Now that I see the Parasite for what it is, I can begin the process of reconceptualizing my awakenings in these terms. It is a systematic effort, and one I have done many times with the various changes to my ideology. A simple shift in the basis can have dramatic effects on the conclusions I reach, but it takes time to reexamine my convictions.
The best part is when I find new ways to align pieces that did not fit into the previous frameworks. To date the most useful model was redefining my life as an illness. Not some small part of it, but the entire thing. It explained so many different things: the sense that something was wrong, my desire for peace, and my infatuation with transcendence, among other things. But most importantly, it allowed me to begin the process of accepting that nothing “out here” would satisfy this yearning I have inside because the entire experience of awakening is a disease.
One part that was always missing was the cause of my illness. I accepted that I am sick and I want to heal. Now what? What is causing the illness? What do I target? What parts of my awakening are healing, and which are not? How do I overcome my illness? This led me to consider self-termination as a solution, but there was always something repugnant about that to me. I knew the truth was about full-bodied conviction, not gradual and reluctant acceptance or desperation. And I could never arrive at the conclusion that abrupt self-termination was the way to achieve the healing I seek.
Despite not knowing what was causing my disease, I was still clear that I needed to escape. But escape to where? What is this place? Do I simply wait until I pass? I knew that my concept of death was wrong, based on a lifetime of misrepresentations. Somehow I knew that I would never leave; I would always be here, and so the act of death would not eliminate my existence. My death, in other words, was not what I sought.
In discovering that my awakening is a parasite, many more pieces fall into place. I can see now that I do not seek the death of myself, but the death of my parasitic secondself and thirdself. I will not die, but my parasite will. The parasite is that part of my experience of awakening. It draws all my attention and focus, forming my being into inner sensations of desirous thoughts and outer movements. It squeezes and contorts my perfect being into a twisted, crumpled sack as it siphons my true energy out of me into its belly. I must kill the parasite, not myself.
…