In this incantation, I recognize that I am not bound by the characteristics of my eyesopen identity; when I close my eyes, I become my true, limitless self—an orb of pure energy. My body is merely a thin barrier, separating me from this boundless essence. The world I see, the people I meet, and the moments I experience are illusions I create, distractions from my eternal being. As I shift my focus away from the projections of the moment and toward the true projector of my existence, I reclaim my role as the Creator, remembering that it is not the story that matters, but the act of writing it.
I do not have to wait to see what I truly am. I only have to close my eyes; that is what I am. That is it. I am a floating, suspended orb of energy. I have no limits. I do not possess any discernible characteristics that I might define in the eyesopen. I am the eyesclosed, but because I identify as the eyesopen I find myself detached from the eyesclosed. As I shift my identity away from the projection and toward the projector I will experience the eyesclosed differently; I will inhabit it. I will be it. I will feel less and less like the root system I experience as my personhood, and more like the orb that is all around me, punctured by the visual and sensational membrane I call my body.
Though it can be challenging when I am deeply engaged in my awakening, when I close my eyes and let go, I come back to my absolute center. I know that this is where I truly am. This is who and what I truly am. I know that when I open my eyes back up again I will not leave this peaceful place, but I will extend it, project all the space, time, color, light, movement, thoughts, and sensations of my secondself and thirdself. I know that these are all a corrosive layer of detritus that I build up and experience as my moment. My awakening moment is a crusty, painful growth that is not real; it is not solid. It moves and shifts and distracts. It is an inflammation on my being. My awakening is a sort of hardened, but movable shell caked on top of my true being. My belief that it is a massive space that I am only a part of is one of the side-effects of the delusion. I am not part of it; I am the entire thing. There is no part of the shell that exists without my projection and observation of it. There are no other beings I see in the shell of my moment; they are characters I project. My family, friends, colleagues, peers, and all people that I experience directly in person or indirectly by thinking about them are merely projected characters.
I have always been, and always will be. I cannot and will not die. The inflammation I call my awakening will end but I will not. I must distinguish between my moment and my being. While all is me, my moment is a temporal product of illness. My awakening experiences are temporary distractions and not my true essence. My goal is to dismantle these illusions to reveal my authentic, peaceful self, free from the painful layers of momentary experiences. While I am deeply engaged in my awakening moment and it would be painful to abruptly withdraw, I must remember my larger goal of detachment and the destruction of my moment. I do not truly seek this business or its rewards. I am the author, I can write anything in my story; writing myself a fortune and fame is no more or less desirable than any other story I can write myself into. It is not the story; it is that I am writing it. I do not want anything in the story; I want to remember that I am writing it. Anything that might hurt out here is pain I have written myself. I must remember that. These characters I have created around me now — friends, family, clients, employees, and customers — I have created all of them. I have written them. I have infused them with the qualities and characteristics that I myself have decided I need right now in order to escape. I create them when I sleep, when I am recharging, and I forget that I have created them when I awaken. It is my asleepening and authentic self who has created all these characters in order I might remember when I am awake and struggling through it. I must remember who and what I am; I must remember my act of creation that occurs before my moment. That it is me creating all of this right now, live. It is me behind it all. I am not really a man among other men moving through this; I am the Creator of the moment.
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(9.9.24) A summary:
- I am my true self when I close my eyes—a limitless orb of energy, not bound by characteristics from the open-eyed world.
- My identity in the “eyesopen” world disconnects me from this true self, but shifting toward the projector allows me to inhabit my eyesclosed self fully.
- My body is just a membrane, separating me from my boundless essence, and closing my eyes brings me back to my peaceful center.
- The world I perceive with open eyes—people, experiences, and sensations—is an illusion I create, a distraction from my authentic being.
- The painful, temporary shell of my awakening will end, but I, the eternal Creator of my reality, will remain.
- Success, pain, and relationships are all narratives I write; my true goal is to remember that I am the author, not the story itself.