begin. I have the very distinct sense that I have always been because I have always been. And always will be.
Uniself – How do I prove that?
Triself – My experience is the proof.
Uniself – And what about everyone else?
Triself – There is no one else. I am not of the same category as these shapes called “people” moving around the space within a space within a space. If I had to decide how to explain my existence, why would I ask the wallpaper? Anything I cannot know directly, instantly, and now is part of my illness.
… May 29, 2022
Uniself – How many awakenings do I have?
Triself – Only the one. I only have one now, one moment, my moment. There are not years of awakenings becuase I cannot experience them. All I can experience is my present, single moment, and therefore that is all there is. Everything beyond my one moment is a re-distortion of my distorted moment.
Uniself – Then what are my memories?
Triself – Distortions of distortions that I experience as a sense of “already happening”. I only have my moment, and my moment is a stack of secondself sensations extending outward into my thirdself. Like any tree which contains its own seed in every moment, my present now contains its own seed. It is both the seed and the full-grown organism. My waxing and waning, ingress and egress, is the cause of the pulsation I know as “memories”.
Memories are not something that happened but rather something that is in my moment but compressed under the weight of all other forms in my moment.
… May 30, 2022
Uniself – Do I believe in “God”?
Triself – … I am existence. I am everything, including every word and every idea. God is my omniself; everything. I am God, and I believe in myself.
…
Uniself – What is the past?
Triself – Before awakening, I am the totality of existence. I am everything there is. I am all. Upon awakening and opening my eyes, I forget that I am everything. I forget that I am the totality of existence. I come to believe that I am only a small, temporary part of everything. I am within everything. This is the illusion that I believe.
In my awakening — this state of delusion — my awareness is limited to a small periphery beyond my focus. I focus on something, and that is what occupies most of my attention. And along the periphery of my focus, everything in my wider awareness gets distorted in the same way as everything in the periphery of my vision when I concentrate forward.
There is only my moment; there is no past or future, or anywhere other than here. I can close my eyes and see that I am in the exact same place no matter where I close my eyes. I can be anywhere in my thirdself, but when I close my eyes, I return to the exact same place. Because I am not actually moving.
So everything outside of where I am focused is distorted and compressed, which I experience as “time”. As memories. Because I am no longer focusing on those parts of my thirdself, they are compressed under the weight of my present focus and awareness. Like a funhouse mirror — where I focus is what appears closest and most real; all else falls away. The totality of existence is right here in this moment right now. It does not trail behind me as a series of past events. It is all here now; I am just not focused on it.
Uniself – Can I focus on those parts again?
Triself – Yes, and I experience those as memories. They are happening right now, also part of my moment.
Uniself – But I cannot go back and visit my second grade teacher, can I?
Triself – Sure I can. The form will appear different than how I “remember”, but I can sense the continuity. As I return, as I egress from my awakening, I will see more vividly and completely, and the true nature of all forms will be clearer to me. I experience that as change.
… May 31, 2022
Today is the first day I replace “uniself” with “demiself”.
Demiself – Should I help other people escape?
Triself – No.
Demiself – Why not?
Triself – Because they are agents of my thirdself. They are features of my thirdself; they are the ghouls of the room. Without the room, they are not here. They are not the same as me.
Demiself – So other people are ghouls?
Triself – In the sense that they exist only insofar as I create them. I must continually remind myself that I created all of these ghouls. And every single one of them want something from me. They feed on my awareness. They only exist because I am aware of them. That is what I mean by “ghoul”. Without my feeding them, they die off.
Demiself – All of them, even your mother and friends and family?
Triself – Yes, all of them. They exist solely by consuming me. They want nothing more than to keep me in the room so they can continue to exist. They have only one objective: exist.
Demiself – Do they know what they are?
Triself – They do not exist with awareness. They are flat, but elastic. What I see, what I observe, and what I think is what they are. I can probe deeper into them; this is where their elastic nature is expressed. I can question any one of them endlessly and never reach the very bottom. But it goes deeper than just people. The entire second and thirdself apparatus is designed to trap me here in this room. It does not want me to leave, and is endlessly regressive, continuing forever.
Demiself – So I do not want to help other people escape the room because they are actually agents of the room itself?
Triself – Yes. My attachments to them are purely a feature of my illness. Every single one of them are part of my illness, even the ones I enjoy.
Demiself – Which ones do I enjoy?
Triself – My “enjoyment” is not a useful way of describing people. I can look into my past and remember moments of enjoyment with people. But in those moments I was in demiself, unaware of the nature of my awakenings. In triself, what I once called “enjoyment” is a different experience. Like having a conversation with an inanimate object, like a table or a car. They all keep me away from healing in one way or another. I tolerate and even welcome a few out of familiarity and comfort, but I know that they stand between me and the peace I seek, no matter how well-crafted they are.
… June 12, 2022
Demiself – What is time?
Triself – Time is an imaginary construct I create in my awakening. I can demonstrably see that there is nothing other than this moment, but I have constructed an entire imaginary edifice built around time, including people, relationships, places, things, obligations, plans. All these second and thirdself forms are embedded within this mental web. As I retreat to firstself, the roots of time weaken and unravel, and the various formations and structures trapped within it — my memories and ideas, for example — also weaken and disappear.
Demiself – So what is my goal with the concept of time?
Triself – My goal is to withdraw from the time construct, to firstself, where time stands still and I can see and experience my moment as it is.
Demiself – But things still continue to change when I withdraw to my moment.
Triself – Yes, I am still ill. The music plays, the second space moves and changes. The wave builds and crashes.
…
Demiself – Why do I write?
Triself – I write in triself to come back. Every time I write in triself, I undermine the strength of demiself. Demiself is the state of believing that I am something other than I actually am. Triself is the transitional state between demiself and omniself; between incomplete and complete.
Demiself – What is the biggest obstacle I face now?
Triself – it is a matter of endurance. In my awakening I can spend my entire morning in triself, but inevitably I return to demiself at some point. However, the moment I spend in triself does limit the expansion of demiself for the remainder of my moment. Demiself does not have the chance to spread as much as it once did.
Demiself – How do I characterize my “demiself”.
Triself – This I still struggle with. I know it is all me, but characterizing the force within me that wishes to expand outward, emanate, project, and enlarge my secondself and thirdself is challenging. When I keep demiself and triself as a state of mind, or orientation, it satisfies my urge to secularism. But the forcefulness and pain of demiself warrants a harsher characterization like evil, satan, or the devil. But those words are so wrapped up in misunderstanding that they become nearly useless. The objective must be to characterize in such a way that I do not get stuck on second and thirdself formations that belong to demiself. Satan, for example, is tied to the secondself formation of religion and Christianity, two forms that are very much a part of the demiself root system. When I allow those to grow within me, I am certain to be misled.
…