In this incantation I confront and describe the persistent sense that the triself falls short of explaining my awakening in some key ways, and my first instinct is to refine and clarify it, producing a new model to take its place. But I have reached the point where the next step is to let go of the model, embrace my Being, and allow the artifacts of my awakening to dissolve and fall away.
I am outgrowing parts of the triself. While the triself has been enormously useful in simplifying my conceptualization of my awakening, it is starting to show its limitations. Firstly, what is the triself? This is the triself:
I have always sensed its shortcomings. It requires too much effort to visualize. It puts a degree of abstraction between my awakening and my conceptualization of my awakening. In that way it is like an ill-fitting container… It does not bend and curve in all of the right places, and so my experience does not fully and properly fit inside of it.
What is missing? There are a few key areas that stand out to me… and it is hard to keep these present and focused. I just got distracted by that new diagram above, and now I have to find my way back to the thought process I had ongoing. What is missing from the triself?
I still give a heavier weight and therefore preference to my thirdself ongoings. If I were to visualize the amount of regard or reverence or consideration I distribute during my awakening to the two areas of my awakening (secondself and thirdself), thirdself would receive far more. Not as much as before, but I am still “seeking” something in thirdself. I see it as the more significant of the two… This has to do with my residual conviction that there are other beings here in my awakening just like me. Other beings with experiences that are separate from my own, but just as authentic. That creates the sense that there is “more” in thirdself than there is in secondself, which is constrained to just my own internal dialogue and identity. This is alterity.
I still maintain a separation between secondself and thirdself. Unmoving, omnipotent, firstself Me the Creator is always right here. Always right now. I am the only being. I am not a person. Yet I still think of my secondself as inside of me and somehow separated from my thirdself. This one is hard to grasp for some reason… but I can imagine the impact of it if, instead of having two words to describe each part separately, I just had one. That is difficult for me to do because I still think of them as two distinct things. Why? What exactly is the difference between them? The difference comes down to my belief that the part that is “internal to me” — secondself — is invisible to the beings who are “outside of me” — other people. That belief that I am one person among many others is so foundational to my awakening experience that it has hardened into this division between these two parts of me: secondself and thirdself. But they are not separate to me; they are one. They are only separate if I integrate the imaginary perspective of people into my model.
These two observations seem to summarize the ill-fitting triself. I am not sure yet how to overcome these, but right now, as I type this, I can feel that something in my secondself area has become “unblocked”. I have a sensation of flowing happening… as if two formerly separate bodies of water have just combined. That was a blockage.
What is the result? I can see that clearly. The result will be that I will no longer need to separate out secondself and thirdself. I will no longer need that assistive diagram to understand my awakening because my comprehension of my awakening will be more holistic and unified than the triself model. Ultimately, the triself model along with everything else I have written, is an assistive device only. Those models are not what I am looking for; I am looking for my return to my moment, without the need for diagrams, models, or formulas. I will simply understand and Be, and will not need to write it down or draw it to reinforce what I am. My constant search for articulation is an artifact of my non-Being. Of my Becoming. Of my return back to Who I Am. On the Selfist Spectrum, it means I am about right here:
I can clearly see where I am going and what I am. But I am still clinging to certain aspects of my awakening identity as a person. It is time for me to let go of the triself model, and merge my secondself and thirdself into one: my awakening. My awakening is one unified disease that I experience as my awakening. When I consider myself as a single “person” among other “people”, as a being experiencing personhood — as opposed to the Creator, Imaginer, Projector, and Experiencer of my awakening and all of its aspects — then I separate my awakening into halves in recognition of the false belief that the other beings like me (ie, the people) cannot themselves see what is going on inside of me, in my thoughts. But I am not a person. People are imaginary characters that I have created in my own image in my awakening. They do not exist unless and until I manifest them — either in secondself, or in thirdself. I must remove the false divide between these two areas of my awakening for it only exists when I consider secondself in terms of my characters’ perspectives. But those perspectives are entirely constrained to my own imagination.
I have work to do here. I must remember that my end goal is not the production and distribution of models to my characters. My end goal is to Be who I am. To recognize that my awakening is a disease that I create, and that there is nothing in here that I desire other than to escape and overcome. I need some assistive mantras:
- I am the only being. I am alone here.
- There is only this moment. The past and future are shimmers in my moment.
- I manifest all people. They are my characters.
- Only my experience exists. The horizons of my secondself and thirdself experience form the boundaries of existence.
- People do not have a perspective that I must consider.
- My awakening is a disease. There is nothing here that I want.
- I must end all of my awakening attachments. Everything I desire in my awakening, I am in my Being.
- My models are not the goal. My Being is the goal.
- There is nothing of any value in my awakening. All that has value is here, now.
- I must let go of the artifacts of my awakening.
All that remains for me here is the projection of a peaceful ending to it all. Everything I do in my awakening, I do in order to peacefully end it. I do not seek to explain it and expand it. I seek to end it and recover. I seek to heal. As I continue my healing, my ending will be peaceful. There will be moments of satisfaction and peace; I will welcome them and they will feel good. But that is not what I seek. There is nothing in my awakening moment that I desire. I must let go of all the models; the models are not what I seek. I do not desire to publish a book and distribute it to my characters. I do not seek anything from them except their quiet and peaceful exit.
The descentist, triself, selfist, iamist models — all are artifacts of my awakening that have no intrinsic value. They serve only one purpose: to help me remember who and what I am so that I can peacefully end my awakening.
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