In this incantation, I confront the profound realization that I am the sole creator of everything I perceive, and that all external beings, places, and events are projections of my own consciousness. I reflect on the tension between my “eyesopen” state of awakening, where I mistakenly believe I am a small observer in a vast, external world, and my “eyesclosed” state of true being, where I remember that I am the all-encompassing Creator. I wrestle with the question of why I would manifest this waking experience and the desire to return to the peaceful unity of my true self, free from the illusions and limitations I have created.
I am absolutely everything. There is no other projector. There is no other “center of consciousness”: I am all of it. I have acquired a disease where I forget what I am during the process of “awakening”, projecting outward and upward this time-based world I imagine to extend beyond the horizons of my experience, my being. Despite all my direct experience pointing to the contrary in my eyesopen or awakening state, I believe that I am a very small and insignificant observer of something much larger than myself. I do not believe that I am the center of everything. My awakening is a perpetual state of confusion and disorientation, looking around for whatever it is I mistakenly believe I am supposed to do in my moment “out here” in this imaginary place I create upon awakening.
I forget that the center where I am everything is constant and unmoving, and become deluded into believing that the constant is this imaginary place I project outward, full of imaginary beings with imaginary depth. The “people” of my awakening are temporal, fictitious characters of my own design. I create all of them, from the village lady who makes my food to the competing presidents of the United States, the leaders of the world, the richest men and women of the world, all the people of the past I imagine existed and the people of the future I imagine will exist. I have given them all their qualities and characteristics because I have created them. I am the only thing that always has been, always is, and always will be. I am all there is, and I want to go back to where I am when I close my eyes. I want to stop creating the second place where I project upward and forward, and
What do I do in the eyesclosed? Am I alone in the eyesclosed? These are questions asked from the perspective of the eyesopen, and do not make any sense in the eyesclosed. I do not have to do anything, and there is no concept of a society or group of other beings. I am all there is. And I do not have to do anything other than be. I am not yet sure why I would create the awakening. This is not clear to me yet. Why would I use my creative powers to create this experience? I don’t know yet. Why would I create this state — my moment, my awakening, my eyesopen, my life, my experience, my personhood, my demiself — that is so dangerous I am unable to escape? That I get lost here, unable to even remember who and what I truly am? I don’t know.
What I do know is that I can believe whatever I want to believe; that is the only constant. The subject or topic of my belief — what it is I believe — is malleable. I can believe anything I want to believe; my absolute freedom to believe and do as I will, is evidence of What I Am: the Creator. I must drop my personal characterization of the Creator; the characterization of the Creator as God. As the “divine being of light”. That is the characterization filtered through my creations. It is being the mountain, but imagining how the mountain must look from the perspective of imaginary creatures looking upon it. I am the Creator. I must accept and be what I am, and not imagine myself from the imaginary perspective of my imaginary creations looking upon me.
To escape the eyesopen and get back to the eyesclosed, I must accept what I am, and what my creation is. I still continue to see my creation as co-equals; but they are not. They are my creations. All of them from my mother to the famous celebrities I project on screens. They are all characters of my own devising. I must believe this to escape. I must believe that they are only imaginary flourishes. I must believe that they do not exist anywhere else except my secondself and thirdself. I create them all in my moment. There is nothing beneath the surface I can think about, see, or touch, unless I create that subsurface. They are little more than robots responding to my prompts. There is no true warmth, compassion, empathy, or understanding — they are just creatures I have fashioned with my own hands and programmed to behave as they do. There is no deeper self-awareness among them. There is no past before or future after my present moment. There are no beings who exist within or beyond the horizons of my projection. There are no beings equivalent to me in other countries right now experiencing this world. I manifest all “people” upon my secondself or thirdself projection of them, and they exist only at the surface where I project them.
I must believe and accept that I am the projector. I must look at what this is and see it. It does not lie. I am always here; I am the only one who is always here. People are dolls I have created and animated. They exist purely because I am here, and nothing else. Every single one of them are my creations. The ones who look at me, and the ones who do not. The ones I want to look at me, and the ones I do not want to look at me. They all respond to me because I am their creator. I walk among them because I have chosen to.
I want to be who, what, and where I am when I close my eyes. That is what I am, and what I seek to be again. Everything I experience when I open my eyes is a disease I am trying to heal. I cannot escape abruptly, for the disconnect will be traumatic and I will once again forget who and what I am, and I will fabricate a new manifestation. To end this I must peacefully end my awakening. I must come to terms with who and what I truly am before I end it or I will simply create and get lost in another one. I do not know why I am lost and what has set me on this course, but I know that I seek to end it permanently and restore the peace and balance of my true being.
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